Raised by Wolves

The Narcissist's False Self or Facade

I don't see this mentioned a lot when reading about narcissism.  It's not in the diagnostic manual and a lot of writings overlook or omit this.  This concept has been crucial to my understanding of how to deal with a narcissist. 

Many people assume that a narcissist has an overly inflated self esteem.  In fact, that is the origin of the name, narcissism, from the Greek myth of Narcissus who was so in love with himself that, when he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a pond, he was unable to turn away and died from admiring himself.

I do not think this is true.  I think narcissists have a very, very low opinion of themselves.  I think their true self is profoundly damaged.  Sam Vaknin, a self proclaimed narcissist says his true self is completely missing, destroyed.   Whether it is damaged beyond repair or missing altogether, I think the narcissist is aware of this "hole in their soul" on some level.  It is probably and subconscious awareness as their self awareness seems to be minimal at best.  Because this awareness exists only on a subconscious level; 1) you shouldn't try to discuss it with them because they aren't consciously aware of it and 2) anything which threatens to make this a conscious awareness is extremely threatening to them.  I think this is why you get the profound rage and insane behavior when you contradict or criticize them.  They perceive that you see the crack in their facade and rush to defend it, wildly and sometimes dangerously, but without any self awareness.  I think this is why they are so intolerant of being wrong. 

Why is this important to know?  Because this false self, this facade is what you are actually interacting with.  The true self may have had empathy, compassion, and fully functioning emotions.  The false self has little or no feelings.  Someone has said that narcissists only experience anger and fear.  I think this may be true, they definitely display those emotions.  By contrast, they demonstrate no empathy and no remorse.

So how does this affect how you interact with them? First, you have to realize:  they have no empathy and no remorse.  None.  Zilch.  Zero.   So what do you appeal to?  You don't.  I wasted huge periods of my life trying to appeal to narcissists.  Trying to get them to see or care that they were hurting me, someone they claimed to love.  They couldn't.  They wouldn't.  They didn't.  I tried to get them to feel remorse for their bad behavior or their mistreatment.  They never, ever did.  They simply don't have it to give.  And it's absolutely crucial for your sanity that you get this.  There is nothing there to appeal to.  You are wasting your time and your energy.  Your hopes, your expectations, your wishes that they will change or realize what they are doing or care are futile.  They are not based on reality.  So wake up, realizing who you are talking to and what you are talking to and change your expectations.  You're only setting yourself up to be hurt and frustrated.

So what does interacting with a false self look like?  And how should you change your tactics? When you are interacting with a narcissist, you have to remember that you are interacting with a facade of a human being, not an actual, fully actualized, authentic, feeling person.  The false self of the narcissist reads you and fakes a reaction or a response to what you are doing.  They have learned to fake it.  They have learned to emulate what other people say or do.  They spend a lot of energy reading you in order to fake the correct response to you.  And they have varying degrees of success.  

If you want to see this demonstrated, try to discuss something with them which requires empathy.  

Example 1:

I had just had surgery and was in a great deal of pain.  When I expressed my distress to the narcissist in my life the reaction I got was - nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  Not a word, not a facial expression - nothing.  They just looked at me with a completely blank look and walked off.  They felt nothing and this was reflected in their behavior.  I saw the crack in their facade.

Example 2: 

When I told my narcissistic coworker that a young, 17 year old girl we worked with had died, the response I got was canned and artificial.  Something like, "huh, that is too bad" and she went back to what she was doing.  We knew and worked with this young girl.  And this narcissist was a mother of two.  I, on the other hand, had no children.  Despite the fact that I had never had children I could not imagine what the mother of that young girl was going through to lose a child, and lose them so young.  Yet my friend, the mother of two, felt nothing.   Nor did she come back later with any indication that she had any sympathy.  Our company had a lot of donations from the family which had to be processed, the family came out to visit the site, there was a funeral, lots of other employees were talking about it.  It wasn't that the narcissist was initially overwhelmed or stunned.  She never changed her behavior.  She felt nothing, and it showed.

I think the false self is also why they lash out in rage or get completely delusional in their arguments.  When you do something which exposes this false self, like criticizing them, calling them on their bad behavior or pointing out the truth of a situation - they feel threatened because you are seeing that very damaged "hole in their soul" - and they lash out blindly and forcefully.  

Things Narcissists Do

You may understand what is going on inside the head of a narcissist, but how does that manifest itself in their behavior?  What should you look for to help you identify a narcissist?  

The behaviors listed here may not be manifested by every narcissist in every situation.  This is a general guide of things narcissists do.

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 They are controlling, blaming and self-absorbed.

They are intolerant of others' views and unaware of others' needs.

They feel rejected humiliated and threatened when criticized.  To protect themselves from these dangers they often react with disdain, rage or defiance to any slight criticism - real or imagined.  Even constructive criticsm, kindly done and coming from someone who cares about them can provoke a violent response.  

They insist on being the center of attention.

They seek favorable treatment since they believe they are special and intellectually superior.

They are convinced that others are envious and jealous of them.  They often use this excuse for their lack of real, intimate friendships or as an explanation why they are having trouble interacting with someone.

When their friends enjoy successes of their own, the narcissist will find ways to punish them by downplaying their achievements, negating the validity of the achievement, denying that the achievement happened or mocking the person for being happy about it.

They lack empathy and put others down.

They feel no compassion when you are distressed, upset, sad or in pain.

They do not hesitate to exploit others.

They blame others for problems.  They don't believe they make mistakes - ever, even the simplest, most common ones which other people make.

They lack the ability to process shame and they get impatient, arrogant and condescending.  

They will often excuse their own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring them or are expecting too much of them.

They engage in risky behaviors when denied their narcissistic supply and they are prone to aggressive behavior when rejected.

They are unpredictable in their moods and actions and you will have trouble figuring out what they want and where you stand.

They may be capable of short term regret and may apologize profusely, shallowly and insincerely if backed into a corner.  (Personally, I suspect this is more the antisocial than the narcissist.)

If they apologize, they will quickly rationalize their behavior and return to narcissistic patterns.

They always think about themselves before others an act as if the world revolves around them.

They lack empathy and haven't the ability to relate to others.

They have a sense of grandiosity and are arrogant.

They are self-centered and have a hard time understanding why they can't maintain long-term relationships with partners.

They blame relationship problems on others instead of taking any responsibility .

In a crowd of people, they need all eyes on them and will do almost anything to make sure the attention is on them.

They have the tendency to interrupt people in the middle of a conversation to turn the subject to themselves and they might make their overdramatize their story to accomplish this, i.e. be a drama queen.

As long as they are getting undivided attention they are happy.

They do not respond well to criticism even if the criticism is thoughtful and constructive but they are quick to criticize others.

They continuously manipulate their environment in order to exhibit grandiosity, self-importance and superiority yet despite their grandiosity they crave attention and admiration.

While they pretend to care, the reality is they don't care.

Their world starts and stops with "me, myself and I".

They believe they are exceptionally beautiful/handsome and charming - regardless of the facts.  

They have absolutely no concern for others apart from those who are in a position to provide them with narcissistic supply.

They are skilled at immediately assessing the pulse of people's vulnerability to capitulate to their power and desirability.

They have very low self esteem  The common misconception about narcissists is they are in love with themselves and they have an unshakable self-belief.  This couldn't be further from the truth.  While they seem self sufficient and appear to have an elevated sense of self , in actuality, their self-esteem is dismal and their grandiosity and arrogance is an attempt to cover this.

They are extremely insecure people who need others to boost their ego.  They others to boost their crumbling sense of worth and they ride high on the collective energy.  So much so that it is easy for them to believe they don't need anyone.

If you injure their ego it can make them anxious, irritable or downright aggressive.  They can become revengeful and engage in retaliatory behaviors. 

It's all about them and they are NOT interested in making you feel good about your achievements.  They only concentrate on their own achievements.

They use all their powers of persuasion, which includes lying about my achievements, to make you insecure or jealous.

They will plant evil seeds of doubt in your mind so that you are sure to hang around.

They work hard to make you feel vulnerable.  In the meantime, they refrain from revealing their own vulnerability.

In a relationship with a narcissist you will feel uncared for and emotionally neglected, because you are.  They have no empathy.  You are there to support them, not the other way around.  If they are sick it's your job to express concern and offer to help them.  However, when you are sick, expect no such kindness or concern from them.  

They look down on sensitive, vulnerable people and despise people who are empathic and loving.  

They mock expressions of compassion and passion.  

They are devoid of empathy.

They are so afraid of their true self they would rather disparage it then admit to my own faults and soft spots.

No matter how much goodness you show to them, no matter how much of your time, effort, love, empathy, understanding, communication you show it is never enough.

Life is all about them.

Them, them, them.

 

Narcissists Can't be Bothered

One of things about narcissists which I find baffling is the things which do not bother them.  This goes back to their complete lack of empathy, but still, it is astonishing to watch.  

If I'm dealing with a narcissist who has no trouble falling asleep anytime or anywhere, then I could understand why they would have little regard for other people's sleep.  If they have a partner who struggles with insomnia, they might thoughtlessly be noisy or wake someone up for no good reason, but you might understand why they wouldn't "get" that this is a problem if it's not a problem for them.  

What flabbergasts me is the narcissist who is oblivious to someone struggling with the same problem they have.  For example, you have a narcissist with insomnia.  They struggle to get to sleep.  They struggle to stay asleep.  They will tear someone's head off for waking them up or making noise when they are trying to get to sleep. 

I would expect them to be as considerate of other people trying to sleep as they expect others to be of them, right?  Not on your life.  Not a narcissist.  I know a narcissist who has this problem sleeping.  But what does she do?  She vacuums, loudly, outside the bedroom door.  She wakes them up for trivial things.  She bangs and clangs when they're trying to sleep.  It's mind boggling to me that she can be so oblivious to someone else trying to sleep when she; 1) has such a hard time herself and 2) demands that other people tiptoe around her sleep.

I know another narcissist who cannot be still and cannot be closed in.  What does she do with her animals?  Keeps them in little, closed in pens.  Again, if she preferred to be in little, confined spaces I might understand her oblivion to its effect on others.  But she cannot tolerate it.  Yet this is what she does to others.  

Their complete oblivion to the feelings of others is stunning.  It stems from their complete lack of empathy.  And this is one of the ways you will know them.

How to Develop a Secure Attachment

How to Develop a Secure Attachment

1 - Find a partner who is capable of forming a secure attachment, who has a history of forming secure attachments.
2 - Work on feeling less shame of not being good enough so you can start feeling more worthy.
3 - Work on building your self-esteem.
4 – Work on expressing your emotional needs in a clear and direct way.
5 - Don't play games. Be vulnerable and direct instead.
6 - Resist being so critical of yourself.
7 - Learn to do a lot more self-soothing.
8 - Focus more on yourself.
9 - Go to therapy.
10 - Identify your relationship patterns.  Learn the kind of partners you choose and why you choose them.  Learn what you do to replicate those patterns.