This system of communication has been developing over several decades. Through the years these concepts have become abbreviated into a kind of shorthand that tells the receiver what kind of information is about to follow or how it will be delivered - so they can prepare themselves and/or stop it. I had not previously thought to write about these until I was watching someone tell a family member bad news about their loved one and realized that not everyone has these rules. Here are some of the examples I've thought of so far. I hope you find them helpful.
"She's O.K."
I have sometimes been horrified when watching people tell someone that something serious has happened to their loved one, i.e. telling a parent their child has been in an automobile accident. They start by saying, "Jenny was in a wreck, it was pretty bad, her car has been completely totalled", etc. I would have a heart attack if you said this to me. In the Von Houser clan, we start with the important sentence, "Jenny is O.K." Everything else follows that. This tells the parent that their child is O.K. and prepares them to hear something bad to follow. But they don't have to worry about whether their child died in the wreck while listening to the damage done to the car.
"Enterprise" or "Shields Up" or "Incoming"
The code phrase "Enterprise" or "Sheilds Up" means "put your shields up, I'm about to tell you something you don't want to hear". We also use, "Incoming" to announce that criticism is about to tossed in someone's direction, i.e. "you really were being a jerk the other day". This is not used to attack, but to deliver constructive criticism. This advance notice serves two purposes: 1) it gives the receiver a chance to brace themselves for something unpleasant and 2) it gives the receiver a chance to refuse it if they aren't in a place where they can hear it at this time. If the receiver says they don't want to hear it, we honor that and the conversation is over.
Funny thing, curiosity usually gets the best of humans. Even if we aren't in a place where we can hear it today, we often go back and ask for it later. If the car broke down, the kids are sick, the air conditioning isn't working and we've already had a fight with our boss today, we may not want to hear that we were being a jerk at Mona's party last weekend. But a few days later when things have calmed down and we are in a better place we often come back and ask the sender what they wanted to say to us about our behavior at Mona's party.
"Throwing in a Grenade"
"Throwing in a grenade" goes along with "Enterprise" and is more about what happens after the message is delivered. Most of the people in my family handle criticism better if you deliver it and walk away. If you force them to acknowledge it immediately their defenses go up and they will deflect it. If you deliver the message and walk away it allows them to process what you said without having to defend themselves. Three days later they can then come back to you and acknowledge that they were indeed "being a jerk".
This process of delivery and retreat is not the same as taking an emotional cheapshot at someone and running away. It is only used when you are trying to deliver constructive criticism and want to allow the person to hear you, gracefully, without feeling attacked. Sometimes it is also used as an announcement that negative information is incoming. The person with the message might say, "OK, I'm going to throw in a grenade here, all right?" and wait for permission to continue. The understanding is that after they have said their piece, they will retreat and not demand a confrontation until the receiver is ready to discuss it further. It is left to the receiver to approach the sender and continue the dialogue, if they wish to.
"Swiss Bank Account"
I found this one in a magazine article I read decades ago. It was written by a man who had developed this method for communications between himself and his friends. When one of them hit on a topic that was hurtful to another, the buddy could say, "Swiss bank account. This caused the topic to be stored in a secret account and not mentioned again. It made it off limits. And everyone honored that.
Communication is the glue which holds relationships together and its failure can cause the relationships itself to fail. I hope these "codes" can help your relationships bond a little more tightly. Please feel free to share any "codes" you use in the comments below. The more the merrier!