Kellevision

"Choosing" to be Happy

“Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.”
~Shirley MacLaine

Let me say up front that Pollyanna Sunshine advice to just "choose" to be happy can really be annoying.  It is not meant for people who are seriously depressed.  If someone is so depressed they are not functioning, are suicidal, are losing the will to live, or are psychotic - this advice is at best inappropriate, if not downright ludicrous.  This article is meant as a cure-all for people struggling with life threatening depression.  However, it is intended for people struggling with the negative thinking so prevalent in depression.

From what I have experienced and observed, there is a kind of thinking that goes with depression.  A very negative outlook on life that always focuses on what is wrong, rather than what is right.  I've seen it in myself, in my clients and in people attending depression support groups.  I don't know which came first, the thinking or the depression, and I'm not going to debate that here.  Whichever came first, they do co-exist.  And our thoughts affect our mood.  However, since they are thoughts, we do have some control over them.  That is what this article if for.  It is not meant to be a miracle cure or a panacea.  I'm not advocating that readers throw away their antidepressants and consider this the Holy Grail.  But it can certainly help. 

The idea that you can change how you think about things, and that by changing how you think about things, you can change how you feel about them is the basis of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  And I think this is especially true in the case of depression.  This one of the reasons CBT is one of the most effective forms of treatment for depression - it addresses the thought patterns.  And addressing the thought patterns changes the mood.  

With that said, "choosing" to be happy is not the blasé answer it appears to be.  Choosing to be happy takes a lot of work and concentration.  It takes a lot of mindfulness.  And it takes a true desire to be happy.  Some people, for whatever reasons, are heavily invested in suffering, in martyrdom, in being depressed.  Some people are afraid to be happy, perhaps out of fear they will lose it again, or it will be wrenched from them.  In order for this to work, you have to be willing to accept change and you have to want to be happy.  If you are willing to fight for it, the benefits can be significant, even life altering.  

The word "mindfulness" is bandied about quite a bit these days.  But what do this word actually mean?  Being "mindful" can seem counter intuitive when you're in a state of life-sucking sadness and misery.  When you're really depressed, being "mindful" doesn't sound like a very good idea.  Why would I want to be more aware of my miserable state?  

Therefore, mindfulness alone will not do the trick.  You have to actively choose what to be mindful of.  I think "reframing" needs to occur along with mindfulness.  Reframing can be a conscious effort to look at things from the other side of the table.  People who are struggling with depression tend to see the glass as half empty.  Reframing requires that you be in the present (mindful) and look at how the glass is half full (reframing).  This can require a lot of effort, but the payoff can be huge.

Imagine you are feeling depressed.  And by depressed I mean, feeling sad or melancholic for no good reason.  If you are grieving the loss of someone or something, that is not depression.  That is grieving and should be experienced in order to heal.  So imagine everything is OK in your world, yet you still feel depressed.  Try this exercise.  Personalize these things for yourself.  You may like rainy days or storms.  You may like the sound of traffic lulling you to sleep or the excitement of a screeching neighbor.  Make this exercise specific to you.

Example:

Look around your world at what is going on.  How is your glass half full?  What is going right in your world?  Is the weather really good today?  Are you healthy and strong?  Has your partner cooked you a lovely meal?  Is your dog patiently waiting to be played with?  Are your children peacefully playing a game?  Is your favorite song playing?  Are you enjoying a hot bath?  Are you eating a good meal?  Are you snuggled up in a particularly cozy blanket or sitting in a really comfortable chair?  

For this exercise, I try to be hyper aware of what is happening to my body right now.  And to be hyper aware of what is not happening to me right now.  I'm not in pain.  I'm not paralyzed.  My body is functioning pretty well.  I'm not too hot or too cold.  I'm not being annoyed by my screeching neighbor or the sound of traffic.  It's not storming and there is no freezing rain.  My new job is calm and fairly peaceful. I'm no longer terrorized by my work environment or sick with dread at the thought of having to return to work tomorrow.  I'm no longer dealing with that nightmare of a relationship I was in.  I have no family drama plaguing me.  All my bills are paid and I have an adequate paycheck coming in.  The weather is beautiful and I'm walking my fabulous dog who is thrilled to be alive.  (I have a lot to learn from her.)  

Having accurately assessed what is not wrong, I want to look at how the glass is half full.  I tune into the pleasant activity (and this should be specific to you).  Focus your mindfulness on what is going right, instead of what is going wrong, then turn up the volume.  Choose to enjoy what is going right and really get into it.  Use your five senses as a guide.  Try to use them all in your experience of your pleasant activity.  If you are standing outside in beautiful weather, can you feel the sun warming your skin?  Stand still and try to feel it.  Take a minute to just be happy and feel the warmth of the sun on your body.  Choose to enjoy it. Can you feel the breeze on your skin, or hear it rustling the leaves in the trees?  Is the sky a particularly beautiful shade of blue?  Are the clouds a fluffy white?  Take an hour to cloud watch and see what shapes they form.   (Or feel the waves lapping on your feet if you are a beach person.  Or the silence of snow fall and the way if gently lands on your face if you are snow person.)  Choose to get into the experience and really feel it.

Repeat weekly, daily, even hourly if you can manage it.

This exercise is not easy and takes a lot of effort.  I don't want to minimize or trivialize that, especially if your are struggling with depression.  But it is worth the fight.  Think of it like any physical exercise.  It's really tough to get off the couch and get started.  But the more you do it, the easier it gets.  The more you practice it, the more natural it becomes.  

 

 

 

 

Playing Tetris: A cure for PTSD, food cravings, drug and sex addiction?

A recent article on a popular science cite suggests that playing the game of Tetris can help people who are struggling with symptoms of trauma (PTSD), food cravings, drug addiction or sex addition.  Perhaps those "evil" video games can help us instead of hurt us?

 

 

What They Say vs. What They Do

In abusive relationships it is not uncommon for the victim to feel that the abuser loves because they say they do.   

Abused children believe their parents love them because they say they do.  And children will believe this even when the parent has a long history of beating the child or profoundly neglecting the child.

This is why it's important to watch what people do, rather than what they say.  The predators and abusers of the world often display "empathy gaps", gaps in their ability to feel compassion or empathy for others.  Their words are very charming and full of "love", yet their actions tells a different story.  

 

 

The Healing Power of Animals

A hospital in Kentucky is reviewing their "No Pets" rule for patients after a terminal patient improved when he was allowed to see his dog. 

A Huffington Post article points out that having a pet will cause you to get more exercise (I know mine does) and helps humans realize that love can be unconditional.   I still remember a client who, after decades of drug use, got clean and sober but had no idea how to socialize with other people.  He also had no faith that other people could be trusted in relationships.  Then he rescued a dog from the local animal shelter.  And joined the dog club at his apartment complex.  And everything changed.  As his faith in living creatures was restored by the love of his dog, his faith in the human race was restored as well.  He made friends in the dog club and was welcomed back into the human race - all through the love of a dog.

And an article by NPR, cites medical studies performed 30 years ago which showed that petting your dog could lower your blood pressure.  More recent studies show that interacting with animals releases oxytocin in the brain which promotes healing and the growth of new cells.  Oxytocin also makes us feel happy and trusting.  Another study found that heart attack patients with pets lived longer than patients without pets.

In therapy with traumatized children, animals have a calming effect.  They can center and ground a child who is hypervigilant or anxious.  Grieving clients will take comfort from a therapy dog and clients struggling with a substance abuse issue will often befriend a therapy dog before they are able to re-establish their broken human connections.  

Service animals have been helping patients who were blind or deaf have more active lives for a long time.  But we are only now beginning to realize that our pets can help us with emotional issues as well.

 

 

 

 

 

The Advantages of Being the Scapegoat

Why would anyone want to be the scapegoat in their family?  Could being in the scapegoat role be a good thing?  Might the scapegoat of a family benefit from being scapegoated?

The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us

Robert Bly writes about "The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us" which is filled with all the things we deny in ourselves, our Shadow parts.  If we think it's bad to be angry, we may throw our anger in there.  Some members of my family think humor is a waste of time, so they throw their silliness in there.  Sad, I know.  Some religions may require you to throw your sexuality in the bag.  Men may throw their sensitivity in the bag, women may throw their strength into it.  If, when you were young someone made fun of your artwork, you may have thrown that in the bag.  Many of our "negative" emotions get put in the bag;  jealousy, hatred, vanity or fear.  The seven deadly "sins" go in the bag;  anger, envy, lust, gluttony, sloth, pride or greed.  

Whatever you throw in the bag, you don't have access to it.  And the more you throw in the bag, the heavier the bag you drag behind you.  And the more you put in the bag, the less that is left of you.  Pretty soon there is only a sliver of you left.  And this is the part that you present to society.  

The parts of yourself which you deny become twisted and contorted to where they are unrecognizable.  If you put anger in the bag and you are angered, instead of expressing it directly, openly and honestly, it may come out as barbed sarcasm, sabotage or even retaliation.  

And the parts we put in the bag at 5 years old or 15 years old don't develop or mature.  They are frozen in that primitive, undeveloped state in which we first put them in the bag.  Primitive and immature they erupt from the bag when they can be contained no longer, twisted and contorted into something we no longer recognize as human.  

"Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is."  Carl Jung

The parts we deny have the power to drive us.  A man who denies his sexual desires to himself and in public may spend vast hours watching porn in the secrecy of his home.  A woman who denies her anger may seethe behind a sugary sweet smile.  A child denied his playfulness may retreat into a make believe world in his mind.