TherapyDoc has a wonderful article on the emotions she is going through after the loss of her father. She beautifully describes the process of being caught off guard by yet another wave of grief, weeks after the initial loss. She writes,
"You get a break and it comes back. You're surprised every time."
In our culture we seem to think you should stop grieving when the funeral is over, but that is not how it works. Two months later you can be walking down the street with your mind on a million other things when you encounter something which reminds you of your loss. And you cry. This can go on for a long time. Clients often me ask me what to "do" about it. Do? Nothing. Just cry. You're sad. You cry.
Clients also ask how long grief should last. Some ask for themselves. Some ask for loved ones who are grieving. "Shouldn't they be over it now? It's been three months." But they aren't over it. And every case is different. There is no time limit for grief. If you had a really good relationship with the person you lost, you knew they were dying, and you had some time to say goodbye and come to terms with it, the grief may be less complicated. If the death was sudden and issues were left unresolved the grief may be more complicated. Losing a child is quite different from losing an elderly grandmother. Grief is unique to every person and to every situation.
And what do you do for someone who is grieving? Let them. So many people pat them on the back and try to hush them, telling them it is "O.K.". But it's not O.K.. It hurts. And a lot of people are uncomfortable seeing someone else in pain. Or they are uncomfortable with emotions. So they try to hush them up. They don't mean to be unkind or unsympathetic. They think they are helping.
So what do you do instead? How do you help someone stop the hurt? You don't. It hurts. Let it. Let them cry or rage or talk or stare into space. Ask them what they need. Ask them how you can help. Listen. Let them talk. Let them say the things no one else will let them say. They may need to say it over and over again. That's O.K. And it's O.K. not to know how to respond. It's more important to listen than to have all the answers.