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« If You are a Sexual Abuse Survivor... | Main | Vicks Inhalers and Olfactory Flashbacks »

December 18, 2009

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rox

I heard an interesting argument that is the opposite of this that made me think. It was something to the degree that overpowering, manipulation, and to some degree humiliation are often part of our sex culture. And possibly even part of our biology. Considering that most mammalian sex involves force on the part of the male to either psychologically convince the female to submit, or to overcome her by force...

I LIKE that as a species most of us have moved into something that is much more beautiful and that involves love. But I do think there is an element of power on the part of the male that is intrinsic in sex. The woman is simply more vulnerable. She is vulnerable to physical and psychological pain from the experience, and she is vulnerable to being emotional hurt after wards, and she is vulnerable to being left pregnant.

And I think that the power element is appealing to males, even that are wanting to give genuine love. I don't know.

It's a perplexing topic for me, and I feel awkward researching human sexuality so I probably haven't explored as many facts as I would like to appear in front of me without having to read about yucky things like the "r word"

I don't like to read such things, and since I don't plan to date for many many years, I suppose it's not important to figure it all out at this particular moment.

I have a lot of experiences that I believe challenges the set idea that love, sex, and abuse are all boxed simple black and white issues. But abuse is always wrong. That much I know.

The question is, isn't "control" getting a woman to submit to having sexual intercourse, a part of sex in and of itself?

These are reasons I am thankful I have been celibate for oh so long and plan to continue in said manner for many many years. At my youthful 27 I'm pretty ready to be an old maid... : )

I

Hi Rox,

I feel great sadness reading your post. I see so much pain here. Power is always an integral part of any relationship and I have great hope that men and women are becoming more equal in their relationships as more women stand up for their rights and for themselves. But our old societal patterns are deeply ingrained.

Women are especially vulnerable to becoming pregnant and then abandoned. This is a biological situation that we must be aware of and take responsibility for. But men and women are both capable of being abused, manipulated, abandoned and hurt. Men who are sexually assaulted by other men or who were molested as children experience just as much hurt and destruction as women do. I have worked with men who were molested and men who have been raped as adults and the devastation is just as complete. Sexual abuse takes no prisoners. It destroys every life it touches and the path of healing is long and treacherous.

It is also important to realize that women can molest children too. They can overpower and abuse just like men, and the pain and hurt and devastation is no less than if they were men. In some ways it may be worse. If an adult woman molests a male child, some people will actually brush this off and perceive it as a chance for the young male to score. An adult having sex with a child is just abuse. Period.

This is not to minimize the mistreatment of women in our culture. Women are currently in a one down position in relationships and with society. But we dont have to put up with it, tolerate it or perpetuate it with our daughters.

I dont know what your situation is Rox, but I always encourage women with abuse issues to read the book, The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. The entire book is written by women for women and the women who share their stories allow other women to know they are not alone. There is also a chapter inthe bookwhich talks about what husbands of women who have been sexually abused or molested are willing to do in order to help their wives heal. Men are capable of expressing great compassion, gentlenessand caring for a woman they love. They are willing to forego their own sexual needs in order to help a woman heal. If youve been hurt by an abusive man, it may be almost impossible to see this. Women I have worked with who grew up being molested by an adult male see a world full of molesters and cannot conceive that all men are not like their molester. All men are not like
that,but it may take a great deal of time, healing and trust to be able to see that.

I wish you all the best in your journey Rox. I can only hope that some of the information on this site may be helpful to you.

Peace,

Kellen

Harvest Moon

I used to be able to find good info from your content.

I

And I hope you continue to. I've recently started a charity which works with abused children and it takes a great deal of time, but I plan to continue posting here. I hope you continue to find my articles useful. Thank you for your feedback.

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