The Man of the House

Once again I watched as an 8 year boy (with a 10 year old sister and a 6 year old brother) was told he was now "the man of the house" and "you have to look out for your mom, brother and sister now".  His father and mother have divorced and this advice was coming for a seemingly well-intentioned adult, but it made my hair curl.  Why?

Children Take Responsibility Seriously

Children assume a tremendous amount of responsibility for things which are not their fault.  I've written before about little girls who were molested as young as 5 and completely believed they had seduced the molester into doing it to them.  Dr. John Breeding wrote in his book, The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses, "children are inherently responsible.  Young people naturally view themselves as the center of the universe and assume that whatever happens is because of them".  He is absolutely right.  50 year old women have sat in my office fully believing that the molestation that occurred to them at the age of 5 was completely their fault.

So what happens when we make an 8 year old boy "the man of the house"?  He takes this designation very seriously.  Children tend to blame themselves for their parents' divorce anyway.  They often feel that they did something wrong to cause it, even though they had nothing to do with and no power over it.  This is without being told they are responsible and often in spite of being told they are not responsible. 

A little boy who is made responsible for the "house", his mother and his siblings will take no less responsibility or blame, though he has absolutely no power over any of them.  This can lead to serious problems.  A newly divided house is often chaotic.  What was once done by two parents now has to be done by one.  Mom is now a single parent.  She may be stressed and depressed about the divorce and raising two children alone.  The 8 year old now feels responsible for this.  He's been told to "take care of his mother".  If the house experiences added financial difficulty because the father has left, the mother's income is substantially less, or the father fails to pay child support, the 8 year is going to blame himself for this.  He's the "man of the house" now.

It Compromises the Relationship Between the Boy and his Mother

Putting an 8 year old child in this position seriously compromises his relationship with both his mother and his siblings.  If the 8 year old is the "man of the house" how does the mother discipline or parent him?  How is their relationship as parent and child forever changed?  What kind of power struggle will ensue between them as a result of this role change?

And imagine what are we communicating to young boys about women when we tell them to look after their adult mother.  She is an adult who should be looking out after him, yet he is told to look after her.  How can an adult woman be so incompetent that an 8 year old has to be entrusted to "look after" her?  This is absolutely backwards the boy is intelligent enough to know this.  If mom goes along wtih this, what kind of resentment will this cause him to feel toward her for failing to be a mother to him and making him responsible for her?

It Compromises the Relationship Between the Boy and his Brother

What are well meaning adults telling little boys when we put an 8 year old in charge of taking care of a 6 year old?  And what does this say to the 6 year about himself and his competency when someone only 2 years older than himself is "in charge" of him?  It communicates to him that he is in some way inferior. 

If the younger brother starts to have trouble in school and disobeys mom at home because he is acting out the stress of losing his father, is the 8 year responsible for this?  If the 8 year old is put in the position of disciplinarian and father figure for the 6 year old, what happens to the comradery they share as brothers?  There is a natural alliance between siblings against parents that happens in families.  The assignment of the 8 year old boy to the role of "man of the house" totally changes this dynamic.

I've also seen cases where the 8 year old is made responsible for the 6 year old's behavior.  Mom leaves them chores to do and the 6 year old refuses to "obey" the 8 year old.  The 8 year gets in trouble if the 6 year old's chores are not done.  This causes a great deal of animosity between them and a power struggle ensues which will likely last into adulthood, and perhaps for the rest of their lives.  The younger brother may have gained a "father", but lost a brother.  And what kind of "father" can an 8 year old be?  The 8 year old may also resent the 6 year for continuing to be nurtured as a child by the mother while the 8 year old is held to a different standard.  The animosity which results may destroy their relationship forever.

It Compromises the Relationship Between the Boy and his Sister

Imagine being an older sister to this boy who has been put in charge.  If the sister is 10, she is now taking orders from an 8 year old.  This is preposterous.  (Well the entire situation is preposterous, which is the point.)  She is going to rebel against this, like the 6 year old.  If the 8 year old is also held responsible for her behavior, animosity and power struggles are sure to result.  Once again, this compromises the natural alliances between siblings.  And once again, this conflict will probably persist throughout adulthood.

In addition, what message are we sending to young men and women when an 8 year is placed in charge of a 10 year old just because he is a boy and she is a girl?

It Compromises the Mental Health and Well Being of the 8 year old

An 8 year child, male or female, is emotionally, mentally and physically incapable of handling adult responsibilities.  And to be told to do so is totally unfair.  It holds them responsible for things totally out of their control.  It places a unfair burden on them to be something for which they are totally unequipped.  It gives them power in the family they should not have and prevents them from being the child they were meant to be.  It cheats them out of their childhoods and creates tension and frustration among the family members. 

It's important to stop this pattern which has been handed down through the generations.  Children must be allowed to be children and parents must be the adults in the household. 

Comments

[drdeborahserani.blogspot.com]

I can totally relate to how you feel. Witnessing these things is never easy. Children do need to be children. Life comes at us too fast as it is.

Great post.

[Suzzanne]

hmmmm I wonder what other people's definitions of 'man of the house' are. Another view may have nothing to do with adult male responsibility and all to do with staking a claim and prowess over the females and younger children of the family unit. 'Man of the house' may mean he is now the chosen one, the spoiled one, the one who the family revolves around. The one whose needs and wants take precedence over those of lower status members. In a system in which families function to serve a single top male the "man of the house '' role can indeed be filled by an 8 year old boy.

[Kellen]

An excellent point Suzanne. "Man of the House" can indeed infer a position of privilege, even for a child, and I see this happening as well. Thanks for the feedback.

[Rick Belden]

Tragic. A perfect example of how to make a "little iron man" out of a little boy.