I Just Got Played by a Narcissist

She started talking to me about how stellar her performance was at a recent social event, obviously fishing for compliments, and I refused to bask in admiration and feed her ego.  The results were dramatic.  She went for the jugular.  Narcissistic rage in action.

I was tired of having to constantly feed her need for attention and admiration and failed to play along - and she went on the attack.  I didn't even realize what happened until it was all over.  We've been interacting this way so long it's automatic.  I had been tap dancing for 15 minutes before I even realized the music is playing.  I've danced to this tune my entire life and only now realizing what is happening.  But I'm learning.  I'm learning.  

It's also interesting to watch female anger or rage.  Since our culture heavily penalizes women for being angry outright, we often resort to nagging, bitching, whining, passive aggression, catty remarks or other covert methods of anger.  This person's reaction to my failure to stroke her ego was to make incendiary catty remarks guaranteed to push my buttons. 

And I allowed it. 

What does a therapist do when they're caught in an destructive behavior pattern?  Listen to my radar.  What was I feeling right before I walked into it?  What were my emotions right before the game began?  I was feeling bored and irritated at being "required" to provide her constant supply of admiration - again.  So I refused to play.  And in doing so, made myself a target for her rage. 

What will I do the next time I feel those feelings when talking to her?

Hmmm, that is a good question.  Confronting the behavior up front will never work.  The narcissist will never admit to what she is doing and this will only provoke another attack.  I also can not control the behavior of another person - only my own.

I think the next time I feel those feelings (which indicate that I'm being used as a source for the Narcisstic Supply) I will bow out of the conversation.  Fortunately, the person is long distance and this usually occurs over the phone.  The result will probably be triangulation (calling other people to tell them how awful, i.e. cold and distant, I'm being to her) but this is becoming less and less effective as other people are becoming aware of the triangulation. 

Yep, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  I must practice what I preach. 

Comments

[Kerri]

I believe that my youngest brother has NPD. Triangulation, manipulation, scapegoating it all works in my family. Everyone in my family has some type of personality disorder, My father is severly OCPD, (I never did anything right EVER according to him)my middle brother is OCPD my mother is passive/aggresive Co-dependent.
My mother enables my two younger brothers disorders to the point where I am made out the bad guy if I say anything, or talk truths about them. But she complains about my Dad! (go figure) The brother that has NPD is somthing else now, He disowned us (me and hubby) because of an electric bill that brother thought we didn't pay, we did pay it. (long story) When we proved it, we shouldn't of even went to the trouble of printing the reciept, because he will never acknowlege he was wrong. and neither will my Mom. I am trying to "cut the ties" but my Mom is making it almost impossible by attempting to make me feel guilty. This all came to surface within the past 2 years after I married the man of my dreams. Finally I am happily married! I just got a new job making alot more money. It's almost as if I am not suppose to be happy. Whenever I am, my family does something to remind me that happiness is a no, no.! how do I walk away from the maddness without my heart suffering?

[Solutions Therapy]

Hi Kerri,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. Breaking away from unhealthy family interactions and learning to setting appropriate boundaries can be really difficult. And your heart may suffer, but it sounds like it already is. Perhaps it could learn to be happier by managing those toxic relationships in a healthier way? What is your husband's family like? If it is healthier than yours, study it. And talk to him. What do they do differently - and how do they do it?

Undoing years, sometimes decades, of unhealthy patterns in a family can require the help of a therapist. Family members can often push our buttons like know one else, because they know us so well. Be patient and ask for help if you need it.

My thoughts are with you.

[Kerri]

My husbands family is great. They are there for him if he needs them but for the most part they keep to themselves except during racing season, then we are together alot at the horse track. (They/we train race horses) I speak to my husband about my family and he is very understanding and supportive. I purchased Dr. Susan Forward's book "Toxic Parents" it is providing some insite for me that is helpful. I have to read through it slowly, putting it down for a few days when I stumble onto topics that stir up emotions. I'm 47 years old and I have always felt that my families behavior wasn't quite right..... but couldn't put my finger on it until a few months ago when I was trying to figure out what my brother's problem was. I stumbled across this site and a few others and everything started making sense. I want to thank you for this web site, and thank you for replying.
Sincerly
Kerri