"Do You Know What I Mean?"

I'm reading "Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse" by Mike Lew and he discusses his interactions with victims of sexual child abuse and their tendency to ask the question above. 

I've had this same experience with people who have lived through traumatic or seriously dysfunctional childhoods.  They express a lot of uncertainty in their ability to communicate what they mean and their ability to be understood by others.  They also tend to be very uncertain about their own beliefs, opinions and judgements.  I'm constantly asked, "Do you understand?",  "Am I making sense?",  "Is that crazy?".  When I listen carefully I hear these phrases peppered throughout their speech and when they relate interactions they have had with other people they reveal that they use these questions with everyone in their life.

Lew posits that this is the result of abuse as a child, and he makes a good point.  Children who grow up in abusive homes are sworn to secrecy.  They grow up knowing their families are different from other families.  This is especially true if they are sexually abused.  They almost have to lead a double life, the facade they put on when they leave the house versus the reality when they return home. 

But I think it can also be related to denial in the family system.  I know for myself and with clients with whom I have worked, if you grew up in any family when tells you, "that didn't happen".  You soon question your ability to discern what is true.  You learn not to trust your five senses.  You could have sworn you heard your parents arguing, but they tell you it didn't happen.  You could have sworn you saw Mom crying, but she denies that anything is wrong.  You could have sworn you saw that Dad was not sick, but was too drunk to go to work yesterday.  But you are told this is wrong. 

So you grow up constantly seeking second opinions and taking polls.  You grow up knowing you live in a different kind of family than your friends.  You grow up knowing that there are secrets you hold which cannot be told.  And you learn to live two lives.  You don't actually live a normal life, you fake it.  So you are always wary of getting it wrong, making a misstep.  This uncertainty shows itself in how you present your ideas, opinions or information in general,  "Do you know what I mean?"

For male survivors of sexual child abuse I heartily recommend Mike Lew's book, "Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse ." 

 

Comments

[jss]

You know this concept of ‘denial’ in alcoholic homes is interesting to me. Let me just state that I very much see myself in this post. I do this, ask for confirmation of my thoughts in the way you mention however your paragraph about Dad being too drunk to go to work (he’s sick) strikes no emotional bells with me. My Dad was a raging drunk, non-functioning would be the term but nobody in my house was denying it per se. We were not blind, we could see that he was a drunk, we knew simply because there was no hiding it. However there was no blatant denial, it was unnecessary and any fool could see it. I think the deeper problem was the fact that it was unspoken. We knew it but nobody was acknowledging it and this cue I do believe was taken from my mother and the other adults around us (e.g. my grandparents). It isn’t necessarily, or always about denial but rather the latent message that it is unspeakable. It’s there, we all know but don’t anybody talk about it. It is something to be hidden, something that is shameful – as if this was our shame to bear.

And maybe this tendency to seek confirmation of our thoughts and opinions has more to do with daring to speak the truth, tentatively daring to do so, afraid that it might not be ok.

I don’t know, I’m sort of grasping at straws here but I suspect this tendency has more to do with the message of shame we received rather than any blatant denial. Of course everybody is different and for some you might be spot on.

[Kellen]

Hi Jss,

If this shoe doesnt fit, dont wear it! Trust your instincts and what you know to be true.

I love what you have to say about the incidiousness of the denial, the unspokeness of it, even the sanction against speaking about the behavior is unspoken.It sounds as if telling you not to mention it would require that they (the adults) actually acknowledge it. And it was too unspeakable even to benoticed. This is where the insanity comes from. You could swear you see a raging drunk, butthe adults act like they dont see it.

I remembermore than a decade ago when I sat in one of my first groups for hardcore heroin addicts. A member entered, sat down in his chair and proceeded to roll forward in a nod from heroin. He would eventually catch himself, with a jerk, and sit back up. But each time he rolled forward hishead got lower to the ground.He eventually rolled so far forward hishead was almost between his ankles and I had no idea how he remained seated instead of somersaulting into the middleof the floor. I watched the group leader and waited for an acknowledgement of the behavior. But it never came! Noone in the room acknowledged it was happening, including thegroup leader who was in recovery herself. This pattern of just not seeingaddictive behavior was that entrenched. I was amazed!

You also mention the shame of it. That is absolutely right. Shame is the foundation of the silence.And I imagine it was heavily implied (without actually saying it) that daring to speak the shame would bring catastrophic consequences (though we never knew what). I think that the unknown is sometimes more fear-inducing than the known.

You do not seem to be grasping at straws to me. You seem to have a very clear idea of what you experienced and are able to describe it eloquently. Thank you for the valuable feedback.

Peace,

Kellen