I seem to be working with several clients who are "heavily invested in the victim role" at the moment. What does this counselor jargon mean?
The first time I saw this particular scenario played out was in working with a victim of domestic violence. (The details of this case have been confabulated to protect confidentiality.) I was watching a woman talking to an intake worker about her ex-husband from whom she had been separated for several years. She went to great lengths to tell the worker how abused she had been in the relationship and how it still kept her from functioning. No matter what kind of help the worker offered her the woman had numerous excuses for why she could not take these steps toward freedom and had to continue living with one of her family members who was now starting to tire of her and become abusive.
I have seen the same pattern with people who live with a substance abuser or a spouse who is perpetually cheating on them. They can be the people who spend an inordinate amount of time taking care of other people, either because they are too sick or irresponsible - at least in the mind of the caretaker. They can also be the rescuers who spend all their energy "saving" everyone else.
Let me be perfectly clear. This is a huge difference between someone who is heavily invested in the victim role and someone who is temporarily caught in a situation they haven't quite managed to work themselves out of yet. How can you tell the difference?
The former lives in the victim role and cannot be wrenched from it with any amount of coersion, logic or even force. If removed from the house, they will return. If the abuser dies or leaves, they will find another one just like him (or her). If you try to help them find solutions, they have a million excuses for why they will not work.
The latter, if given a chance to escape, takes it and never looks back except to figure out how they got into that situation so it will not happen again. If you try to help them find solutions, they try them. They do not wait for you to think up a solution, they take responsibility for where they are and actively seek a way out for themselves. They act on opportunities rather than making up excuses.
How do we get into the victim role?
We are usually put in those role by our families of origin for whatever reason. How it is perpetuated in our adult lives can be as different as families are different.
Fear of confrontation can put us in the victim role and keep us there. We allow people to use or abuse us and don't speak up. They treat us badly, borrow money and don't repay it, constantly fob rides from us without contributing one iota to the gas or maintenance of your care. They expect you to deliver them on their schedule not yours and are often late, requiring you to wait on them and possibly causing you to be late for your own appointments.
Yet we don't speak up. We shove it down and perhaps overeat, or spend or drink or take a Valium to numb the anger and shame. Yet when asked, "do you mind?" we always smile and dutifully say, "No". Perhaps we are afraid they will turn on us, or not love us. Perhaps we have become dependent on them and will lose our financial security if we refuse them.
You keep yourself in a powerless situation. Your parent(s), husband, wife, children hold the purse strings for your life, make decisions for you, hold power over you. You often replicate this same pattern at work, finding a boss that keeps you in a demeaning, powerless position and abuses you as well.
You bend and comply to keep everyone else happy. Others tell you how to live your life, what religion to practice, where to live, how to raise your children, how to dress, how to act, how to think. You can't argue because you depend upon them financially or emotionally.
You allow other people to make demeaning remarks, sexually inappropriate remarks and don't report it for fear of rocking the boat. You will even change jobs to escape the person rather than confront them.
Your children may be tyrants, ruling you and your home rather than you being in control. They may be aggressive, rebellious, openly hostile or demeaning. You fear if you put your foot down they will no longer love you, or leave you.
You avoid confrontation at all costs. You often run to other people to intercede on your behalf or to garner sympathy from them.
You complain about how you are treated, but expect other people to do something about it. You do not address the situation yourself.
You may use guilt or manipulation to try to get what you want rather than ask for it directly.
You feel sorry for yourself and rage or cry or detach to avoid the pain rather than confronting the source of the pain. You believe others are mind readers and should know how you want to be treated or know they are causing you unhappiness or pain.
If you do set a boundary it is often to get even. You can be talked or bullied out of it because you didn't really mean it to start with or you are unable to stand up for yourself.
You have difficulty accepting compliments or any kind of positive feedback.
You are accustomed to being mistreated. Being treated kindly often feels strange and uncomfortable. If you are used to being ignored, attention is uncomfortable. If you are used to being raged against, quiet and kindness are uncomfortable.
Standing up for yourself can be intimidating at first. You may be tempted to back down or seek others' approval. It can be very uncomfortable to not have their approval or feel rejected. It can feel uncomfortable to risk having their love withdrawn from you. but if they only love you if you sacrifice yourself to them, are they really loving you?
But if you stick to your guns and hold your ground, they will learn to stop victimizing you. We teach others how to treat us. We can also re-teach others how to treat us.