When people say they are "sorry", but keep doing a hurtful behavior - they aren't sorry.
I'm just saying...
I see this a lot with antisocial folks. Since they feel no remorse, they can't really be sorry. But they say the words "I'm sorry" because they have learned are socially expected.
So everyone says you should forgive them - because they said they were sorry.
But you can't, can you? Because they haven't actually apologized, they've just mouthed the words. And because they keep hurting you. If someone says they're sorry, but continues to hit you in the head, how can you forgive them?
You can walk away from them. You can stop allowing them to hit you in the head. You can let go of the hurt and the betrayal and the sadness and the anger. You can get over it and get on with your life.
But you can't forgive them, because they haven't truly asked you for forgiveness - or earned it.
In abusive relationships it is not uncommon for the victim to feel that the abuser loves because they say they do.
Abused children believe their parents love them because they say they do. And children will believe this even when the parent has a long history of beating the child or profoundly neglecting the child.
This is why it's important to watch what people do, rather than what they say. The predators and abusers of the world often display "empathy gaps", gaps in their ability to feel compassion or empathy for others. Their words are very charming and full of "love", yet their actions tells a different story.
Have you been manipulated, lied to, controlled by a toxic person? The person may be a psychopath (antisocial), a narcissist or a borderline. They've betrayed, exploited and misled you. They've seduced you with their charm and beguiled you with their lies. They've stolen your money, your life, your heart. And you're left wondering, "How could I have been so stupid?"
Narcissistic rage is like no other. The intensity is palpable. Logic and reason falls by the way side. They have no limits. They do not stop at the edge. They do not care if they destroy themselves, as long as they take you with them. They are willing to go to extremes and commit atrocities you could never imagine. And this is why you can't beat them. Why? I'm reminded of an old fable.
A teenaged boy was brought to us who had experienced a horrific childhood full of abuse and neglect. He had adopted some bizarre behaviors as a result which distanced him from his peers and provoked a lot of bullying and chiding. Almost everything he did begged to be made fun of. It was heart wrenching to watch him struggle to get along with children at the shelter and at school. But how to address so many behaviors without totally crushing him?
With a horse named Buddy. Buddy is probably the best therapist I ever met. He is sensitive and patient beyond belief so he came straight up to the boy and loved all over him. The boy was elated, the horse liked him! (Most abused children take the blame for their own abuse, assuming there is something wrong with them which provokes or deserves the abuse. So their first fear is always that they will not be liked.) So Buddy's ready acceptance of the boy was healing. But, as the boy started acting out his behaviors Buddy would gently pull away. He didn't leave, he just moved away from the inappropriate touching or the explosive noises. The boy got it immediately. "He doesn't like that!" Not a word was spoken, but volumes were communicated. As his other therapist, I could then gently ask, "how do other people respond when you do that?" And the boy could tell me without feeling badly about himself because Buddy was right there nuzzling him and liking him. With Buddy's positive reinforcement we moved through his disruptive behaviors in no time replacing things Buddy did not like with behaviors Buddy did like.
People who find themselves in an unhealthy, even abusive relationship often ask themselves, "why do I stay?", "what is it that keeps sucking me back in?" Many times it can be the "courting behavior" that follows the abuse. In domestic violence, this is illustrated in the Circle of Abuse. The abuser becomes violent and lashes out at the victim. Afterward, he or she engages in the courting behavior they originally used when dating the victim. They are charming, caring, attentive. They lavish the victim with compliments and gifts. A victim who has low self esteem may tolerate the abuse to get the courting behavior. The pain of being hurt is overridden by the kindness and attention that are lavished on them after it is over.
In less abusive relationships a more subtle form of this behavior may exist. If someone is in a relationship with a narcissist or a sociopath, they may experience a constant stream of unloving treatment. Their partner may be uncaring, callous, accusatory, jealous, cold, distant, hostile, selfish, critical, demanding, demeaning, etc. They may heap insults on them or demean them with a constant stream of disparaging remarks. They may constantly accuse them of cheating. Or they may be dismissive and condescending. The relationship may be totally devoid of empathic, nurturing, caring, loving behavior. So why do they stay?
It may be that they are totally taken for granted, until they attempt to leave or start to pull away. When the emotional manipulator reailizes they've gone too far, they may engage in courting behavior to reel the partner back into the relationship. If their partner's self esteem is low enough this may go on for years and years. If their self esteem is somewhat higher, they may eventually realize that, "One compliment negates a thousand slights."
Someone sent me a link to the story of Brigitte Harris who accidentally killed her father after she found out he was intended to molest other children as he had molested her. Unfortunately, her story is not rare. But she said something which deeply saddened me.
AsapScience has uploaded a really wonderful video about Lucid Dreaming on YouTube. If you are having trouble with nightmares, especially the same, repeated nightmare, I highly recommend this video.