Scapegoats: Stop Telling the Truth

If you were the scapegoat in your family odds are you replicate that role in your adult relationships.  It is possible to stop this pattern by changing your own behavior. 

You can read the entire series at Scapegoat Role.

(I always advocate strongly for individuals to think for themselves and make their own assessments of who they are and what they need.  If this topic makes sense to you, take it and use it for all it is worth.  If you feel this doesn't apply to you, it doesn't.  Trust that and move on.) 

To stop yourself from replicating the role you have to realize some of the behaviors you employ to cast yourself as the scapegoat. One behavior might be the tendency to be "the truth teller". Scapegoats are often the truth tellers in their families of origin. They say what cannot be said by anyone else. They are the ones who bring the skeletons out of the closet and throw them into the middle of the living room to be confronted. Dad is abusive. Mom is an alcoholic. Whatever the family dysfunction is, they name it and want the family to claim it. But that is not what happens.

A dysfunctional, scapegoating family, confronted with their own transgressions will often redirect all energy toward targeting the scapegoat rather than own their own behavior.  You may not be able to stop your family from scapegoating you, but you can definitely stop yourself from being put in that role in your adult relationships.  If you are scapegoated because you tell the truth, look at that behavior.  It is important for scapegoats to take control of their truth telling in two different ways:

1) Only tell your own truths

Do not speak up for other people.  Be clear whose emotions you are expressing.  Often, in a relationship system, whether it is a family, an office or a group of friends, other people will come to the scapegoat to express their distress about a situation.  They subconsciously try to lure the scapegoat into picking up his sword and shield and fighting their battle for them.  This is often done as "let's go say something to the boss about this" or "we need to talk to Mom about her drinking".  Ahem.  You know this game.  Somehow "we" becomes "you".  You go talk to Mom.  If you tell Mom that the family is upset about her drinking and she goes to the others and asks them about it, they often will claim they have no idea what she is talking about.  Now you and Mom are fighting about how you feel about her drinking.  And the person who is really worried about her drinking is nowhere in the room.

It's important that you stop fighting battles for other people.  If someone is talking to you about a situation that is upsetting (they won't say upsetting them, it's just universally upsetting) and they are asking you to join them in confronting the situation, stop.  Step back.  Breathe.  Check yourself.  How did you feel about the situation before the person started talking to you?  If you were O.K. with it, then it was O.K. with you.  You are not upset about it.  They are.   Get your original emotions back and back away from the other person's emotions.  Hand them back to the person who brought them to you.  You can verbally do this by saying something like, "If this is really upsetting you so much, why don't you talk to Mom about it yourself?"  Eliminate the triangle of them, you and Mom.  Direct it back to one to one communication:  you (the person who has the emotions) talk to Mom (the person with whom they are upset). 

2)  Choose the truths you tell

What happens when you are the one who is upset?  Must you always speak every truth that exists?

Scapegoats often have the belief that it is their job to tell the truth, every truth, every time.  And they are right.  It is their job.  But I thought you wanted to resign from this job.  If you want to resign as scapegoat you will have to resign your job duties.  World Truth Teller will have to go.  Hanging onto the belief that it is your duty to tell all truths you see leaves you powerless and at the mercy of everyone else who does not feel this need.  Other people who don't feel the need to speak every truth have a much more peaceful and pleasant life. 

I am not advocating that you scapegoat someone else.  I'm not suggesting that you take your emotions and put them on some other scapegoat to speak for you.  No, no, no.  I'm simply suggesting that you make choices about which truths you speak. 

Example:

Let's say you work with someone who is coming to work drunk everyday.  Ask yourself some questions:

1.  Is it hurting you? 
2.  Is their drunkenness endangering anyone?  (Are they an airline pilot or a bookkeeper?)
3.  Are they riding the bus and not driving to work? 
4.  What would be the purpose of pointing out the drunkenness?
5.  How would you go about telling this truth?

Questions 1-3 are about the need for speaking this truth.  Is it really a concern or just a character flaw?  We all have them.  Perhaps it's best to let this person have theirs.

Question 4 is a big one.  If you just want to feel self righteous or "right" you may be truth telling as a way of scapegoating someone else.  This is your family pattern so it is important to be aware of it.  You certainly wouldn't want to turn it on anyone else.  Pointing out someone else's flaws is a way of making yourself look better, at least that's the idea.  If you do it excessively you might look more like a complainer, a snitch or a poor team player.  Examine your motives carefully.  It is better to save your truth telling for things that really matter to you.  If you are constantly complaining, people stop listening.  If you always go along when things don't really matter to you, when you do have a problem people will be more receptive.

Question 5 also examines motivation.  Do you want to quietly let the person know that you can smell alcohol on them?  (I almost typed "everyone"!  See how hard these patterns are to break???  Beware of bringing truths from "everyone".  They are almost always from "everyone" except you!)  If the person has asked you about this, it might be appropriate.  If it is putting their job at risk, it might be appropriate.  But if you just want to let them know that you know, perhaps you are just on your high horse and wanting to feel superior.  If you want to tell their supervisor about it, check yourself twice.  This is where most scapegoating patterns lead.  Many scapegoats have a tendency to be perfectionistic and hypercritical.  Take this into account before telling any "truths". 

Comments

[sleeping tiger]

I had experienced the scapegoat role and think I have developed the ability to treat everything as rolling off a duck's back.

I had such a traumatic experience with being the scapegoat that I know how to play the ropes. The abusers will never tell the truth; they have learned impressive skill at getting around it- like chalking it up to my anger and not their weakness.

In my experience the abuse was incredibly disarming because it wasn't that I tossed the truth in the middle of a family re-union but in the form of an emotional crisis. My mother didn't even have to hear the words or the truth, to run to her devices, "it's all her fault anyway."

No finger of blame pointed at her. Just an asking for help. This resulted in being beaten by an older sibling, and my abuser playing the role of "cleaner"- tell everyone I'm just a bad kid. Tell the teachers I stole the text books, and make this minor slight a major offense. Tell everyone I just want sympathy and feel sorry for myself. Cover up all tracks.

It was sort of shocking how far my abuser went to point out my "evils." It was like being stalked. All the teachers were pre-warned on what I might say. Everyone was pre-warned of my promiscuity. Everyone was to expect I was nothing but a thief and a liar. A runaway.

I can remember being 25 and being stalked by my mother. It was bizzarre. I think she was trying to say I was cheating on my boyfriend. It was the paranoid psychotic accusation. I was always horrible, even if the truth I was telling was no skeleton, just a simple fact of how I went about my day. I drove to work. Ate. Went to school. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I know all her manipulations alright. Since she stopped drinking, she stopped being crazy. Still a nut, but I do have friends I confide in who are a big help. And I write.

[Janice]

This is so great. It is a real tool to help break the cycle. Thank you.

[Kellen]

Hi Janice,

Im pleased you found it useful. Im finding this topic to be very important to more people than I expected.

Peace,

Kellen

[Kellen]

Hi Sleeping,

Oh, isnt that the truth?! I think of anger as a self defense mechanism. Its what makes us stand up and say, Hey! You cant treat me that way! When you take away someones anger, you take away their ability to defend themselves. Therefore, it must be eliminated and maligned. Anger is especially intolerable in women and scapegoats. If your mother had let you get angry, you might get angry with HER.

Its so common for dysfunctional parents to cast their children in the role as the identified patient, bringing them into therapy to get them fixed, that I am always extremely suspicious of it. When a parent wants to drop off a child to be fixed because they are stealing, promiscuous, using drugs, etc. I immediately want to talk to the parents, not the child.

Im also amazed at how far the scapegoat legend can travel.Inlaws who havenever even met you will know all about how you are and will expect you to play that part. Because they have been told all about you and you have been cast in that role by family members.

Im pleased to hear that you have friends and an outlet (writing) for expressing who you really are.

Peace,

Kellen

[Sugar]

WOW I WOULD OF THOUGHT YOU WERE IN MY HEAD/LIFE EVERY SINGLE WORD WAS ON POINT...THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IT WAS SO REAL I HAD TO LAFF ON SOME OF THE PARTS FOR THINKING I WAS I MEAN YOU WERE CRAZY FOR RELATING TO MY SITUATION....THANKS FROM ALL I READ THIS IS DEEP!!!!! AND LAFFTER IS THE MEDICINE FOR PPL LIKE YOU ;)

[Kellen]

Hi Sugar,

Im pleased you found the article to be on target. Thank you for your feedback.

Peace,

Kellen

[Vale]

I am a 'recovering scapegoat' and this post has made more sense to me than the last 3 years of my life!! :) Great info - thanks!

[desiree]

wow its so awesome to hear im not alone and not crazy!.However i want to ask you how you get out of the role even if you stop telling the truth about things your family does not care !they want you to play the role it is your job after all.how do you find the strength to get out of your unwanted job if your family is sabotaging all your efforts to break away such as telling your boss all your personal life and getting you fired from your job ,calling you names ,using anything and everything they can to keep u in this role ?.Also is there hope ?especially when you find yourself playing that very same role with other people you come in contact with.I feel trapped cause like the saying goes wherever i go there i am and how to you shake of this role when others have almost imprinted into the very deeps of who you are.i know you are all are going through or have gone through it but i am one tired scapegoat and i don't know how much more i can take !!!!

[Neon.Tango]

Ah, so you've successfully scapegoated the scapegoat. Now explain how your theory would have prevented the holocaust. What lengths won't some people go to blame the victim?

[ms t]

I'd like to know why truth is so important to scapegoats.
I need to know truth--and it has effected so many things in my life. I am so careful to not misrepresent things it can almost paralzye me in my work. I upset a lot of applecarts in my family I'm sure. But how do you not care about what is really happening?