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« Spanking Children can Lower their IQs | Main | Satir's Mandala: The Components of Happiness »

November 10, 2009


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Lee Hefner

Unconscious self talk sabotages marriages when it directs spouses into acting out self-defeating behaviors. Negative self talk therefore robs partners of the joy and happiness that could be a part of marriage.

In our marriage coaching practice with troubled couples, my wife and I stress a simple principle that requires a awareness of self talk: Stop doing what drives your spouse away and do more of what attracts him/her.


Oh my goodness, this is so true Lee. And thank you for pointing it out. What affects us as individuals also affects our relationships; whether we are excessively insecure, jealous, negative, critical or whatever. Negative self talk can destroy not only your own self esteem, but impair an otherwise healthy relationship.

Thank you for your feedback.

Erin Merryn

You had a lot of great things to say in this post. I like the way you make people think about unhealthy and healthy decisions.

Erin Merryn

Great have a lot of great things to say on this should consider writing a book.


Thank you for writing this! I got quite tearful reading it because it's so weird to see my own behaviour described to me on the page. Of course, I've heard all about changing the negative messages to positive ones before - but I've never read anything that so accurately reflected the virulence of how I talk to myself and insult myself pretty much every waking minute of the day (out loud some of the time).

I'm confused about where it comes from though, because while my parents were quite fearful in their outlook, and a bit disapproving if I was not fearful too, they certainly weren't abusive or relentlessly negative. I should think it was 10% negative messages and 90% positive, if that.


Wow, thank you Erin. You're the second person to suggest that. I just might consider it!


Hi Anon,

*Shrugs* Well, sometimes the source doesn't matter as much as changing the course. Sometimes we take 10% negative messages, add a healthy dose of fear or low self esteem and build them up into 90% ourselves. But in the end the only thing that really matters is changing it. And seeing the problem is the first, and most important, step to fixing it. It sounds like you are well on your way.

Thank you for the feedback and good luck on your journey.


what about when you can communicate yourself with others? thru your mind??? is it just completly insane? because im going crazy over here...
it would really help me any answer

Sara Stryjewski

What if you're around someone who is constantly disparaging themselves and creating situations out of thin air that wouldn't otherwise even be feasible (ie. You're gonna cheat on me, you're gonna leave me for a Mexican midget)? What's a good way to dissuade them, and hopefully let them know that they're making all the negativity in their own heads?

Tanyi Junior

am just so grateful that there are people out there who have others in mind so much that one takes time to write such inspirational words and advice for the good of others...not only havee i learned to treat myself so well,i have also learned to be serious with whatever it is am doing in life so as to contribute in making the world a better place for us all.thanks writers,authors and people are wonderful.

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