How to Leave an Abuser

You've finally come to your senses and realized he or she is not going to change and it's time to leave.  What now? 

The most important thing to do is to prepare, prepare, prepare - if possible.  There are times when the only thing you can do is run, and run for your life.  If that is the spot you find yourself in, don't beat yourself up.  Your abuser has already done that.  If you are fortunate enough to be able to prepare your escape think it through carefully.   Carefully planning your exit can save you a lot of heartache and headaches down the road.  These are not necessarily in order.  Do them as the opportunity arises and safety allows.

1. Decide where you can go
Decide whether you are still free enough to walk away or not.  Decide where you need to go; to a friend's, a family member's, a shelter or a hotel?  What do you need to arrange before leaving?  If the shelter has a waiting list, how long will you have to wait?  Can you wait that long?   If there is no domestic violence shelter in your area, if the waiting list is too long or if you are male and the domestic violence shelter only allows women consider going to a homeless shelter.  I work at a homeless shelter and we receive many families due to domestic violence.  I cannot speak for all shelters, but we have a security force at ours and are very responsive to domestic violence situations.  Notify shelter staff immediately upon your arrival of your situation.  If you can provide a clear photo of the abuser and the abuser's name, it will help them keep you and your children safe.  Do not think for one minute that you are the first abused spouse to come to the shelter.  If you are male, do not think you are the first, or the last, abused male to enter the shelter.  If the shelter staff act like they have never heard of this before it is their ignorance, not your shame.  We see this all the time, especially since crack cocaine and methamphetamine entered the scene.  An educated shelter staff will support you in protecting yourself and/or children from abuse.  They should not shame you - whether you are male or female. 

2. Put some supports in place.
If you have been with your abuser for any length of time he or she has probably worked to sever other relationships you have (or had) with family and friends.  Reestablish those relationships.  Tell them what has been going on.  Don't be ashamed.  The shame is on the abuser, not you.

3. Secure your personal information
That includes bank accounts, credit cards, a security word to pick up your children from the daycare or school, internet passwords to your email, Facebook, MySpace or utility accounts, etc.  Change all website passwords.  Gather together all of your identity paperwork and secure it:  birth certificates for you and your children, Social Security cards, state driver's license or identification, car registration and insurance, and passports.  Transfer any property over to your name that you need to (like your car registration) if it will not put you in further danger or further agitate your abuser.  Gather any other documents you want to protect from harm;  photo albums, letters, journals, school records, university degrees, resume.  Place important documents in a safety deposit box and make sure only you can access to it.  Make a list of all telephone numbers and addresses you need to take with you;  family members, friends, your doctors, the children's doctors, dentists, accountant, attorney, etc.  Take an updated copy of your resume and a complete work history.  Set up a separate checking or savings account with only your name on it.  Be sure to notify the bank of the situation and put a password on your account.  Contact Social Security and notify them of the situation for you and your children and put a password on your and/or your children's Social Security information.  If you have custody papers for your children, divorce agreements from previous marriages or other court documents of importance be sure to secure those. 

4. Communicate
Let relevant people know what is going on.  Choose carefully who you trust.  If you need to use a password at your child's school or daycare or notify them of a protective order be sure to do so.  Communicate with your employer about what information can and cannot be provided to callers or people who come by asking about you.  Communicate with family and friends you trust about the situation and what steps to take if they are approached.  Be clear with everyone about what information they can and cannot release so there is no confusion.

5. Pack an emergency bag
If you will have to make a run for it, know where you will go and how you will get there.  Pack an emergency bag and keep it where the abuser cannot find it.  This way you just have to grab it and go when the opportunity presents itself. 

6. Change your contact information
If possible, without arousing suspicion, change your cell phone number, mailing address, email address, etc.  Make it possible for people in your support group to contact you at the new numbers or addresses.  Update your contact information with your job, your children's schools, your pediatrician's office, etc.  Be sure to also notify them of the pending separation and that your new information is confidential and not to be released to anyone you don't specify.  Think carefully about where you may have listed our abuser as next of kin or as a contact person and update that information as well.

7. Document the abuse
If you plan to file charges about the abuse start keeping records.  See a medical doctor and have photos of the abuse made.  Tell friends and family and keep a journal of dates, injuries, witnesses and where medical records are located.   

8.  File charges
If you decide to file charges and/or an order of protection contact your attorney or your local district attorney and find out what the procedure is.  Some states also provide relocation and/or financial assistance for victims of domestic violence. 

9.  Change your routine
If you are concerned about your abuser tracking you down, change your daily routine.  Take a different route to work.  Change your children's school.  Change jobs.  Change cities or states if you have to. 

10.  Report the situation to Child Protective Services
You have a legal duty to protect your children from violence and/or from observing violence.  If you are making moves to do so, be sure to report the violence to CPS so you are on record as protecting your children.  They may also be able to provide you with relocation services or other assistance, depending upon the state in which you live. 

11.  If you have a lease
I can only speak for the state of Texas, but there are special provisions for lease holders who have to vacate a premise due to domestic violence.  Their lease is automatically nullified without penalty if they follow certain procedures.  If your name is on the lease, have it taken off.  If your name is the only name on the lease, find out what options you have from your landlord (if you can trust him or her) or your attorney or the district attorney.  Don't just walk away and have an eviction on your record if you can help it.  It will make leasing the next property that much harder.

These are just a few suggestions of things to think about before leaving an abuser.  Safety must always come first and sometimes you must leave when you can.  However, if you have the opportunity to prepare a little it can make the transition a lot easier.

Comments

[Ethereal Highway]

This is all very good advice, Kellen. I was married to an abusive man for six years and when things started getting dangerous, the first thing I did was get a separate (and secret) bank account. I kept the passbook locked in my desk drawer at the office. Then I went out there and sold every single piece of real estate I could get my hands on. I worked every lead and I had deals stacked up on top of each other and worked night and day to close them all. Sometimes I started at 6 AM and didn't get home until after 10:00 at night. (This was okay with him because he wanted the money.) Then, when I got all the commission checks - I took my little boy and I left. Just like that. I was afraid to leave, but I had to. He was starting to get physical again and I just couldn't stand the situation anymore and was fresh out of illusions that it would get any better. I was safe in leaving abruptly like that because friends and co-workers had witnessed his anger and threatening demeanor toward me, and also because the child was only mine and I never did let him adopt, so he could not bring a legal action. Also, I made sure he knew that I had witnesses and would call the police if he harrassed me.

(And Kellen - I can't thank you enough for the lovely comment you left on my blog. It really means a lot to me coming from you and it felt really good to read it.)

[Kellen]

Wow, that must have taken a lot of courage. Simply making a change is tough for most people. Breaking completely out of a very emotionally dangerous relationship is especially tricky. But it sounds like you really used your head (and your hard work) and made it happen. You bring up twovery, very important points. You didnt allow him to adopt your child, which left you free to walk away. I see so many people get together as a couple and have the children calling the new boyfriend Daddy and working toward an adoption with someone they have known for only a year. Children can really complicate an already difficult situation and should be taken into careful consideration when making decisions. It was smart to wait on that.

You also point out how important it is to have family and friends around you for support and as witnesses. That is one of the first things many abusers try to do, cut you off from family and friends. Im glad you kept yours around you.

I so happy to hear you are free.Thank you for the first person feedback. (And youre very welcome for the post.)

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice! I have been with my guy for 9 years and never knew he was emotionally abusing me until a dear friend pointed it out a few weeks ago. I am secretly planning to leave and am very scared. I have 3 children that will go with me and I just dont feel like I have the courage to do so. For some many years, I feel worthless. I have been isolated from the outside world that I only go out once a week. I sometimes feel if its the right decision to leave. I am truly afraid. Is it normal to think that its okay to stay and suffer at least until the children grow up? I dont want to piss him off. Thank for the tips. I will keep in mind.

[Kellen]

Hi Anon,

Finding the courage to change a pattern of 9 years is extremely hard for most people. Being in a relationship which has beaten you down emotionally and mentally makes it even harder. Emotional abuse causes you to doubt your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. You don't trust your own judgement any longer.

The isolation you mention is also one of the first steps in abusing someone. An abuser often moves to remove a victim's supports by cutting them off from family and friends who would point out what is happening (like your friend did) and help them leave or stand up to it. Putting your supports back into place will help counteract that isolation.

You ask if is normal to think it's OK to stay and suffer until the children grow up. I see a lot of people justify staying for that reason. But what are you teaching your children? By staying and allowing yourself to be abused you are teaching your children that it is OK to treat a woman this way. Odds are, your daughters will grow up to be abused and your sons will grow up to be abusers. It may be reversed, but this is the pattern they will inherit from you and your abuser.

Does that sound like it is best for the children?

One of the main problems of being emotionally abused is that you learn not to trust your own thoughts, feelings or beliefs. You become totally attuned to what the abuser wants and what makes the abuser happy (or prevents him or her from getting angry). Stop. Listen to your gut. What is it telling you? Your instincts (what I call your gut) don't lie to you. You can trust them. You just have to learn to listen to them and believe in them again.

It might also help to think of situations you have overcome before. What have you had the courage to do in the past? You might find that you have had the courage to endure must worse situations in the past, you just lost your faith in yourself (because of the emotional abuse). I believe you have the courage. You just have to remember what you are capable of accomplishing.