Negative Behavior Patterns can be anything from procrastination, overspending, overeating, or poor time management. Changing Negative Behavior Patterns can help you feel more confident in your own abilities and increase your self esteem. This is hard work, but well worth the effort. How do you begin?
Identify the Problem
We have to see and understand the nature of a problem behavior before we can change it. Identifying what we do, when we do it, and how we do it is the first step to changing “it”. Take the time to examine the negative behavior and identify;
1) What you are doing? Be very, very specific here. “Stop being irresponsible” or “Increase my self-esteem” are too nebulous. How are you not being responsible? What are you doing to lower your self-esteem? Identify the negative behavior that is causing problems. “Not paying bills on time every month”.
2) Educate yourself. If your problem is procrastination, read more about procrastination. You can search the internet for more information about the behavior. Information is power and the more you know about the problem the easier it will be to understand and change it.
3) Why you do it? What motivates you to continue the behavior all these years? Is it just a habit that you aren’t aware of? Is it a pattern you learned in your family and were not aware of? Or is there a pay off? Do you benefit from the behavior in some way? If you don’t pay the bills, does your spouse or partner eventually do it for you? If you engage in negative self talk or labeling or other cognitive distortions, where did you learn this? What keeps you from changing it? Identifying your motivation can be quite difficult at times. This may be the most difficult part, but be persistent. The more effort you put into identifying your motivation the more successful you will be.
4) How do you do it? If you don’t pay the bills, what do you do? How do you avoid paying the bills? What distractions do you use? If you engage in labeling what do you specifically call yourself?
5) How do you change it? What are you specifically going to do to change the behavior? If you are going to eliminate negative labels you are applying to yourself, what are you going to replace them with? How are you going avoid playing on the computer and paying the bills instead?
In some cases not all of these steps are warranted. Once we realize that we are not paying the bills in the hopes that someone else will do the dirty work, this may be all that is needed. Our realization that we are putting an unfair burden on our partner may extinguish the behavior itself.
There are also many ways of working through this process. Each person is different and we all have to find the ways that work best for us. Below you will find a few suggestions, but they are merely suggestions. Be mindful of who you are and how you work and find the way that best suits you.
Meditation/Relaxation
Some people are more right-brained or more conceptual and find self-reflection easier to do solely in their confines of their own minds. They may schedule quiet time and utilize meditation or other relaxation techniques to tune into their inner dialogue and work through the process described above.
Make a List
Other people are more task-oriented, more visually oriented, or may prefer something more concrete and tangible like making a list. If you wish to make a list, divide a piece of paper into four columns as shown below. You may want to start working with just one behavior until you get the hang of the procedure.
|
Behavior |
Motivation |
Method |
Change |
|
Not paying bills on time monthly |
To avoid an unpleasant task Hoping my wife will do it instead if I wait long enough |
I play games on the computer rather than paying the bills |
I will choose not to play games on the computer until the bills are paid each month |
|
Derogatory self talk |
Fear of success Fear of being arrogant if I refer to myself in positive terms Fishing for compliments – calling myself bad names in the hopes someone will correct me and tell me how great I am |
I label myself with derogatory names like “stupid” or “useless” |
I will attend to my internal dialogue, listen for derogatory terms, and replace them with a label that is more accurate. |
Process with a Person
Some people are more verbal and find it much more helpful to work through this process by talking with another person. That person may be a family member, a friend, a mentor, or a therapist.
Whichever method you choose for this process, it is very important to remember how long you have been doing this behavior and allow yourself sufficient time to change it. Also, the more subjective the behavior is the harder it will be to change. Paying the bills is very concrete and tangible. You can easily determine whether you paid the bills or played on the computer. Listening to your internal dialogue, catching each and every time you refer to yourself with a negative label and changing that label is infinitely more difficult. Our minds race along at light speed and being aware of an unconscious process is very tedious and challenging. Be patient with more difficult tasks and allow sufficient time for change. You can change your behaviors and therefore change the way you live your life.