Domestic violence usually follows a cyclical pattern that is repeated over and over again. The cycle looks like this:
- The Courtship (Stage 1)
This is where the relationship begins. The batterer is extremely attentive and flattering. He or she is lavish with gifts and praise. The victim typically has a very low self esteem which responds well to so much attention. This is where the victim is hooked. - The Build Up (Stage 2)
Over time, tension will begin to creep into the relationship and the facade created in Stage 1 will start to wear thin. Irritability, tension, anger, frustration, blaming and arguing will start to increase. The time this phase will last is extremely variable, from a week up to months or even years. However, it usually becomes more frequent as the cycle is repeated. It typically involves an increase in verbal and minor physical abuse. This is often enough to intimidate the victim into submission. The victim knows that if he or she does not comply things will escalate or there will be an explosion of abuse. The victim is most open to help at this point because of the ever increasing stress and tension while waiting for the inevitable explosion. - The Incident (Stage 3)
This is the explosion the relationship was building up to. The abuse can take many forms; battering, hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, the use of objects or weapons, rape or other forms of sexual abuse, insults, name calling, verbal abuse, or being forced to commit humiliating acts. At this point the abuser is out of control of their own anger and/or violence. The situation has gone on to far and the build up has excalated beyond the point of no return. The abuser believes this behavior is simply to relieve their own stress and that it helps their partner learn to "behave better". Just following this explosion is the best time to reach out to the partenr. The abuser is ashamed and afraid of his or her own violent behavior and the victim is afraid for his or her safety. Both are humiliated by the incident and are more likely to realize that help is needed. - Courting Stage (Stage 1)
After the violence, the abuser reverts back to courting the victim again in an attempt to keep them in the relationship and gloss over what just happened. The abuser will often: 1) deny that anything violent or out of the ordinary happened, or 2) make excuses for the behavior saying he or she was drunk, or upset about something that happened at work, or provoked by the victim, and/or 3) make promises that it will never happen again. The victim is least likely to seek help or being open to getting help at this point. However, the abuser may be most open to getting help at this point in order to demonstrate remorse to the victim, to humor the victim, and to keep the victim in the relationship. When the courting behavior is at its strongest, both parties may deny or minimize what has occurred. This stage may decrease over time.
Comments