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You know, this was actually a problem I had with certain therapists I've had. There's this idea that you are "bad" if you choose to date a man with faults, addiction, low income, bad career, unfinished college degree, mental illness, bad family history etc. And yet you are also unrealistic if you look for a man with all of your desired traits. I haven't finished my college degree, I've experienced plenty of trauma, had plenty of family issues, don't have a great career and am very low income. I don't have any addiction (ok not to drugs/alcahol etc; I certainly have bad habits! Like.. coffee! Delaying my chores.. naughty things like that ) So what are the chances that I would ever in a million years relate to some successful executive who has a masters in business and had a healthy happy highschool life with lot's of friends and success and a kind loving family, and a fulfilling social life?

I mean really, such a man sounds awful to me, I would never relate and I would feel really out of place even if such a person wanted to date me (haha). Not to say it couldn't happen, love I think can happen where you least expect it, but to expect me to be holding out for someone like that is just silly. Obviously I don't want to date anyone who uses drugs, is an alcoholic, or is hurtful or unable to love. (Done that.) But I also think it's understandable that would have dated people who I can relate to. I've dealt with mental illness, so why would be judgmental of others who have? I've had alcoholics and drug addiction in my family, why would I judge that? (Key note to self: my family members have all recovered...don't date active alcoholics silly!)

And with the self esteem issues, I tend to self-identify with people who have more issues than I do (also a self esteem booster because you feel more functional right? Plus I have the savior thing... etc etc a bazillion reasons)

The reality to me? Therapists don't know who I should date. (And I don't really know IF I should date... )

This has been an enlightening epiphany. lol : )

Hi Rox,

Woo hoo! Congratulations on the epiphany! Good for you. It sounds like you found your own true answer. Therapists dont know who you should, or if you should date. They should only be helping you to see clearly so that you can figure that out for yourself. But it seems like you just did that for yourself. Nice job!

Kellen


The problem is not that we hold out for a hero. The problem is in our definition of what a hero is. There are too many people who watch too much TV and see too many movies. Let's see, what's the word? Ah yes... discernment.

In addition the external aspects of my environment, let us say for example that I grew up in substance-abusing, violent family in which nobody graduated high school nor can anyone put together an intelligible sentence does not dictate with whom I am compatible. Just because I am institutionally uneducated does not mean that I am not loaded with smarts and potential and cannot ever hope to relate to somebody who is Harvard educated. I might not be able to identify with his past socially and financially highbrow upbringing but that does not exclude the possibility that we are in fact intellectually and emotionally compatible.

I would emphatically state that we SHOULD hold out for a hero. But first... get a handle on what a real hero looks like.


Hi jss,

Once again you make some very lucid observations. I love the word you use, discernment, as long as we use that discernment to find a realhero, one who is not a rescuer.I see too many women waiting for someone to rescue them instead of standing on their own two feet and this makes them extremely vulnerable and always in a one down position.

Great feedback, as always.

Peace,

Kellen

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