It's important in creating a more tolerant and receptive parenting style that you not try to become your child's friend. Children need parents to be parents, not friends. This can be a very difficult balance. You want to have a close and nurturing relationship with your child, that the lines of communication be open, that you are part of their world and that they can share their experience of it with you without trepidation. But it is important to remain in the role of the parent.
Boundaries, Schmoundaries
Children need a clear delineation between the child's world and the adult world. Adult problems, issues and discussions should be kept among adults. Children should not be exposed to adult discussions, worries, problems, emotions, situations or entertainment. A 10 year old boy should not be watching the same movies Dad watches as if they were buddies. A single mother should not discuss her boyfriend issues with her young daughter as if she were her girlfriend.
It's equally important to maintain healthy emotional boundaries, and this is where things get tricky. If Dad loses his job and the parents are experiencing financial problems, it's important that they contain their stress and not process it through the children. However, you don't want to negate your child's perception that something is wrong. This is a tricky balance. Ideally, the parents will work together to process their stress and anxiety through each other, through friends and through other family members without resorting to drawing the children into it. Should the children ask if something is wrong and communicate that they are perceiving stress or worry in the household, it is important that parents validate that their perceptions are correct, there is something wrong, but at the same time maintain the parent-child boundary by explaining that Mom and Dad are working on it together and it is a problem for adults to handle. Children simply are not equipped with the cognitive and emotional maturity to handle such big problems and such complex emotions.
Modern Parenting in a Modern World
This can be especially difficult for a single parent with a limited support system. These days many of us are raising children on an island. Our families live in other states and because of work pressures our social systems have becoming increasingly smaller. A single parent may be especially tempted to turn to the child for comfort or support. This may be especially true with an older child with younger siblings. The oldest child may become the surrogate spouse. This can compromise the child's sense of security if the adult is consulting with them to make decisions. If the adult is not in charge, who is? It may also seriously compromise the child's respect for the parent. How do you look up to someone who is asking you for advice and you are only 12? Children may like to get their way about certain issues that concern them (getting to stay up late or being able to buy a new toy), but they do not want to be in charge. They feel more secure knowing a capable adult is in charge and having clear boundaries between themselves and adult issues.
Divorce Wars
Parents who are experiencing marital difficulties may find their problems spilling over into their interactions with their children. If they are divorced, they may send inappropriate messages to each other through the child. (i.e. "Did your mother have her boyfriend over when you were there?” or "Tell your father to be on time for his visits.") Parents should not make disparaging remarks about each other to the children. No matter what the other parent has done to you they are still your child's parent and children may have mixed feelings even about a parent who has molested or abused them. Save your opinions for other, adult family members or your friends. Don't put a child in the position of having to join in the disparagement of their parent or to defend them from your attacks. It's simply not fair.
Modern parents have many, many challenges in trying to raise healthy, well balanced children. Most parents want to be better parents than their parents and that is commendable. Many parents want to build more nurturing and supportive relationships with their children than they had with their own parents and I am inspired by their efforts. Though I think our society has a long way to go in protecting children's rights, I salute parents who are trying to make the childhoods of their own children kinder and gentler than the one's in which they grew up. Staying in their role as the parent and maintaining healthy boundaries with their children can help them develop closer relationships while protecting their children's right to be children.
Is it too late? My oldest is 16 and we have had too much of a friend-friend relationship. My husband travels for work and I have leaned on her a lot over the years. Also, she is very observant and snoopy. Even when I've tried to conceal things, she will come to me, having listened to a converstation through the door. She definitely knows I'm the mom. But we ARE friends too. Is she ruined? Is her life going to be crazy and unbearable? I'm sure I have BPD and she seems to also. Is she in for a miserable life? I've tried to be there for her in everything. But she still seems sad and self loathing often. I'm at a loss.
Posted by: Ella Suwata | August 25, 2009 at 06:20 AM
Hi Ella,
I can't answer that since I haven't met either of you personally, but it sounds like there might be some boundary issues and role confusion. You might want to consult a therapist in your area. It's never to late.
Posted by: Kellen | August 26, 2009 at 11:52 AM
Here is a great article from Empowering Parents on the topic. Too many parents want to be their child's best friend and in the end it doesn't work out the way the parents had hoped.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Your-Child-is-not-Your-Friend.php
Posted by: Fishman | August 31, 2009 at 12:27 PM
Wow, that is a good article. Great minds think alike!
Thank you for sharing Fishman.
Posted by: Kellen | September 04, 2009 at 07:39 AM