If you've been reading this blog, you know how incensed I become at mothers who choose their boyfriends or husbands over their children's safety. Failure to Protect has been a sore spot for me for some time, but this week I saw a mother trying to protect her children and being thwarted by every system she turned to. I was horrified!
Joan's* children reported they had been sexually molested by their stepfather. The school had also reported very sexually inappropriate behavior by the children at school and had expressed concern. Joan believed her children and acted accordingly. Joan tried to leave her husband, but the housing program with whom she was working advocated against her leaving the housing they had arranged because she would "lose her daycare provider". She tried to enter the only domestic violence shelter in town and was turned away because it was not a domestic violence issue. She turned to her church members for guidance and they told her not to say anything until she actually saw something occur herself. They expressed concern for her husband's reputation. She fled to a homeless shelter with her children, then took them to another agency to get counseling and they reported her to Child Protective Services. Her own family refuses to help her and is telling her to be quiet about it and leave it alone.
I was shocked and outraged. I work with so many adults who were molested as children, who reported it to Mom and Mom either told they were lying or ignored them. This is a very major issue in therapy, "Why didn't my mother protect me? Isn't that what a mother is supposed to do?" This is a question that can never be answered successfully for the adult client. And their treatment is much more difficult and complicated than that of adult clients whose mothers believed them and protected them.
Matthew Fox has said, "We are a nation that hates our enemies more than we love our young people." I sometimes wonder if he is not right. If you know someone who is struggling to protect her children from a molester or abuser - help her. Don't tell her to ignore what she knows to be true.
*Client vignettes are fictionalized to protect client anonymity.