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« Dueling Divorcees and Christmas Cheer | Main | "Do You Know What I Mean?" »

December 29, 2009

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I had experienced the scapegoat role and think I have developed the ability to treat everything as rolling off a duck's back.

I had such a traumatic experience with being the scapegoat that I know how to play the ropes. The abusers will never tell the truth; they have learned impressive skill at getting around it- like chalking it up to my anger and not their weakness.

In my experience the abuse was incredibly disarming because it wasn't that I tossed the truth in the middle of a family re-union but in the form of an emotional crisis. My mother didn't even have to hear the words or the truth, to run to her devices, "it's all her fault anyway."

No finger of blame pointed at her. Just an asking for help. This resulted in being beaten by an older sibling, and my abuser playing the role of "cleaner"- tell everyone I'm just a bad kid. Tell the teachers I stole the text books, and make this minor slight a major offense. Tell everyone I just want sympathy and feel sorry for myself. Cover up all tracks.

It was sort of shocking how far my abuser went to point out my "evils." It was like being stalked. All the teachers were pre-warned on what I might say. Everyone was pre-warned of my promiscuity. Everyone was to expect I was nothing but a thief and a liar. A runaway.

I can remember being 25 and being stalked by my mother. It was bizzarre. I think she was trying to say I was cheating on my boyfriend. It was the paranoid psychotic accusation. I was always horrible, even if the truth I was telling was no skeleton, just a simple fact of how I went about my day. I drove to work. Ate. Went to school. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I know all her manipulations alright. Since she stopped drinking, she stopped being crazy. Still a nut, but I do have friends I confide in who are a big help. And I write.

This is so great. It is a real tool to help break the cycle. Thank you.

Hi Janice,

Im pleased you found it useful. Im finding this topic to be very important to more people than I expected.

Peace,

Kellen

Hi Sleeping,

Oh, isnt that the truth?! I think of anger as a self defense mechanism. Its what makes us stand up and say, Hey! You cant treat me that way! When you take away someones anger, you take away their ability to defend themselves. Therefore, it must be eliminated and maligned. Anger is especially intolerable in women and scapegoats. If your mother had let you get angry, you might get angry with HER.

Its so common for dysfunctional parents to cast their children in the role as the identified patient, bringing them into therapy to get them fixed, that I am always extremely suspicious of it. When a parent wants to drop off a child to be fixed because they are stealing, promiscuous, using drugs, etc. I immediately want to talk to the parents, not the child.

Im also amazed at how far the scapegoat legend can travel.Inlaws who havenever even met you will know all about how you are and will expect you to play that part. Because they have been told all about you and you have been cast in that role by family members.

Im pleased to hear that you have friends and an outlet (writing) for expressing who you really are.

Peace,

Kellen

WOW I WOULD OF THOUGHT YOU WERE IN MY HEAD/LIFE EVERY SINGLE WORD WAS ON POINT...THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IT WAS SO REAL I HAD TO LAFF ON SOME OF THE PARTS FOR THINKING I WAS I MEAN YOU WERE CRAZY FOR RELATING TO MY SITUATION....THANKS FROM ALL I READ THIS IS DEEP!!!!! AND LAFFTER IS THE MEDICINE FOR PPL LIKE YOU ;)

Hi Sugar,

Im pleased you found the article to be on target. Thank you for your feedback.

Peace,

Kellen

I am a 'recovering scapegoat' and this post has made more sense to me than the last 3 years of my life!! :) Great info - thanks!

wow its so awesome to hear im not alone and not crazy!.However i want to ask you how you get out of the role even if you stop telling the truth about things your family does not care !they want you to play the role it is your job after all.how do you find the strength to get out of your unwanted job if your family is sabotaging all your efforts to break away such as telling your boss all your personal life and getting you fired from your job ,calling you names ,using anything and everything they can to keep u in this role ?.Also is there hope ?especially when you find yourself playing that very same role with other people you come in contact with.I feel trapped cause like the saying goes wherever i go there i am and how to you shake of this role when others have almost imprinted into the very deeps of who you are.i know you are all are going through or have gone through it but i am one tired scapegoat and i don't know how much more i can take !!!!

Ah, so you've successfully scapegoated the scapegoat. Now explain how your theory would have prevented the holocaust. What lengths won't some people go to blame the victim?

I'd like to know why truth is so important to scapegoats.
I need to know truth--and it has effected so many things in my life. I am so careful to not misrepresent things it can almost paralzye me in my work. I upset a lot of applecarts in my family I'm sure. But how do you not care about what is really happening?

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