When one member of the family changes...

For the first post of the new year I would like to address "change".  This is a time when people often make New Year's resolutions to change behaviors they dislike.  It is important to realize the effects those changes may have on your family interactions. 

Take for instance an alcoholic.  They get sober and totally change their lives around.  They work, they spend time with their family, they are responsible and reliable.  How does their family react to this?  You might be surprised.

Some families are relieved and happy and welcome the change.  Though the alcoholic will have to work long and hard to earn back the trust their alcoholism has cost them, the family is willing to give them the chance to do this.  Through hard work, sobriety and time their families will slowly reach out to them more, offer them more opportunities for participation and responsibility and eventually allow them to resume their position as a cherished - and trusted- member of the family.  Other families may have a very different reaction.

Take for instance Javier*.  He worked long and hard to get sober.  He got a good job and kept it.  He took responsibility for helping his ex-wife raise their children.  He showed up to help with his aging parents.  He stopped driving drunk and getting into fights.  He was responsible and reliable.  He made himself physically and emotionally available to his family.  Yet they refused to allow him to be sober.  They actively worked to sabotage him (offering him drinks, questioning his manhood for not being able to "hold his liquor", criticizing the "losers" at his support group, etc.)  They kept referring to him in terms of his past, alcoholic, behaviors and treated him with open derision.  They continued to refer to his alcoholic behavior and would not let him leave it behind.  They refused to forgive him or give him a chance to restore the family's trust and respect.  They seemed heavily invested in keeping him an alcoholic.  Why?

Why would any family want their son to be an alcoholic?  If the rest of the family are drinkers they might fear one of their member becoming sober.  This might require that they look at their own behavior.  In fact, if they have any undesirable behavior (sexual abuse, infidelity, domestic violence, child abuse, eating disorders, etc.) they may not want Javier to become sober.  An openly drunken member of the family makes and easy target.  The family can hide behind Javier, their own dysfunction overshadowed by his obvious alcoholism. 

They may also fear change.  If Javier changes his behavior, they might have to examine their own.  It upsets the status quo.  It changes the norm.  And people dislike and fear change. 

Javier's sobriety may also upset the balance of power.  If he has a sibling who is the "Hero" of the family - smart, successful, together and always in control - that person's role may be challenged if Javier becomes a fully functional and responsible adult. That person may also not be such a Hero if Javier is not being such a screw up.  It's easy to look very good next to a drunk.  But if Javier is now sober and functional he may be a threat.  What if he gets a better job than the Hero?  Makes more money?  Marries better?  Has better behaving children?  Buys a better house?  Sibling rivalry may rear its head with a vengeance.

Changing family roles can also be a problem.  If Javier has always been the family Scapegoat and he suddenly decides to resign his position, this means some other member of the family will have to become the "bad one".  No one wants this!  They fight mightily to get Javier back into his role. 

And everything I have said about Javier's family could also apply to his spouse and his friends.  If his spouse has been the "healthy" one, Javier's sobriety could jeopardize her position in the family.  She may have had sole responsibility for the children, but she also had complete control over them.  If Javier walks back into the family sober, she may have to consult with him before making decisions.  The children may start looking up to him as much as they do to her.  She will lose some of her ultimate power.  She will have to share their love and respect with Javier.  If she is heavily locked into a "savior" role, what does she do when their is no one to save?  Javier's changes will have profound changes on her and their children.  Some of these changes may not be as welcomed as Javier had expected.

If you are the one changing, it is important to be aware of this and be prepared for it.  It is also important to realize that your family's behaviors usually come from fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of exposure.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of failure.  Fear of losing status.  Fear of losing power.  Does that mean Javier should tolerate his family treating his this way?  No.  If he's being sabotaged and derided he may point this out to his family and hope they are willing to own it.  If they don't, he may have to limit his interactions with his family.  But it will help his healing if he can realize that his family's motivations are self preservation rather than cruelty or lack of love.  Ideally, their love for him will outweigh their dysfunction, but life is rarely ideal.

Does this mean you shouldn't bother making changes?  NO!  Improving yourself will make you happpier, healthier and more whole.  It will allow you to enjoy your life more.  You'll feel more in control of yourself and your choices.  You'll improve not only your self esteem, but your relationships with other healthy people. 

It's just important to realize how your changes may affect the unhealthy people in your life so you can be prepared and have a backup plan.  Be aware of who truly supports you and who subtly sabotages you.  Surround yourself with the people who support your healthier choices and don't sabotage your efforts.  That may be one of the most important changes you make.

 

*Client vignettes are composites to protect client confidentiality.

 

Comments

[felix]

This is another excellent article Kellen, but whilst change can be very good, I worry that many people become angered by their situations and can resort to domestic violence at these times;

There have been many sad stories in the news this new year. What would you suggest these people do to prevent their anger from becoming violent? I would love you to write a simple step by step guide to help them calm their feelings and convert their anger towards a more positive outcome.Is this possible?

[Kellen]

Hi Felix,

I can write it in one step: Walk Away.

Research has shown that when our heart rate gets over 96 beats per minute, our frontal cortex shuts down. Basically, that's the thinking part of our brains. When people get that that upset and agitated they start saying cruel things, hitting below the belt and things continue to escalate, sometimes to the point of violence. If a couple can agree to walk away when things get tense and come back together when they cool down - that will make a big difference. Some use a signal (like the time out signal used in sports) or a word. Some can just state that they need to walk away and it will be honored. Two things are required:

1: Both parties have to agree to walk away. One can't try to walk away while the other chases them down or continues to take cheap shots. They have to part company and stop talking about whatever is causing the conflict. And that includes not calling mother or talking to one of the children about it. The subject is closed until everyone can calm down and return to the discussion.

2. They have to agree to return. If one party uses the walk away clause to exit the scene and not return to finish the discussion the other party will not be duped into dropping it again.

It also helps if couples can calmly negotiate points of sensitivity or hurt which should be avoided. A therapist would say, "what pushes your buttons". There are some things which just hurt and should be avoided. Unfortunately, fighting couples often go for these soft spots in a fight instead of avoiding them. Obviously, this has to be avoided.

I hope this helps.

[Kellen]

Hi Felix (again),

I KNEW I had written an article of fighting fair, but couldn't find it for the life of me. I hope this helps answer your question:

http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2009/02/how-to-fight-fair-in-a-relationships.html.html

[madcityquilter]

Hi Kellen,
Your articles have helped me sort out the dysfunction in my family more than years of therapy have. My question: Is it possible to have just been a parentified child through high school, and then when trying to individuate become the scapegoat because my thinking, likes and dislikes, politics, etc. changed from the conventional wisdom of my family?

[felix]

Thanks Kellen,

I had guessed that would be your answer, and at last it is nice to know the reasoning behind the need to walk away; I didn't know that the heart rate changed the way we think and communicate!

I will remember this if I ever feel the need to help someone.

Felix.

[felix]

Ooops!

Hi again,

I tried the link but found it didn't work. I googled the information in various ways with the same result. It would be nice to see, could you investigate please.

[Kellen]

Well Felix,

Oh no! I wrote it, but never published it, lol!!! Well Felix, I can see it on MY computer. Why can't you??? LOL. It should be freshly posted, or you can find it here:

http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2012/02/how-to-fight-fair-in-a-relationship.html

[Kellen]

Hi MadCityQuilter,

Absolutely! That's not always scapegoating, but it certainly can be. It's definitely a boundary issue. Healthy boundaries allow different members of a family to hold their own thoughts, opinions, beliefs and feelings about things - even those which are contrary to the parents or other members. And this would be the most likely time when that controversy would arise - during individuation.

Truly loving and healthy families are able to accept and incorporate members with differing opinions, lifestyles, sexual orientations, religious beliefs, political ideals, etc.

[Johnny]

Amazing analysis. Although you say life is rarely ideal, I unfortunately find myself to be the 'ideal' scapegoat. My experience in trying to get out of this role is most challenging in its utter aloneness. Who will believe me (other than the therapist I hire)? Just hasn't proven to be enough to change me or my situation. Sorry to be so despairing but something tells me you know what I mean;)

[Kellen]

Hi Johnny,

I certainly do. Getting out of this role is very hard and sometimes takes a lifetime. But the harder you fight, the more you work at it, the better you will become at dodging the traps.

I hope you are able to invite new people into your life with whom you don't repeat this role and who will know you as you truly are, not the role you have been conscripted into.