Though the holidays are supposed to be a time for family, for celebrating and for taking a break from work, they can sometimes have the opposite effect. Old family battles can be resurrected, celebrations can become calamities and the rest we hoped to get dissolves into a flurry of shopping, planning, packing and partying. Maintaining your own peace of mind during the holiday season can be especially challenging. Here are some ideas to reduce your holiday stressors:
Know Your Limits
Some people may be able to attend three parties in one day, but most of find that a bit over the top. Extroverts find a lot of parties exhilirating. Introverts find them tiring. Knowing which one you are and how a full holiday schedule can affect you is important.
Likewise, most of us go to family gatherings with excited anticipation of seeing everyone again and we believe two weeks will not be enough time, but often find that by the end of two weeks excited anticipation has turned into murderous intent. There is an old saying, "fish and visitors both smell after 3 days". Try staying a shorter amount of time and see if everyone can still leave on good terms. Remember past holidays and try to determine at what point overload occurred. Schedule this holiday's activities more selectively.
The holidays are a time for excess in other things as well. Food and drink flow freely, as does money. Know your limits and try to stay within them.
Communicate Your Needs
Staying within your limits can be especially tricky if you are in a relationship. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. An extrovert may love to go to parties and find them invigorating. If their partner is an introvert (and they usually are) who finds parties tiring this could present a conflict. Tightwads vs. Spendthrifts, Guzzlers vs. Teetotalers, Big Eaters vs. Dieters, Partiers vs. Homebodies, the potential for conflict is huge. After you've determined your limits, sit down with your partner or your family and negotiate a compromise.
Make Choices
We often feel we "have to" do things which we really don't. There are very few things in life we "have to" do. We may "have to" lose someone we love, endure a divorce or lose a job. But if we really think about it, we don't "have to" go home for the holidays. Perhaps we "should". Or perhaps we do, to keep the peace. But we don't have to. We don't "have to" attend the office Christmas party. It might threaten our job security if we don't, so we may choose to go to maintain our job stability, but we don't have to. And some things are even less serious. We don't have to attend every Christmas party to which we are invited. We don't have to attend every Christmas play or event at our child's school. We probably don't have to buy everyone on our gift list a present. Need to, should, want to, perhaps. But have to? Feeling we have to do so many things can cause us to run ourselves ragged and totally deny ourselves the very spirit of the holiday season. Make conscious choices about what you do, where you go, how much spend and who you spend time with.
Plan Ahead
When going home for the holidays, planning how to avoid past disasters can divert future disasters. Most of us know the things our families do which push our buttons. To the best of your ability, plan what you will do if things start to get out of hand or testy. If you know that Uncle Joe always gets drunk and starts a fight over the holiday meal plan ahead what you will do. Do you need to simply step out of the room until it's over? Or do you need to leave the house all together? Having a plan keeps you from feeling powerless and at the mercy of other people. It also allows you to prepare ahead of time. You keep the keys to the car in your pocket instead of buried under a pile of coats in the bedroom. You bring your own car instead of traveling with someone else. You have a stash of cash so you don't get stranded without money. You rent a hotel room instead of staying in the family home so you have some place to escape to.
Maintain Your Self Care
If you jog, take your shoes and MP3 player. If you draw, take your sketch pad. Pack your book, your yoga mat, your meditation disc, some healthy snacks, whatever you usually do to keep yourself healthy. Don't let them lapse just because you are away from home.
Stay Connected
And take your phone! Know which friends can be your 911 service. Call them when things get rough and you need a reality check.
Walk Away
Walk away when things get heated, scary or uncomfortable. In some families you can go to another room and they will honor those boundaries. Some families won't. Or some family members won't. (I have one family member who will actually follow you to the bathroom and yell through the door to continue a conversation!) If your family won't respect boundaries, walk away. Volunteer to walk the dog. Go for a walk. Volunteer to run to the grocery store for last minute items. Excuse yourself to go the drugstore to pick up personal items you forgot. Making up an excuse ahead of time will prevent you having to invent things on the fly. Know where your "out" is. Once removed from the scene, take your time, go slow and breathe. Take some additional time to stop at a park or some isolated place and catch your breath. Make sure what you volunteer to do actually helps you and doesn't add to the stress.
Eliminate Obligatory Gifting
My dentist and I were talking the other day and he enjoys Thanksgiving more than Christmas because it has preserved more of the original intent - to come together with family and friends. His family has stopped gifting the adults. They only buy presents for the children. A lot of people are eliminating gifting all together. I've done this and it is such a relief! None of that hustle and bustle all over town to make sure I have everyone "covered". No buying things I can't afford which people don't really want. No receiving things you have no idea what to do with. The first year I announced I wouldn't be doing gifts people didn't believe me. It was tough. They continued buying presents. But I held my ground and did not return the favor. The second year? No gifts. I was out of the loop.
BYOS
Bring Your Own Stuff. If you are on a special diet or trying to protect your sobriety the dietary excesses of the holidays can be especially trying. If you have family members who try to sabotage your diet, bring your own food. (I have actually seen a family where some members lie to the diabetic person about whether there is sugar in a dish or not. Really.) Don't allow your health to be sabotaged.
If you are on a special diet, you don't have to explain why you are on the diet. You don't have to explain THAT you are on a diet. Just be sure there is something there for you to eat by bringing it yourself. People who work out often pack protein bars. Bring your Weight Watchers snacks or prepare a healthy vegan dish for the holiday meal. When I go to parties I often bring a veggie or fruit tray so I know I'll have something healthy to nosh on. If you are newly sober and worry about familial drinking or drugs, bring your own alcohol free beer or wine if these are not a trigger for you. If you have a healthy drink you have learned to mix, bring the ingredients and the mixer. Prepare ahead to meet your own needs.
Set Boundaries
If, in the past, things have tended to get out of hand after a few hours at the family dinner table, set a time limit. "I can only stay for 2 hours, then I have to (fill in the blank)." Then do it.
Just Say "No"
Learn to say "No". Say "No" to anything that is uncomfortable or unhealthy. "No, I don't believe I'll do cocaine with you", "No I don't want to hug you Uncle Fred", "No, I don't want to talk about that Aunt Martha", "No". Saying "No" can be really hard and can have serious ramifications in a family. People may get "offended", try to guilt you or try to apply pressure. Pick your battles carefully, very carefully. Have some back up (keep the phone number of a good friend to call for support). Then stand your ground. It can be difficult but it can greatly enhance your self esteem and set a precedent for next year. If the heat gets too bad have an escape route planned to make a graceful exit.
Refuse to Engage
If drama is the mainstay of your family gatherings, refuse to engage. When Mom starts telling you how badly Sister is treating her - in front of Sister - and you know this usually starts a fight, refuse to engage. Refuse to participate. Leave if you can. I use the metaphor of a football game and imagine that the players are beckoning me onto the field of battle. I then imagine I'm in the bleachers watching from afar. This has been really effective when Player 1 comes to me to complain about Player 2. "Really?" I answer. They go on and on and I listen, but don't join in. I don't join them verbally. I don't join them emotionally. Traditionally I would get outraged about the "horrible" behavior of Player 2 and feel the need to go confront them about how badly they are acting (a typical Scapegoat move). Now I try to separate and stay on the bleachers. I may even tell Player 1 that's what I'm doing, "Hey, I'm staying on the bleachers for this one. You need to talk to Player 2 about that."
Do a Reality Check
With the situation above I find it really helpful, when I'm getting upset about something, to ask myself how I felt about it before Player 1 talked to me. I often find that I hadn't even noticed or cared about Player 2's behavior until Player 1 started talking to me about it. If that's the case, I then know that I'm not upset on my behalf, I'm carrying Player 1's emotions for them. And I check myself. I get away from Player 1's input so I can breathe, refocus and get back in touch with my attitudes and my feelings.
You can also use other people to do a reality check. Have family or friends whose opinions are sane and reasonable. Ask them, "did you see that? What did you make of it?" "Did that seem (fill in the blank) to you?" You might find that there's nothing wrong with your perception. And that everyone else in the room is having the same reaction.
Monkey See, Monkey Do
This is usually a bad thing, but can be used for good. It depends upon the monkey you choose to emulate. Who in the family seems to navigate holidays with grace? Who manages to stay out of the fray? Who seems to avoid the drama? Be careful. Player 1 may avoid the drama because they play, "Let's You and Him Fight". They engage Player 3 to take on Player 2 as I described above. If this is how the person maintains their grace, by instigating battles between others, this is not the behavior to emulate. Find someone who truly manages to stay sane. Then have a discussion with them about how they do it.
I once worked with a colleague who could turn any "awful" situation the boss created into something positive. She was usually cheerful and happy and usually managed to avoid office politics, etc. So I asked her how she did it. She was flattered that I asked and gave me all kinds of good advice. I would also go to her when people in the office were incensed about something and she wasn't. I would ask how for her viewpoint on the situation. This would help me understand the line of thinking she used to stay out of the fray. The same strategy can work with family members who perpetually avoid the drama. How do they do it? What do they do when Player 1 comes to them with complaints? How do they handle Uncle Joe's drunken verbal assaults?
Conclusion
Whatever challenges you face during the holidays; think for yourself, make your own choices and plan ahead. The holidays can be a wonderful time for sharing with family and friends and strengthening our relationships. But they can also be trying if we don't own that we are not the characters in a Norman Rockwell painting. We are fallible and human and have limitations.
Take care of yourself, love each other and have a safe and wonderful holiday!