I always hate it when therapists blindly recommend that someone just, "open up and let people know how you feel and what your needs are", or some facsimile. That's not always possible, or advisable. Sometimes it's better to Flip the Script.
Before opening up to someone, you have to know who you are talking to, what the context is and how emotionally safe that person is.
It's almost impossible to do this with someone in authority over you. They usually don't care how you feel about something, they just want the job done.
Some people will use what you share against you, to manipulate or bully you.
And some people just won't care.
So what do you do to get across to someone how they are affecting you?
Flip the Script
I recently had a client who worked with someone who was, in the client's words, "patronizing and dismissive". Remember those two words. The client, let's call him Jaime, worked with a colleague, let's call her Jane. Whenever Jaime tried to tell Jane about something which was a problem for him, Jane would listen to him, yet ignore what he was saying. She just kept on doing what had been causing him a problem. After a few months of continuing to tell Jane this caused a problem, and Jane continuing to be cheerful and agreeable, yet changing nothing, Jaime would eventually explode. Jane would then acknowledge what he was saying, express concern that it truly was a problem, smile, nod, wholeheartedly agree and lead Jaime to believe that she had heard and understood him and intended to change what she was doing. But she didn't. She kept doing what she was doing. Meanwhile, Jaime felt really awful for having exploded, yet continued to be frustrated by the problem Jane's behavior was causing.
After a few months of counseling, Jaime took to heart what I had been telling him, "You cannot change the behavior of other people, only your own". And he realized two things. First, he began to realize that he had to explode before Jane would hear him. Second, he realized her "patronizing and dismissive" responses to his concerns. But what to do about it?
Then it happened. Jane had a problem with something Jaime was doing. To pour salt into the wound, she was complaining about the way Jaime was doing a job which was actually Jane's responsibility. Jaime had decided to take over doing the job in order to keep not only Jane, but himself, covered. And she was now criticizing the way he was doing something which; 1) wasn't his job and 2) something she had completely failed to do herself. The nerve! He was totally incensed! But he had decided not to allow her to get to him to the point he lost his temper. But what else could he do?
As he drove to work, anticipating her waiting there to confront him with her criticisms, Jaime had a brainstorm. Jane seemed to handle his complaints so calmly. Perhaps he should try her methods. Jaime decided to handle Jane's complaint the way she handled his. He would be cheerful and agreeable, but calmly continue doing things the same way. He was so focused on controlling his own behavior, that he did not predict her response.
He arrived at work. She came out to meet him and immediately issued her complaints. He smiled, nodded and continued doing things the same way. She repeated it again and he continued to smile and nod yet do things the same way. She asked if he was angry? He calmly, and honestly, answered that he was not. And he wasn't. And this almost made him giddy. He was happily, calmly doing things they way he wanted without letting her complaints affect him. What did she do? She exploded! And she accused him of placating her and blowing her off! Remember those two words? Patronizing and dismissive? Sound familiar? By imitating her behavior he had flipped the script. She now experienced what he had felt and to behave the way he had behaved, by exploding. By flipping the script he gave her more information than words ever could have. He allowed her, without malice, to feel the way she made him feel.
What happened next? After she cooled off, Jane started to listen to Jaime when he first mentioned something, rather than forcing him to completely lose his temper before hearing him. And she started to negotiate with him about how to get the work done in ways which worked for both of them.
And Jaime? He got a taste of how powerful her strategy was. He got to be the "good guy" while she lost her temper, becoming the "bad guy". He also gained insight into how someone else's behavior could affect him. Previous to this he was completely convinced that he was an "angry person" and experienced a lot of guilt about this. When he saw Jane react to his imitation of her behavior in exactly the same way he did, he had to pause and rethink his beliefs.
Does this mean that other people are solely responsible for our behavior? Of course not. We have choices about what we do and we're responsible for them. But we do not live on an island. We are influenced by others' behavior as well as by our own choices.
If someone is jerking your chain you might stop and "Flip the Script" to see how it plays out. You might learn a lot - about yourself and others.