... don't talk about them constantly. I've learned through the years that the people with the most serious problems don't sit around complaining. I have constantly been amazed - and humbled - by the way some of my clients face true adversity and overcome incredible obstacles.
I was sent to talk to Mario, but the caseworker didn't tell me what the "problem" was. When I talked with Mario he didn't indicate there were any problems and told me things were "OK" with him. When I asked him how he spent his day he said that he spent it doing "what most folks did". But I've learned through the years to get really specific, so I asked him to tell me exactly what he did in a usual day. Mario scratched his head and answered, "Well, I get up in the morning, screw on my legs, go downstairs and start to fix breakfast..."
"You screw on your legs?!!"
Mario was a double amputee. However, when asked if he had a problem, he answered, "Not that I know of". Mario did not consider this a problem! I've seen this numerous times and it never ceases to amaze me.
Min was facing her fifth surgery for brain tumors. They occurred every few years and had to be removed which involved shaving her scalp and cutting through her skull. Min had applied for Social Security benefits but was repeatedly denied. I was talking to her about the tumors and she initially described an average day; getting up, eating breakfast, getting dressed, going to her job, etc. Then I asked for specifics. Because of the numerous operations on her brain, her motor skills had been impaired. "Eating breakfast" for Min was an hour long ordeal just to eat a bowl of cereal. Her hands had such tremors that she had to pour the cereal, clean up the cereal that missed the bowl. Pour the milk, clean up the milk that missed the bowl. Eat a spoonful of cereal, clean up the milk and cereal that spilled from her shaking hand. Yet had I not asked about specifics, Min would have described this as "eating breakfast". The fact that she had to get up an extra hour early to do it was not perceived as a "problem" by Min, but merely part of her daily routine.
Lakeisha had extremely debilitating and painful rheumatoid arthritis. Yet I never learned about it until winter, when she asked if her appointments could be moved to the afternoons when the temperature was warmer and it was easier for her to move around. That one request was the only reference she made to her painful disease and it would have been dropped right there if I had not inquired further.
People with real problems don't have time to sit around complaining about them, they are too busy figuring out how to get around them. People with real problems are not victims, they are survivors.
Why is this coming up now?
My sister called last night. Born with serious birth defects, I never hear about how difficult these defects make her life. In the 40 years she has been struggling with the pain of merely trying to walk I rarely hear her talk about it. Once in a blue moon it gets to her and she calls to talk about it. Only then do I get a tiny glimpse of what she faces everyday. Like Mario, Min and Lakeisha I realize, for a second, the enormous obstacles she faces everyday and the worries she has about her future and the prognosis for her health.
And I am amazed at the strength and courage with which she faces this, every day of her life, without complaining, without asking for special favors, without expecting sympathy and refusing to be pitied. I'm not sure I would be so gracious - and brave.
I hope I can learn how to face such problems by watching these amazing people. I hope I can learn to appreciate the blessings and stop whining and complaining about the insignificant trifles I have to deal with.