Escaping the Scapegoat Role: Blaming and Perfectionism

Another possible dynamic of a family system with a scapegoat role is that of perfection and blaming.

My mother used to say that if the our family was involved in a massive automobile accident no one would be able to call an ambulance, stop anyone from bleeding to death, pull anyone from a burning vehicle or move people out of the road until we had figured out whose fault it was.

This is a pattern you often see in families heavily invested in maintaining a Scapegoat.  It's crucial to identify who is at fault in order to deflect blame from landing on you.  Scapegoats and families which produce Scapegoats can be very hypercritical.  They can also produce perfectionists. 

Perfectionism can be a natural outcome of a blaming, hypercritical family system. If mistakes were not tolerated in your family it will be important to do everything in your power to avoid them.  This may affect everyone in the family, not just the Scapegoat.  It would seem natural that the Hero of the family would be a perfectionist, doing everything in their power to be "The Good One" and avoid being cast in the role of the "Problem Child".  What is surprising is that the Scapegoat can also be a perfectionist, casting their own uncompromising, hypercritical glance toward their own behavior and using mistakes to castigate themselves.  The family Scapegoat may use perfectionism to punish themselves, internalizing the punishing behavior of the family system.

Comments

[amourin]

*nod* I am an adult and am still very much the scapegoat - in fact, now more than ever. Was never a problem child, though I've made many life decisions the rest of the family clearly disapprove of.

Big perfectionist, to the point of OCD now, and am very, very hard on myself. Always have been. Excelled in school, gave 150% to every endeavor. Family was hard on me, too, but in a much different, less tangible, way.

And nobody who knows my family would believe me - they are model citizens, and I must be crazy or lying.

Thank you for addressing the topic. It's particularly painful around the holidays.

[Kellen]

Wow, thank you for bringing up a very important point amourin. Family dynamics are so much more powerful (and potent) during the holidays. I wish you all the best.

[me.yahoo.com/a/aCMmLr8bxPYIOOuca.LVyCyUyUIm7sCVJ2EN.Q--]

I have just discovered this page and am reading up on all your scapegoating articles. Your last paragraph here really speaks to me. I am 30 and have only discovered "scapegoating" within the last year. I come from a very dysfunctional family and was always the scapegoat. Some of your other articles label the scapegoat as someone who did bad things (such as sexual promiscuity) and received their scapegoating role as part of that behavior. That has never described me. As a child I was always a good kid. Made good grades, always super responsible (started working at 12 yrs old), never experimented with drugs, smoking, or alcohol (still haven't), have never been sexually promiscuous (only been with the 3 men I was in a 'relationship' with - I use that term loosely now as I have come to realize the dysfunction of said relationships). Despite being a good kid, I was labeled "the bad kid" in my family and anything that didn't fit into that designation was quickly swept under the rug and unmentioned. My parents would often make up things to punish me for, when all their efforts to find legitimate reasons to punish me failed. And I was punished to very extreme extents, having everything removed from my room, down to the musical posters on my walls, taking away any form of transportation from me, physical and verbal abuse was quite normal. But what always stood out most for me was that my younger/only sister never endured any of this. She was never abused, was allowed privacy in her room, my parents spent lavish amounts of money on her for things that I was always denied, and the things she could get away with were always far worse than I could ever imagine doing and knew that if I had done I'd be punished severely for. Yet she was never once punished, in her entire childhood, in any way whatsoever, not even simply grounded. Nothing. I remember always wondering, as a child, why I wasn't good enough, why I wasn't lovable, and why my parents didn't like me but cared for her. That feeling was far worse than the physical abuse I endured.

I have been working on abuse recovery for over 2 yrs now. I have had to limit contact with my family quite a bit but they still try to suck me back into this role every chance they get. I have been such a perfectionist in life due to never being good enough and always trying to gain their acceptance. I have always pushed myself to extremes. And in the end I became more successful than anyone in my family. I now have a great federal govt career, after putting myself through college (something I was told I'd never achieve), drive a late model Cadillac, own a historic house, etc. Yet it is still not good enough for my family. Whatever my latest/biggest achievement is, that's what they will attack, criticize, downplay, etc. It is my entire family, immediate and extended that take part in this. I am trying to drastically change my life by limited contact with them and the types of people that I used to allow into my life as friends and boyfriends and make the changes within me to start attracting the opposite kind of people into my life. It is a very long, hard, and drawn out process. But I thank you for these articles to help me with this journey.

[candis]

Kellen,

Your story is very touching. You and I are two different people, yet you've depicted the story of my life. I had to endure the abuse from my entire family, due to their jealousy, envy etc. It took awhile, but I went no contact with them. That was the best decision that I've every made. Maybe you can consider that option. Do not be afraid of being alone, the reason you endured is, that God has a plan for your life. When you finally cut the cord from those sucking your energy, you will find that God/the universe will replace them with the type of people you like.
Stay strong...it seems as though you are on the right path.