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November 23, 2008


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I am an adult who felt like the Lost Child and the scape goat. When I was younger, pre-teens,I was totally the lost child, and obeyed, tried to keep the peace, tried to be kind and loving because I wanted to but sometimes out of fear because I didn't understand and couldn't make sense of what was happening to our family. My two older sisters, 10 years older than I, eventually moved out of the family home. Actually, the 2nd eldest sister moved out after rebellious years acting out at mom. I sometimes think she was the scapegoat. However, when she left, things calmed down between her and my mom. My mother and father still were unhappy, and I didn't feel I had anyone to turn to to help this, so maybe this is why I started acting out myself. I was told I started acting out when I was younger than 10/11, but I remember clearly acting out around the age of 11. I hated what was going on in the family, and didn't feel that I got much attention anymore; further, I felt like I was constantly doing something wrong, behaving badly, or was disappointing. I became a bully to my mom when we would argue. I would get so frustrated and angry and then push and yell; sometimes I pinched. I wanted their attention and wanted to have things be better again at the same time, but it seemed like nobody cared. They were always trying to correct my bad behaviour, and never to see what the issue was. I was blamed and called bad. I think my mother still holds it against me. My father intervened when things escallated but he never really bullied me the way I felt my mother did. And my mother told me that the rest of the family knew what was going on - how I was actingg out. I was so embarrased. I was kicked out too. The real bad kid. I just felt rejected and very sad. Also thinking that everyone else felt or thought about me this way. Mu uncle didn't feel this way about me, I know my grandmother didn'e either. My older sister only sw how I was acting towards my parents, and still sticks up for them back them. Even today she doesn't want to talk about how maybe there was something else going on. I feel like they're still looking for me to "mess up" somehow. My mother even referred to me as jackle and hyde back then. I was always one way at home, and another outside of the house. Well I didn't really have issues with people outside the house. I even formed some close relationships with others whom I still keep in contact with - not many, but some. Making it believable that it does exist out there. But when it comes to my parents, who are at least now separated, I still feel like I'm in between them. It's mostly my mother who says negative things about my father - of which I've told her I don't want to hear about anymore, and of course she gets defensive. Sometimes I wonder if she doesn't really like me because I remind her of my father, who she is obviously still bitter towards, and she blames him for the marriage ending even though she ended it. He did do some things that would be hard to forgive, but she did have a choice, and I don't want to be the one she confides the bad shit about him anyways. It just pits me against him, and then I'm resentful towards her. I can't stand this feeling sometimes. I would just like to feel loved and liked by her, but I'm sick and tored, literraly (sp?) of trying to be good for her; to her standards, it's impossible. The rest of the family too. They are by far perfect themselves. It makes me so upset sometimes.

Beyond awesome.

I just have to tell you (before I read on) how wonderful you are. Thank you for your contributions on scapegoating. You've helped me so very much. The entire family bands together to bully, and they are SO hurtful, claiming that I am such a bad person... when I have been the target. I'm just sick inside. I'm 52 years old (young), and your insight just feels wonderful and validating. Thank you.

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