Often, when walking alone at night scanning the environment for danger, I have had minority males accuse me of being racist. "You thought the Mexican was going to get you, huh?" "You're keeping an eye on the Black guy, hmm?" You bet I am. But not because you're Mexican or Black. Because you're male.
Which is not to say I'm never prejudiced. I am. We all are. But in the situation of walking alone at night your race is not the issue. It's your sex. I'm watching you because you are a man and that alone makes you potentially dangerous. Does this mean I think all men are violent or dangerous? Of course not! It does mean that if a stranger is going to hurt me, the odds are it will probably be a man.
And women are warned their entire lives to be careful and held responsible for not "being careful". I've actually had people ask me what I was doing at the grocery so late? Don't I know how dangerous that is? I have to ask them, don't I have the right to go to the grocery store anytime I like, the same as a guy? Why should I have to hide in the house?
When I first moved to Austin a woman had been kidnapped at a carwash, tortured for several days, then brutally murdered. I actually heard people say, "well, she shouldn't have been out that late by herself". When I was in college there was a rapist in our neighborhood near campus. The women in the area were placed on a curfew. I found it interesting that in Israel when there is a rapist loose the men are put on a curfew. The women shouldn't be penalized for what a man is doing. But in this culture women are held responsible, so you can see why we are wary.
I have also realized that many guys 1) have no idea that women do this or 2) are completely ignorant about things they should and should not do when approaching women who are alone at night. Men have done the most outrageously stupid things when approaching me at night. Several of them came very close to getting maced. And all out of innocence. I fully realize that these guys simply don't know any better, but it doesn't keep me from panicking.
I have never heard this discussed. Especially not across the racial divide. So I hope this article will help shed a little light on what is going through the mind of at least one woman when you meet her late at night.
Example 1:
I'm at the grocery store. A well dressed Black man pulls up in a nice car, gets out and makes a beeline for the grocery store. I can almost hear his thoughts, "milk, bread, diapers; milk, bread, diapers".
I read him as being "a guy getting groceries", assessed him as being no threat and moved on to the next guy. But he does not realize this. As we approach each other he makes eye contact and says politely, "Good evening". Now I'm not a Black male and I welcome input from Black males about this. What I believe he is attempting to do is make me feel safe about him.
This does not work.
I've already written him off as safe and moved on to others. But when he meets my eye and singles me out to talk to me he has brought my attention back to him. I don't care about this "guy getting groceries". And he is distracting me from what I do care about. I need to attend to that guy standing over there scanning the parking lot. What is he looking for? Why is he just hanging out? The guy who is at the grocery store and is not getting groceries. He is the potential danger. What I really need to feel safe is for the "guy getting groceries" to get his groceries and not worry about me. I'm not worried about him.
Example 2:
I'm out walking my dog late at night and a truck screeches up next to me and the driver, a White guy, is yelling at me. I can't understand what he's screaming. I'm looking around for a possible escape route and something to defend myself with. He pulls the truck up next to the curb and continues to follow me in the truck, yelling, as I move away from him. About the time I am in a full panic his wife, from the passenger side, who has not been visible until now, leans around him and says, "We're looking for our dog." She's realized what is happening and is trying to diffuse the situation - too late. Where I would have been very interested in helping them find their dog if they had approached me another way, I could care less about their dog now. I just want to get away from them.
Example 3:
I'm in the parking lot of an apartment complex struggling to get food out of my car for a party I'm attending. The street lights are out and the parking lot is fairly deserted. A Hispanic man starts charging toward me yelling something. He is waving his arms, walking very fast and yelling - at me. As he gets closer I realize he is yelling, "Can I help you?" Then he apparently read my behavior because he responded, "You thought the Mexican was going to get you, huh?" Uh no, I thought the idiot yelling and charging at me was about to get maced.
Example 4:
I wish I could remember the reporter's name, but many years ago a female reporter disguised herself as a man. She wanted to move through the world as a male and see how she was treated. Her disguise was that of a White male in a three piece business suit. Her first stop was the office building where she worked. She parked and got out in the parking garage. She was amazed to find that every woman in the parking garage stopped what they were doing and watched her until she got into the elevator and the doors closed.
Many things in this world are race issues and they are quite serious. But I really believe this particiular instance is not so much a race issue as it is a gender issue. But how can a Black male know whether the discrimination against him is because of his race or his gender? Hopefully this will clear it up.
I know that some women out there are clutching their purses to their chest just because you are Black or Hispanic. There are racists out there. I know this. But not every woman eyeing you warily is doing it out of racism. If you are yelling and charging at her like the Hispanic guy above, it's not your race that's about to get you maced. It's your behavior! But no one tells guys this.
How to Approach a Woman, Alone, at Night
O.K. Some woman in your life should have taught you this, but that rarely happens. So let me give it a go here. These are just a few pointers for how to approach a woman who is alone at night. Ladies, feel free to add your input if I miss something. Gentlemen feel free to ask questions.
1. Stay out of grabbing distance
If you can lunge forward and grab me - you are too close. Move back. If I can't hear what you are saying I will move closer to you. Let me determine how much space feels safe.
2. Do not engage in aggressive behavior
Lunging, charging, waving your arms, screaming, yelling - don't do it.
3. Get to the point
Tell me why you are approaching me - in the first sentence. I've had several men get everything else right, but they start the dialogue with a long introduction. I don't care who you are. I care what you want.
Example of what not to do:
"Hi, my name is Larry. I live in that apartment complex over there. I was wondering..."
TMI (too much information). Why are you telling me your name and where you live??? Get to the point.
Examples of what to say:
"I'm looking for my dog."
"Does the 101 bus come by here?"
"Can you help me with directions?"
This gives me clear information about your intentions and why you are approaching me.
4. Don't get personal
Do not ask me for personal information.
Examples of what not to do:
"Do you live around here?"
"Do you work around here?"
"Is your boyfriend/husband around?"
This will creep most women completely out. If you are trying to chat us up, find some more neutral, safe topic that doesn't involve divulging personal information.
5. Watch your approach
Do not corner me, tower over me or come up behind me unexpectedly. Many women have been abused and these kinds of behaviors can be interpreted as very threatening. Working downtown, homeless folks approach me all the time asking for spare change and I don't give it a second thought. But one man approached me as I sat on the end of the bus bench. He pressed up next to the bench and leaned way over me and talked directly down into my face. My response bordered on rude and I abruptly moved away from him to another bench. Then, another man leaned over that bench into my face to tell me how great it was that I hadn't given the homeless guy any money. He had no idea why he got treated the same way! I brushed him off and moved again.
Avoid intimidating, overpowering moves.
6. If you have identification
If you want to show me a badge or an identification card of some kind and you have a flashlight, shine the light on the badge, not into my eyes.
Example:
Many years ago my mother worked the graveyard shift. As she and a group of women got off work two plainclothes policemen walked toward them to inquire about a robbery that had just occurred and to see if they had witnessed anyone running by. The policemen got it right.
1. They stood far away
2. The presented their badges and identified themselves as policemen
3. They shined their flashlight on themselves and their badges, not in the women's eyes
4. They stated their purpose immediately, in the first sentence
What I'm Scanning For
In case it helps, I've also included things I'm scanning for and how things look to me. Perhaps my assumptions are wrong, but this is honestly what I do. I'd love to hear from other women.
1. What are you doing?
This is probably the most important thing - and most guys don't realize it. A research study showed that women can read body language while most men are unaware of it. Your body language is the most important thing I am watching. It is more important than your skin color, your apparel, what kind of car you are driving or who you are with.
Is your behavior aggressive, loud or violent? Is your behavior consistent with the situation? If your behavior suspicious? The gentleman above who was parking in the grocery store appeared to be getting groceries. Safe. A guy approached me at the bus stop the other night and asked about the bus route. Safe. I'm scanning for behavior inappropriate to the setting. If you are at the grocery store, but not shopping, just standing around, you get my attention.
I work downtown and often go home late at night, so I often encounter street people, drunks and people who are actively psychotic. Even they can be scanned as "safe" depending on this one fact. What are they doing? What is their body language telling me about their intentions? If they are mumbling quietly to themselves and moving away from me there's not much to worry about. If they are engrossed in a conversation with their peers, or in drinking their beer or in quietly sitting there stoned, there's not much to worry about.
Example 1:
A man was screaming psychotically at the top of his lungs and the path he was walking was due to intercept mine. Needless to say, I changed my path and kept a close eye on him. The guy sitting just behind him, leaning against a tree, smoking a joint and talking to a friend received only a cursory glance.
Example 2:
Three guys get out of a car with rims far too big for the car and blasting rap music at a music store. A quick glance reveals do-rags, grills and baggy pants. They are laughing and talking with each other, oblivious to me. Assessment? "Guys going to the music store." Safe. Why? They're going to get music at the music store. Appropriate. They aren't scanning for prey. They aren't being loud, aggressive or violent.
Example 3:
Compare that to a group of young men with T-shirts identifying them as students from the local university. A large group of them came up behind my car, split and walked around it on both sides while I'm stopped at a light. I almost had a heart attack. I was completely surrounded with nowhere to go except into oncoming traffic. And I could not figure out what they thought they were doing. The fact that I could not determine why they were surrounding the car and the fact that I was trapped was what freaked me out.
2. What are you wearing?
Perhaps this is classist, but this is what I do. What are you wearing? Are you clean, dirty or filthy? Clean registers the least concern. But behavior, as mentioned above, totally outranks everything else. You can be dressed in a business suit and driving a Lexus, but if you break any of the rules above you set off my alarms.
And I personally distinguish between dirty and filthy. A construction worker coming from a job may be covered in drywall dust or paint and smell of fresh sweat, but he's dirty, not filthy. Many people doing an honest day's work get honestly dirty. This does not set off my radar. This is completely different from a guy getting on the bus who reeks of layers and layers of old sweat and urine. Keep an eye on him. He may be drunk or psychotic. People who are drunk or psychotic can be very unpredictable.
3. Location
Where are we when you approach me? Is there no other human in sight or are we downtown will lots of other people milling around? If there is no one to hear me scream, please stand even farther back when approaching me. You may not be aware that we are isolated, but you can bet that I am very aware of it.
4. If you are with a woman...
...let her approach me. Not that every woman is safe, but they feel safer to me. I don't care what race, class, religion or creed she is. I would almost universally prefer to talk to any woman than the Whitest of men in a suit and a Lexus. Women speak the same language. We face many of the same dangers. Odds are she knows these rules by heart because she uses them herself. The guy in the truck looking for his dog would have gotten a totally different reaction if he had allowed his wife to lean across and speak to me from the start.
This is just how the world looks through my eyes. I would love to know how it looks to others: women and men.