Saviors and Warriors

I watched a social worker trying to "save" a woman from a domestic violence situation.  It was disturbing to say the least.

The social worker announced that she had decided it was time for this woman to leave her husband.  She then decided when the husband returned to the outpatient clinic to pick up his wife he should be told that his wife would not be returning home with him.  She decided where the woman was going to go (a domestic violence shelter) and who her children would stay with.  She then rallied the other workers at the clinic to block the husband from coming into the clinic, pick up the woman's children from school, deliver them to the relative who would keep them and transport the woman to the shelter.  And they did!

Notice that at no point in this plan did she say what the woman wanted. 

I see this a lot in social work, but it seems most prevalent in domestic violence situations.  In their attempts to "save" the "poor" woman her saviors exert the same kind of control and power over her that her abuser does. 

For those who are new to the idea of domestic violence, the violence does not usually start with a physically violent act.  It usually starts with words, beliefs and emotions.  Words like, "Stupid" and "Ugly" and "Loser".  Beliefs such as minimizing, "I only hit you once" or blaming, "You make me so mad I can't help it".  Emotions such as guilt and shame which are used to manipulate.  It starts not with violence, but with power and control.  The abuser decides who the victim should be allowed to talk to, where the victim is allowed to go and what the victim is allowed to do.  The abuser may even decide what the victim should wear or what they can say.  It starts with mind games.  "That didn't happen, you're just crazy." "If you leave me I'll take the kids and you'll never see them again."  "If we break up you'll never find anyone else like me.  You'll die alone." 

And I am very carefully avoiding the use of gender specific pronouns for a reason.  Men can be abused by women just as women can be abused by men.

And it is my humble opinion that the most "violent" part of the abuse may be the mental abuse, not the physical abuse.  The physical abuse can be brutal, up to and including murder.  But it is also the easiest to see.  When I worked with people struggling with Schizophrenia I often talked to them about their illness and its comparison with a physical disability.  Many felt that it might be easier to have a physical disability because it would be easier for other people to see and understand.  I think the same can be said of mental abuse.  People see and understand bruises and broken bones.  But understanding how completely an abuser can get inside the mind of the victim and totally lay waste to their sense of self is hard to comprehend.  The abuser can cause the victim to lose all, and I mean all, faith in their own ability to think or act for themselves.  It totally destroys their self confidence, their independence, their intelligence and their strength. 

Therefore, "helping" the victim of abuse has to be an act of empowering them to regain and reclaim all of their capabilities.  It is not an act of saving them.  Saving people makes us feel good.  It allows us to play the hero and to look good in front of others.  But it infantilizes the person we are saving, rather we are treating them as infants who are unable to think or act on their own behalf. 

If you really want to help someone, help them help themselves.  Empower them to think for themselves, to fight for themselves, to act for themselves to feel their own feelings and to trust their own instincts.

These are the first things an abuser takes away.