I'm reading an excellent book on domestic violence by a woman who experienced it. In "Whose Face Is in the Mirror?
"Every time you feel you have been victimized, honestly analyze the situation, and look at how you may have set yourself up to become a victim."
Now many women don't want to hear this, but it is very true. We often cast ourselves in the role of victim long before we are actually victimized? One of the major ways I see this happen is when women don't stand up for themselves or their rights. Another way it to always put everyone else and their needs before your own. That sends the message that you are less important.
Another thing I see women do that puts them in a submissive role is to not express things directly. Ms. Schwartz describes slipping her leg out from under the covers so that her husband could see her bruises in the hopes he would feel guilty about them. Why not confront him directly with what he had done? This would be a less submissive and more honest approach, but I see many women adopt the former methods. Some of this is the way we are taught to act in our culture. Strong women can be very threatening and are not well tolerated. But I think we have to work to change this.
"Low self-esteem begs for the words: 'Isn't she wonderful?' What others think of us is our driving force. Unfortunatley, it usually drives us into areas that aren't going to be beneficial for us, mentally or physically."
An excellent point. This is what compels many women to stay in the abusive relationship. If you look at the patterns of domestic violence you can see that after the abuse typically comes a period of heightened "courting" behavior where the abuser is especially attentive and complimentary. This is what many women stay for, because their low self esteems need to hear these words - at any cost, even abuse. For more information about these patterns see the article on this site, "The Cycle of Domestic Violence".
"I had a problem telling people no. I would be vague or make excuses instead of telling the truth. I couldn't stand to be disliked. On the few occasions that I did stand up for myself, I always felt fearful adn ashamed afterward and would back down from my taken stand."
I see this so much with survivors of domestic violence and women in general. Once again, this comes from low self esteem, but I also think there is a cultural factor that teaches women to put everyone else first and that standing up for ourselves or to mistreatment is "unladylike". We are also taught that anger is not "becoming". This is disturbing. Anger (not aggression or violence, just the emotion of anger) is necesssary. It is our self defense mechanism. It is what alerts us that our boundaries have been violated or that we are not being treated with respect. Anger is what makes us stand up and say, "I have had enough". Anger is what makes us leave a situation that is unhealthy for us. But women often have this emotion denied to them. This, then, renders us powerless.
"Although abusive men are very controlling individuals, I have found that, in some ways, the battered woman can be even more controlling than the abuser. We try to control the outcome of events. We quell emotions and mask our true nature by smoothing things over instead of letting those involved do it themselves. What we believe to be strength is usually our weakness."
This one is powerful and many women will not like to read or hear it, but there is some strong truth here.
Ms. Schwartz also describes two other elements of domestic violence very eloquently: 1) her use of rationalization to deny what her instincts were telling her - that the relationship had serious problems and 2) her husband's very controlling behavior in every aspect of their lives.
I see so many women rationalizing things men do to minimize the atrocity of the behavior ("it's not really that bad"), make excuses for it ("he's under a lot of stress at work", "he just had too much to drink that day"), blame themselves for it ("I pushed him too far and made him mad") or deny that it is happening all together ("he accidentally fell and pushed me, he didn't hit me", "I'm just imagining it"). Rationalizing away what their instincts tell them becomes a habit with some people (you can read more about this in the article, "Listening to Your Intuition"). This rationalization is typically combined with self blame so that the women manages to convince herself that she is the cause of the problem, something she did caused his violence and his violence was justified by her unsuitable behavior. No matter what you do to another person (short of threaten their life) violence is simply not an acceptable response.
Her description of her husband's controlling behavior is also textbook. There is something called a Power Wheel in the field of domestic violence treatment which describes controlling and intimidating behavior which is often employed by abusive men. You can read more about this in the article, "The Power and Control Wheel". If you are a woman in a relationship who sees these characteristics in her partner you should take heed.
Ms. Schwartz also examines the effects of alcohol and substance abuse on the abuse, her dislike for dating "nice men" and why she preferred "jerks" and her relationship with her father and how it provided the blueprint for her adult relationships with men.
"Controlling types of people are actually very fearful. Once they feel that they are losing control over another person who has always submitted to their demands, they will either back down, try a different approach, or become more threatening.
I detested controlling types of people, yet I sought them out. I had the need to return to the familiar, and I associated control with love. It was all I knew. I was also a controlling person. I didn't try to control others with violence, but I did so with actions or self-pity. I wanted people to react to my games, no to the truth."
She says so much here and her willingness to look at her own behavior is courageous. I see women who are heavily invested in the victim role and playing the martyr. But getting them to see what they are doing to cast themselves in the role of victim and how to change that behavior is very, very hard. Ms. Schwartz has done some magnificent work here - for herself. The insight and honesty here are amazing.
"Because I seemed to have no control over my own life - in fact, I had given it away - I needed others to control me. Since I lacked a belief in myself, I sought approval from those who would tell me what I needed to hear - whether good or bad. But somehow I couldn't accept positive comments. Suspicious, I would wonder what those people wanted from me. They had to have an ulterior motive. However, I would readily accept any negative comments."
I see this so much in women with whom I work - whether they are in an abusive relationship or not. Women just seem to have trouble accepting compliments, but are desperately in need of them. Low self esteem is a major women's issue.
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