Living with a Sociopath

If you have never had a sociopath in your family, you have no idea how much fun you are missing out on.  The technical term for a sociopath is Antisocial Personality Disorder if you want to look the diagnosis and technical description.  But the diagnostic criteria doesn't do justice to these folks nor describe the mesmerizing effect they have on other people.  

Sociopaths are smooth and charming.  In fact, if "charming" is the first word that comes to my mind when I meet someone I am immediately on guard.  What is all that charm covering up?  Sociopaths are glib and very, very likable.  They know just what to say to reel you in.  They can read you like a book.  The mind games they play are amazing.  Intelligent, independently minded people suddenly become putty in their hands.  This makes the ordinary mine field of family dynamics even more treacherous to navigate. 

Sociopaths have their own agenda.  They do what is best for themselves without regard for the effects on others.  A mentor of mine once said that the sociopaths in our culture can be found in two places depending on their socioeconomic background.  Poor sociopaths are in jails or prisons.  The rich would be in boardrooms, as CEOs of companies.  The jail-type sociopath may rob you with a gun or hit you over the head for what they want, but the more educated and "civilized" sociopaths use entirely different methods that make them less obvious - and more treacherous. 

They don't usually make bold, head-on attacks.  They are smooth in their words, their deeds and their moves.  They slide through the background, button holing people and converting them to their way of thinking before the "victim" even knows what has happened.  Sociopaths are mesmerizing and intoxicating.  They flatter and finagle.  They bribe and manipulate.  They never declare all out war, but negotiate elaborate diplomatic maneuvers behind the scenes. 

This can make negotiating difficult family situations a nightmare.  I will be talking to a family member who is extremely intelligent and normally quite an independent thinker and suddenly realize that the sociopath in the family has "gotten" to her.  I hear his words coming through her mouth, like a puppet or a ventriloquist.  It's amazing.  A feminist may start spewing a misogynistic harangue about a female family member.  A liberal may suddenly go off on a tangent about people on welfare.  It's amazing to watch.  It's as if they have been possessed.  I keep waiting for their heads to start spinning around and green vomit to fly out.

I'm just grateful we only have one in the family.  Imagine two of them working against each other, lining up family members on their respective "sides".  It would look like a battlefield. 

Comments

[Claire]

I am so messed up by a sociopath. I have been in a violently messed up relationship with him for over twenty years. I don't know how to get out. Death would be a relief!

[Kellen]

Claire,
I'm so sorry to hear that. You might start at the local domestic violence shelter. Or call 211 if you are in the United States to find services in your area. I hope you get help and get out. Living with a sociopath can seriously damage your heart, soul and mind.

I wish you all the best.

[Katy]

I just sued a sociopath. I had overwhelming evidence, or else I wouldn't have done it. I won.

[Kellen]

I admire your courage Katy. Congratulations.

[A victim no more]

"The rich would be in boardrooms, as CEOs of companies."

I'm afraid that I found that out the hard way. I could not believe that I, a mature, intelligent person could become the victim of someone who is nothing more than a predator, who at the very least, is a criminal. On the surface, he seemed like one of the most charming, caring, and empathetic people you would ever want to meet. Beneath the facade was an misogynistic creep and enjoys doing bad things to women; the least of which is using date rape drugs. He has no doubt been getting away with it for years, and will continue....unless he slips up. He is very wealthy, and is the CEO of a small company.

[Kellen]

Hi victim,

I'm sorry you had this encounter. This guy sounds like a true sociopath, and a very dangerous one. Falling prey to a sociopath has nothing to do with intelligence, or lack thereof. The most brilliant people in the world can be conned by a sociopath. The Mexican culture has a saying, "The lion believes that all are like him" and I believe this applies to moost humans. If we are honest, decent people we expect others to be the same. There is no way an honest, decent person can prepare to defend themselves against a sociopath. We simply do not comprehend that someone can be this ruthless. So please don't beat yourself up. That just tells me what a good person you are. I hope you are safe from him and that you are able to recover from this.

Peace,
Kellen

[A victim no more]

"We simply do not comprehend that someone can be this ruthless. So please don't beat yourself up."

Thank you for your kind words! It has taken three years to get over the pain, but the scars may last a while. It has definitely affected my view of human nature, and made me very wary of people. This man committed a crime against me, but I cannot do anything about it. I know he did it, but he will get away with it because of his money and connections. Accusing him would put my safety in jeopardy. Now that he has moved his company to another state, I have no doubt that he will be doing this to other women, and that bothers me very much.
Thank you so much for listening!

[Kellen]

You're very welcome.

[assist coach]

wow people ,i have spent most of the evening looking up the way my wife has been behaving over the years ,she was doing things that made no sence at all ,lying,stealing ,faking pregnancy stealing from brothers wedding (where she got caught)and much more.i really thought it was me ,my family has been telling me this for years and always thought that they were crazy so i moved my family to start fresh and have a young boy.had not seen any real signs of how she was untill resently ,when she stoled from my boys football team fundraising ,and got a call from head coach ,witch i assist ,same day got a call from a friend that thought she was stealing from her work (let me tell ya all the stories i got about both)well i kicked her out of the house and have my boy at least 5 times a week ,has any one exsperienced this ?what did you do ?would love to keep my family together but she wont see a counseler for feer of the last time she went ?

[Kellen]

Assist coach,

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences with your wife. Keeping a family "together" takes both partners working at it. I see so many people trying to carry the entire marriage by themselves while the other partner does nothing to contribute. If only one partner is willing to do the work to keep the family together they will have a very hard time doing so and they may be compromised by the other partner. I have to wonder how your wife's behavior is affecting your son? I would strongly recommend that you seek family counseling, at least for you and your son, in your area.

I wish you the very best of luck.