Our sense of self is our perception of ourselves.It organizes the way we think about ourselves and our experiences of the world we live in. It consists of the feelings, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, perceptions, and attitudes we have about ourselves and the world around us. A strong sense of self allows us to feel serene and secure in the world, regardless of what is happening around us.
When we are young our sense of self grows through our interactions with our parent. Ideally, we receive love, empathy, compassion, and nurturing from our parents. We internalize this love and caring from our parents and provide it for ourselves. We internalize that sense of caring, security and safety into our mind, body, and emotions and become our own source of security. We develop a secure base inside ourselves which helps us remain maintain an even keel even when there are external stressors. We are able to be psychologically alone.
By contrast, when we have a strong inner sense of who we are we feel confident that we are okay, regardless of what is happening externally. We believe we will be accepted by others. We depend on our own validation of our self and can maintain our sense of competency and calm even when others aren’t around to reassure us. This inner resilience calms us when we are stressed and allows us to bounce back from the hurts we all experience without feeling like we are coming completely undone. It provides a compass to guide us and an anchor to steady us.
As a child, when there is no space for us to be ourselves, the sense of self may not have room to fully form, or develop. Imagine a butterfly in a cocoon. If it is never freed from the cocoon, it never has the space to unfold its wings and fly. It never has the chance to be the butterfly it was meant to be.
Likewise, abuse and/or neglect distort our experiences of ourselves and the world around us. In order to make sense of abuse or neglect we may create meaning to explain them. Children tend to assume that anything going wrong in the family is their fault, so they often blame themselves for harm that comes to them, telling themselves, “I’m a bad kid” or “I deserved it”.
Meaning may also be assigned to us by others, but it too may be distorted. Abusive parents may have blamed you for their dysfunction, telling you it was your fault, or labeling you as the problem. You may have internalized these messages and incorporated them into your sense of self.
As adults, we may perpetuate those beliefs through our choices and our relationship patterns reinforcing that story over and over. If we believe we are “bad” or “not good enough” we may choose partners who mistreat us or friends who take advantage of us. We may tolerate work environments which are harmful. We may endure unhealthy situations because we are convinced we don’t deserve anything better.
The process of changing your life involves challenging those distortions and editing your story so you can build the strong, healthy sense of self you were meant to have. The process of reclaiming and rebuilding a strong, healthy sense of self requires first and foremost looking critically at your life. What is your life reflecting back to you and where are you focusing your attention?
Claiming Your Power
If we grew up in an environment where power was abused, we often have a belief that power is violent and ugly, something which is forced on you. But power can be quite, calm, and assertive. True power is not about dominating others, it is knowledge, wisdom and understanding about ourselves and the conviction that we know who we are.
Rewriting Your Story of Who You Are
What are your Core Beliefs?
Core Beliefs are unconditional beliefs that serve as a basis for interpreting and explaining our experiences. For example, “There’s something wrong with me”, “Others can’t be trusted”, “It doesn’t matter what I do”, “I never have any luck”. These often function without our awareness in our Self Talk.
What do I believe to be true about myself?
Where did it come from?
What messages have I claimed for myself?
What messages have I accepted to belong or survive?
What messages have I accepted from others?
What assumptions am I operating from as a result of these beliefs?
How do these beliefs affect my thoughts feelings and behaviors?
How do I know what is really me?
How do I know what is not me?
What is the story you tell yourself when things go right?
When things go wrong?
As you move through each day, stop, look at what is happening in this moment, and ask yourself these questions:
Do I like it?
Do I want it?
Is it good for me?
What do I need right now?
How do I feel?
As you make space to listen to yourself you strengthen your self knowledge. You won’t get it right every time, especially at first. That’s okay. Progress, not perfection. As you learn to trust yourself it will become more automatic and you will gravitate toward the answers you know are true for you. It’s not selfish to make space for yourself, it’s necessary for you to thrive.
It is our responsibility to create the environment in which we can thrive.
Our lives are determined by the choices we make for ourselves. Do you feel empowered? Are you actively making choices about your life, or allowing external forces to influence and drive you? To reclaim your power and control in your own life you have to know how to make choices to nurture and care for yourself, how to make choices to meet your needs, how to move in directions that allow you to reach your full potential. That is thriving. Start simply and pay attention to each choice.
Every day try to reflect on these three questions:
What choices did I make today that feel good?
What choices did I make today that are leading me where I want to go?
What am I most grateful for today?
As you strengthen your knowledge about who you are and what you want you will drop the need to justify and explain or apologize when your needs and wants do not appease others. As you turn your attention to who you are, what you want and need, and what is working you will find it easier and easier to make that choice. That is where you find happiness and where you will thrive.
Other techniques which may help you strengthen your sense of self:
- Working on Satir’s mandala
- Does This Give Me Joy exercise.
- Developing healthy boundaries. Learning to distinguish where other people end and you begin. Separating what is you and what is them. Learning to ask, is this about me or them? Whose emotions are these? Whose problem is this?
- Learning to be assertive. Learning to stand up for yourself. Learning to say “No”.
- Practicing meditation. Learning to sit with yourself and tune into yourself, learning to sit with your emotions and thoughts, making a space for them
- Finding your passions - and pursuing them
- Finding your meaning, your purpose, what makes you want to get out of bed in the morning?
- Learning to be your authentic self
- Surrounding yourself with people who honor, love, support and respect your authentic self