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I fell upon your thread by searching why people are defensive, my example is today i was cleaning the bedroom and pulled out the draws, I found 3 envelopes stashed with Money, (My husband ) I knew there was a little there recently as he told me, but theres double now, when he came upt to the room he saw the envelopes on the bed and i said in a nice tone " have you got another job " his reaction was very defensive and he stormed off to the gym, if i had been asked the same question i would have answered in a polite manner and explained why.. My concerns are 10 years ago I saw him take some money out of my purse without asking, so now because of this i feel perhaps he has been doing this for a while and stashed the money away due to his defensive reaction when I asked him, can you help ? thankyou

Hi Deborah,

Since I'm not there and didn't see it, I'm afraid I can't. It definitely sounds like you hit a nerve, but without speaking to both of you and hearing both sides I cannot tell what happened. I hope the two of you are able to discuss this and find out what is going on.

thank you, good post

You're very welcome.

Dear Kellyvision
Great article.
I have been recently labeled as defensive and have been trying to read up on it.

Recently at my workplace review I was told I was defensive in an instance and i was really shocked as this hasn't happened anywhere else i worked.

Other areas of my work has been criticized by someone who didn't work with me but in contrast during the year I got good reviews a job in these areas by my manager but he left the business and I got reviewed by the person who didn't work with me much based on my former managers notes. So I am thinking this was unfair or misleading but since this is work I feel like i have no recourse because any reason to 'explain' would be seen as being defensive and not admitting wrong!? I think the situations were overblown and I was unfairly treated. This brought me to your article...

You said that this may come out as part of feeling unsafe or threatened. I think that this may be my issue. There were many circumstances that lead up to me feeling this way (one reason being the above) even today. And it's the only place I have worked that I feel this way. But I tried to keep positive and hard working but to no avail.

You also noted that the other individual should look at their behaviour - which I think it the scenario is not being done. but it 's work not a personal encounter and I certainly don't know how to address this without looking defensive!
I know this post is a bit disjointed but any thoughts?
...Anita (being defensive?)

Anita:I am going through the same thing right now. I feel that I am being unfairly judged on performance (as there are many things that point to me doing a great job) but if I attempt to say that I think this may be incorrect, then I am accused of being defensive. I have never had this issue at other jobs. Very frustrating and I do fear losing my position because of it.
Any help would be much appreciated.

Thank you, this was a great help. My partner is defensive and am looking for ways to handle it better.

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