Stuck in a Rut

Some wise person once said that a rut is a grave not yet filled in.  I'm stuck in a rut, and I choose to stay there.  How does someone with psychological training get in a rut?  We're just like everyone else and we fumble and stumble our way through life like everyone else.  If we are healthy, though, we are doing our own work.  How does a therapist handle being in a rut?  Well, let's see...

To get out of a rut it's important to figure out how I got in a rut, what type of rut it is, how deep it is and what will be required to get out of it.  The particular rut I am in is geographical.  I moved to Austin, Texas in 1991 and fell in love with it.  However, like many people who stay in Austin for any period of time I've developed a serious allergy problem that is threatening my health. 

How did I get in this rut?

I love where I am, but it is threatening my health to the point that I can no longer it, yet I grieve the idea of losing it.  So I waffle back and forth.  I should go.  I don't want to.  As I waffle, my health continues to deteriorate and I enjoy Austin less and less.  I see this in a lot of ruts.  Over time, the detriments outweigh the benefits.  In relationships:  I love him, but he isn't faithful to me.  In work:  I'm no longer happy in this job, but it's scary to think about applying for a new one.  In marriages:  This relationship no longer makes me happy, but it's become comfortable.  What usually has to happen is that one's losses or discomfort become so great that they eventually outweigh one's fear of change. 

What is keeping me here?

The next factor is obligations.  I have a family situation which, hmmm....    (I was going to write that I have a family situation which keeps me here.  But that is a very disempowering way of thinking about it.  That makes me a victim of circumstances, which I am not.  If something outside of myself is actually keeping me here, there is nothing I can do about it.  That is not the case.  I am not being kept here against my will.  So let me rephrase this.)

I have a certain family situation which I choose to stay and see resolved.  (Now I'm not a victim of circumstances.  I am the captain of my own ship.  Now I am owning that I am here because of my own choices.  I could walk away right now.  That is the fact.  But I'm choosing not to leave.  I'm responsible.  And if I'm responsible for choosing to stay I can also choose to leave.)  I'm choosing to stay and finish this familial duty before I go.  I am making the choice.  And I take responsibility for the consequences of that choice.

Excuses

As a therapist I'm probably more aware than others of pitfalls into which people tend to fall.  I like to examine my "reasons" for not doing something and make sure they are not "excuses".  So I do some careful self examination and come to the conclusion that I really do want to stay and fulfill my family obligation at the temporary expense of staying in my rut.  I know it's not an excuse because it's not what I want to do, it's what I need to do.

I also like to look at things I think I want (i.e. moving in this case) to see if they are distractions from dealing with a real problem somewhere else.  I like to think moving would get me out of the rut, but I'm wary of what I call "geography therapy", moving every time you have a problem.  Unfortunately, when you move you take the problem with you since the problem is you.  I don't want to make this mistake.  I don't think this move is geography therapy.  Why?  Because I don't want to go.  Leaving Austin is going to be very sad.  I need to go because it's getting harder and harder to breathe here.  I also don't think that everything will be better some place else, a major clue that you are trying to change other issues in your life by changing geography.  Moving will not solve all my problems, only one, breathing.  I will lose a lot of things by moving and I will have to overcome a lot of obstacles in moving.  I believe I'm taking all of these into account and have a realistic view of what will be improved by a move and what will not. 

Suffering with Purpose

If you choose to stay in an unhealthy situation for some reason, it helps to know why you are suffering this adversity.   Americans, myself included, seem to think we should be happy all the time and that our goal in life should be to avoid all suffering.  I don't think this is true.  I think suffering for a cause can be quite enlightening.  It builds strength, and character.  It makes the struggle worthwhile, even if it is a little struggle. 

Viktor Frankl (Man's Search for Meaning ) was a psychologist imprisoned in Auschwitz during WWII.  He used his stay in the camps to study how different people handled the situation and what allowed some to endure whether others gave up.  His belief was that those who could find a purpose in their suffering had a better chance of surviving.  Those who found meaning and reason during their torment endured it better.  I've found this to be true for the most part.  I have worked with many clients suffering through terrible ordeals and those who could find a meaning in their hardship had a much easier time dealing with it. 

So I'm using this knowledge to make my remaining time in Austin fruitful.  In this way I do not feel so trapped or so helpless.  Feeling trapped and helpless leads to hopelessness and depression.  So I am going to use my time here to pay off debt and make improvements to my home so that when I am able to leave I can sell it for a higher price and put more money in my pocket.  This infuses the wait with some purpose. 

The Importance of Hope

Irving Yalom (Existential Psychotherapy ) said the most important thing that therapy provides for the client is hope.  Hope that things can be different.  I believe this to be true.  But I also think we need movement toward something in addition to hope.  I think we need to see progress.  So I am utilizing this knowledge as I keep my focus not on how badly I feel in the present, but on making plans for the future.  I do research on the places I would like to move to, pick out a city and research neighborhoods.  I sell things I don't want to move and I'm generally making plans for my exit.  This keeps hope alive and keeps my focus in the future.  Though I'm making small steps toward moving I am making steps and this prevents me from feeling so stuck. 

In the meantime I keep writing and learning and, hopefully, growing.

Comments

[Jake]

I enjoyed reading this post. From what you say I don't think your decision is based on "geography therapy", being able to breathe is pretty important :)

[Kellen]

Ahh, thank you Jake. Even therapists have to check themselves. I appreciate the feedback.