Speaking From Fear, not Fact

It's sad, but I see a lot of people speaking from fear, not fact.  Sometimes it is drama, which has a reasoning of its own.  But sometimes it's trauma, which can be more difficult to realize.         

People who have experienced a lot of trauma in life, especially those who experienced it as a child, grow up to be what therapists call "hypervigilant" and "hyperaroused".  It's sort of like Chicken Little.  They always fear the sky is falling.  For instance, I'm currently dealing with a person in my life who claims her dog is dying of bone cancer.  Actually, the doctor said the dog may have an injured knee, a fungus in its knee or bone cancer*.  So the trauma survivor hears the word "cancer" and panics.  She announces that her dog has cancer and starts trying to figure out where to bury her. 

Or a parent with a child who is caught trying drugs may jump to the conclusion, "He's going to grow up to be a drug addict".  But again, this is fear, not fact.

People around a Chicken Little may come to see her behavior as drama and feel manipulated by her catostrophizing.  But it's important to distinguish whether it is drama or trauma.

Why does it matter?  I place a really high value on intent.  What is the person's intent.  If I am walking by you and you accidentally move your foot as I'm passing and I end up tripping - it is one thing.  If I am walking by you and you intentionally stick out your foot to trip - that is something entirely different. 

The same can apply to drama vs. trauma.  If the person is employing drama for the purpose of manipulating you into doing something they want - that is one thing.  If they are creating a lot of drama because of a trauma reaction - that is different.  It helps to realize that someone is not being a drama queen, but a trauma survivor.  That they are not lying as a form of manipulation.  They are "lying" because they are fearful and expressing that fear as fact.

If they can realize what they are doing they can learn to restate what is happening as being what they fear instead of what is fact so that other people can react to them more authentically instead of blowing them off as drama queens.

If you can realize what they are doing it will help you empathize with what is going on and speak to the real problem, which is the fear.  Instead of helping them plan how to bury their dog you can help them figure out whether it's a fear, or a fact.  If it's only a fear, then you can urge them to wait for fact, or help them work out how to deal with what they fear without feeling that you are being manipulated.

 

*Unfortunately, doctors do not take psychology courses which causes them to handle their patient's mental health quite abominably at times.  In their minds I believe they are merely ticking off the diseases to be eliminated.  And they want to eliminate cancer first since it is the worst case scenario.  Then they move down from there.  What they don't seem to understand is that glibly rattling off the word "cancer" sends a panic through some of their patients.  And they don't usually bother to elaborate that it's just standard procedure to eliminate cancer as a possibility.  So the patient walks away with the idea that they are being tested for cancer.