People with a cluster B personality disorder (antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, histrionic) often violate your boundaries in a variety of ways.
If they are upset about something, they expect you to be upset too. If you have a problem, but they are in a good mood, they can’t understand why you are bringing them down. If they are having a bad day, but you are in a good mood, they expect to feel bad with them and to take responsibility for making them feel better. They will also resent the fact that you are having a good day and may sabotage you or lash out at you so you can join them in their misery. They expect you to feel the same emotions they do and they expect you to make them feel better. You grow up to absorb the emotions of everyone around you and to feel responsible for fixing them because that is what a cluster B parent has groomed you to do.
Cluster Bs will tell you what you think. They will insist that you share their points of view, their opinions, their likes and dislikes. They will demand that you tell them what you think, then tell you you’re wrong - you don’t really think that. They will not allow you to have your own ideas and opinions. They will not allow you to think your own thoughts. They will demand your opinion, then disparage you for having it or dismiss it as irrelevant.
“Oh, that’s not what you think. Let me tell you what to think. You agree with me on this.”
(A narcissistic father discussing politics with his son, who disagreed with him.)
What’s theirs is theirs and what’s yours is theirs.
If you are a minor living at home, your room is their room. You can never have any privacy. They will walk in on you in the bathroom. They will search your room when you’re not there. They will go through your things. They will give away or loan your belongings without asking you.
If you’re an adult, they will invite themselves into your house. They will visit you at work though you’ve told them it’s not allowed. They will come to your house when you’re not home and “borrow” your belongings without your permission. They will eat off your plate. They will buy clothes for you in the style they like and the size they wear, and insist you wear them.
They will destroy your most precious belongings, often just for spite, because they resent you having something which delights you so much. They can be that petty and vicious.
I can't believe it. I keep hearing their words, “it's just a fish”, but they weren’t just fish. They were my sanctuary. And I’m mad at myself for thinking they couldn’t do something this awful. I still can’t believe what they did, even when I’m staring right at it. How could they be so cruel? If not to me, to the fish?
I spent almost a year planning and setting up a beautiful aquarium. I worked extra jobs to pay for it. I started with a small tank and slowly worked my way up to bigger ones. I did a lot of research and created just the right combination of fish and plants and decorations. It was my safe haven. It was my peaceful escape from all the chaos.
I came home from school and found they had taken it completely apart. There was nothing left but the empty spot in my room where it had stood. I couldn’t believe it. What had they done with the fish? Did they just let them flop around, slowly suffocating? Since I’ll never know I’m left with my imagination, and it’s horrible.
And their reason for doing this? Because I was spending too much time on the aquarium. So they basically destroyed my beautiful fish because I wasn’t paying enough attention to them.
My dad’s response when I protested? “You always overreact. Why do you have to be such a drama queen?”
They will read your email, go through your computer’s history, go through your phone, listen in on your conversations, and read your mail. They will burst in on you in the bathroom or when you are in the shower. They will demand to know private details of your sex life and your relationships.
This will touch your body, usually painfully, pinching, grabbing, touching inappropriately. They will make disparaging, inappropriate, hurtful comments/observations about your body loudly and/or in public. And they do not believe you have the right to reject or refuse their intrusions or touches.
My father always grabbed my knee cap and squeezed as hard as he could. I don’t know if he considered that affection or what. It hurt like hell. When I asked him not to do it, he would only do it more. His touch always felt creepy or sadistic.
They will intrude upon your relationships. If you don’t talk to them, they will call your spouse and demand to know why you aren’t calling them. They ingratiate themselves with the people around you in order to extract information from them or engage them as flying monkeys They will flirt with your spouse. They will call your boss to see where you are. They will turn your siblings against you. They will give your children permission to do things you have forbidden, take them where you said they could not go, buy them things you do not want them to have. They will force their relationships on you against your protests.
Nadine’s partner (Marlena) is a narcissist. Marlena has an adult daughter (Jessie) who is rude and abusive to Nadine. Nadine has made it clear that she does not want Jessie to come over while Nadine is there. Marlena disputed this at first, but then agreed to it. However, the issue continues to pop up every few months. “But it’s Christmas, don’t you think I should be able to see my daughter at Christmas?” “Jessie just came by to drop something off, I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about it.”
They demand to be answered - right now. Whether they are calling you, emailing you, stopping by to visit unannounced or coming into town. When they decide to talk to you, you are supposed to make yourself available. If you don’t, they many inundate you with demands that you respond to them. If you continue to ignore them, they will track you down at home, work, school, wherever you are. They will contact everyone around you to demand that you respond to them - right now.
In their minds, you do not have the right to be busy at work, to be taking care of a small child, to be attending a medical appointment or to be going to the bathroom. They believe you must answer them, immediately, at all times.
I came home from work one day and found that my narcissistic mother had been calling everyone in my life for hours trying to find out where I was. She had called me at work earlier in the day. I have told her repeatedly that I can’t be on the phone at work. But she doesn’t care. She wants to talk to me and she wants to talk to me now. She doesn’t care about me or my employment, only getting what she wants. So I didn’t return her call, because I can’t be on the phone at work. She began calling everyone, my friends, my colleagues, my neighbors, everyone. I was so embarrassed. But at the same time, I was kind of relieved. Now they can finally see what I’m talking about when I tell them how crazy this woman is.
They will let themselves into your home when you are at work. They will pester you at work when you’ve told them you can’t take personal calls. They will question your neighbors about your whereabouts or habits. They will intrude upon you at school. They will guilt you, bully you and pathologize you (act like you are crazy for making such a big deal out of something so trivial). Ironically it is them who are making a big deal out of something so trivial.
Adolfo’s father (Miguel) is antisocial. Adolfo does not let Miguel come to his house because of; the snide comments Miguel makes about Adolfo’s house, the way Miguel makes himself at home, the way that Miguel demands that Adolfo’s wife wait on him, the way Miguel goes through his things, and the rude and condescending way Miguel treats Adolfo’s wife and children. Miguel was going to take a trip and asked Adolfo if he could park his car at Adolfo’s house while he was on his trip in order to save the parking fees at the airport. Adolfo said no, realizing this was an attempt to get onto Adolfo’s property. Since then, Miguel has made little comments about the money he had to spend on airport parking, how the birds pooped on his car and what kind of son would deny his own father something so trivial. He continues to apply pressure to get Adolfo to let him in his home.
They will take out credit for themselves in your name. They will take money out of your account if they have access to it. They will access your credit card and bank accounts illegally. They will use money and finances to manipulate you.
My car broke down and I went to buy another car. They ran a credit check. I’m sitting in the car dealer’s office when I find out I have a line of credit of Home Depot, which was behind in payments. So they wouldn’t sell me the car because of my bad credit. I knew my dad had been buying a lot of new tools. Now I knew how. I was livid! I don’t know which made me madder, that he took out the credit in my name, or that he didn’t make the payments on it. He always pays his bills on time, but not the credit he took out in my name. When I confront him about it he rolls his eyes and responds, “Well let’s go get your name off of it. I know how sensitive you are. ”