Please Repeat After Me: "You Cannot Change Other People"

You can either focus on changing yourself or waste a huge amount of time and energy and passion trying to change others.

I once worked with a nurse who was quite burnt out and abusive toward clients.  Despite appeals by staff members to administration to deal with her, she was the personal favorite of the boss - and we all know how that goes.  Unfair?  Yes.  Reality?  Unfortunately.

The nurse seemed to target several clients in particular.  Perhaps because misery loves company.  Perhaps because it was so easier to set them off.  Perhaps because they reacted by creating the biggest scene.  Whatever the cause, the nurse could then sit back smugly and comment on how "unstable" that client was and how badly they were behaving.  It was strictly bullying at its worst.  And, since the clients were required to come to the clinic daily to receive their dose from her she had lots of opportunities.

I was working with a particular client who, because of severe trauma issues from childhood abuse, was very emotional and very easily upset.  She came to one day after an incident in the lobby involving the nurse and asked me why she was picking on her and what she could do about it. 

Why was the nurse picking on her?  Was she?  Since the nurse was so consistently abusive it was easy to study her methods.  I asked the client to pay attention to who the nurse picked on.  Was it just the client?

She returned a few days later with a revelation.  While standing in line waiting to receive her medication from the nurse she noticed that the nurse not only picked on the person in line in front of her, but also picked on the person in line behind her.  The nurse was picking on practically everyone.  So the problem was not the client, it was the nurse.  What a relief to my poor client!

Then I introduced the idea that regardless of how the nurse was behaving, she, the client, had a choice about how she responded to the nurse.  Traditionally, the client had been reduced to something just short of a hysterial outburst which left her feeling powerless and victimized.  I asked the client how she wanted to respond instead.  She had never considered this.  She left pondering the question and returned the next week with the answer - "Like a lady".  I asked her to define what this meant to her.  She thought about it and said that she wanted to keep her calm and her grace regardless of what the nurse did.  I asked her what she would need to do that and we worked out her own personal strategy.  The client left and we both waited for the next "incident" with the nurse to see how it would play out. 

We didn't have to wait long.  Within a few days the nurse went off on the client in the middle of the lobby as she stood in line for her medication.  I happened be passing the doorway of the lobby and heard it.  I stopped, and held my breath and watched, breathlessly, as the client took a deep breath, kept her cool and conducted herself with grace and dignity despite what the nurse was doing.  She stood taller and straighter.  Instead of ducking her head she coolly stared the nurse down and waited.  The nurse, having her aggression met with assertiveness exploded.  The client, realizing she had triumphed maintained her calm - and her grace.  She got her medication and quietly left the lobby.  She walked toward me standing in the doorway, beaming.  "I did it!"  Yes she had.  And she had done it beautifully.

And the nurse quit taunting her, because it no longer worked.

 

Comments

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