She started talking to me about how stellar her performance was at a recent social event, obviously fishing for compliments, and I refused to bask in admiration and feed her ego. The results were dramatic. She went for the jugular. Narcissistic rage in action.
I was tired of having to constantly feed her need for attention and admiration and failed to play along - and she went on the attack. I didn't even realize what happened until it was all over. We've been interacting this way so long it's automatic. I had been tap dancing for 15 minutes before I even realized the music is playing. I've danced to this tune my entire life and only now realizing what is happening. But I'm learning. I'm learning.
It's also interesting to watch female anger or rage. Since our culture heavily penalizes women for being angry outright, we often resort to nagging, bitching, whining, passive aggression, catty remarks or other covert methods of anger. This person's reaction to my failure to stroke her ego was to make incendiary catty remarks guaranteed to push my buttons.
And I allowed it.
What does a therapist do when they're caught in an destructive behavior pattern? Listen to my radar. What was I feeling right before I walked into it? What were my emotions right before the game began? I was feeling bored and irritated at being "required" to provide her constant supply of admiration - again. So I refused to play. And in doing so, made myself a target for her rage.
What will I do the next time I feel those feelings when talking to her?
Hmmm, that is a good question. Confronting the behavior up front will never work. The narcissist will never admit to what she is doing and this will only provoke another attack. I also can not control the behavior of another person - only my own.
I think the next time I feel those feelings (which indicate that I'm being used as a source for the Narcisstic Supply) I will bow out of the conversation. Fortunately, the person is long distance and this usually occurs over the phone. The result will probably be triangulation (calling other people to tell them how awful, i.e. cold and distant, I'm being to her) but this is becoming less and less effective as other people are becoming aware of the triangulation.
Yep, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I must practice what I preach.