How Therapy Works

I write a lot about the importance of feeling your feelings and being in touch with the messages thay are sending you.  Perhaps this is because I rely so heavily on them in my everyday work.  I cannot imagine being without them. 

When I work with a client one of the most important things I do is check how I feel when I am with them.  My emotions are the radar I listen to to tell me how this person "feels" to other people.  My basic theory is whatever feelings they bring up in me, they probably bring up in other people.  Their interactions with me are probably indicative of how they interact with other poeple.  And this gives me vital information about what is going on in or going wrong with their other relationships.

If they are cold and distant with me and I get the feeling that I never really know this person and never really get close to them, that is probably how they feel to other people.  It may explain why their relationships keep failing with the other person complaining that the client is "never there", "doesn't care about them" or is "emotionally unavailable". 

Example 1:

Clair* comes to counseling because her husband told her she needed it.  In interacting with her she feels very needy, clingy and dependent.  She provoked in me an urge to take care of her.  I often found myself feeling maternal toward her.  I also found myself wanting to tell her what to do rather than help her find her own answers.  She felt very childlike to me.  When I reflected this back to her she confirmed that her husband often complained that she was too needy and relied too heavily on him.  He often admonished her to "grow up". 

Example 2: 

Joseph* entered counseling as a result of a dispute with his girlfriend which bordered on abusive.  He had a very low flashpoint and became very defensive and hostile when questioned.  I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells when working with him to avoid setting him off.  When I reflected this back to him he confirmed that he used his anger to keep people at a distance.  Joseph had a very abusive childhood and learned that; 1) people could not be trusted, 2) anger was power and 3) not to let anyone get to close to him, that way he could avoid being abandoned, disappointed or hurt.

Example 3:

Juan* entered counseling at his wife's urging.  He was a brilliant engineer who had risen far in his profession as a result of his bright mind which was able to analyze the most difficult problems and find an elegant, intelligent solution.  He could not understand why he could not do the same with his marriage.  In interacting with Juan I always felt as if there was a wall between us.  He used his brilliance to deflect any attempts to reach his feelings and intellectualized every interaction between us. When I reflected this back to him he agreed this was the same thing his wife told him. 

You can do this for yourself if you have trusted friends or family members.  Ask them how it feels to be around you.  Take what they say with a grain of salt for they may have their own agendas.  But if more than one person feels like they have to walk on eggshells around you, feels like you are distant, feels like you are cold toward them, etc. you may want to stop and pay attention to that.  You may want to get more feedback from them. 

You can also use relationships to learn more about how you feel to others.  If partners keep breaking up with you for the same reasons there is important information there.  Ask them to tell you more and try to listen without getting defensive.  If you keep having the same problems with bosses ask for more information from trusted colleagues or your current boss, if possible. 

This only works, of course, with people who truly have your best interests in mind and who give you fair and honest feedback.  If you are the Scapegoat and people in your family are invested in keeping you in that role you might want to look elsewhere for feedback.  Likewise, if your ex-partners are not able to give you feedback that is helpful without being hurtful you may want to look elsewhere.  Use your own judgment and trust your intuition about the best people in your life to ask for feedback.

*Client vignettes are fictionalized to protect client confidentiality.

 

 

Comments

[Noreen Barron]

Great article Kellen.