Working in a homeless shelter, I work with a lot of clients who came from very dysfunctional and chaotic family systems. One man grew up in such a family and overcame it by joining the military. How did that help?
It did. Most of his siblings are heavily bogged down with substance abuse, sexual abuse, pedophilia and other dysfunctional patterns they inherited from their family of origin. The brother who joined the military is not without dysfunction, but by comparison he is doing quite well. He has now retired from the military and is living on his military pension. He owns his own home and his children are doing quite well. His personal relationships are somewhat enabling and dysfunctional, but compared to his siblings, well, there is no comparison.
What are the factors the military provided which helped stop some of the family dysfunction from being passed down to this man's children? Something I harp on constantly: structure.
In his family of origin there was absolutely no structure. The rules of discipline were highly dependent on how sober or moody mom or dad was that day. If dad was sober you might not get a beating, but if mom was having a bad day you might. No matter how hard the children worked, how clean they kept the house, how well they took care of their siblilngs or how well they behaved they might still get a serious beating - or molested. Their mistreatment was totally unrelated to their behavior. There was no way to succeed. No way to figure it out. No way to avoid abuse. No way to win at this game.
By contrast, the military's rules may be bureaucratic, but they are clear and consistent. Promotions are based on your performance. The rules for success are clearly stated and written down ad nauseum. What a nirvana for this young man! If he followed the rules he would succeed. All his hard work that had met with nothing but abuse in his family now paid off. Needless to say he thrived in the military, and loved its predictability.
Naturally, the military is not an ideal system. But coming from the heavily abusive and chaotic family he did, the military's structure and consistency taught him discipline and rewarded his hard work. His view of himself changed over the years as he watched himself become a success, get promoted and earn the respect of his subordinates (something he was never able to do with his family). Now he can use the skills he learned in the military to change his interactions with his family.
The home he created for himself and his family is not fraught with physical or sexual abuse. There is no substance abuse. Rules about what to do to succeed are clear and consistent. The structure and discipline given to him by the military are passed along to his children. They live in a world that is consistent and sane as a result. They know what to do to succeed. Good grades are rewarded consistently. Keeping your room clean is rewarded consistently. They know what to expect from their father. Their world is not chaotic and abusive. They know what to expect from their mother, and her behavior does not change dramatically from day to day. Both parents are solid and sane and reasonable.
Granted, the military is no nirvana for everyone. And it is certainly no haven of safety right now. But the structure and consistency of the system can be a godsend for someone coming from a highly volatile and violent family.
But you may not need to join the military to benefit from its lessons. If you come from a chaotic, haphazard family system and are having trouble raising a family of your own, try incorporating more structure into your life. Make a morning ritual that you and the children do everyday. Make a bedtime ritual that the children do every night before going to sleep. One of my clients called this, "being a Nazi mom" but tried it out of desperation. It worked! Her "ADHD" son calmed and his schoolwork improved. He was more focused and able to control his behavior. He learned perserverance and frustration tolerance. Structure is calming and comforting for both adults who survived a chaotic or traumatic childhood and their children.