In abusive relationships it is not uncommon for the victim to feel that the abuser loves because they say they do.
Abused children believe their parents love them because they say they do. And children will believe this even when the parent has a long history of beating the child or profoundly neglecting the child.
This is why it's important to watch what people do, rather than what they say. The predators and abusers of the world often display "empathy gaps", gaps in their ability to feel compassion or empathy for others. Their words are very charming and full of "love", yet their actions tells a different story.
Narcissistic rage is like no other. The intensity is palpable. Logic and reason falls by the way side. They have no limits. They do not stop at the edge. They do not care if they destroy themselves, as long as they take you with them. They are willing to go to extremes and commit atrocities you could never imagine. And this is why you can't beat them. Why? I'm reminded of an old fable.
People who find themselves in an unhealthy, even abusive relationship often ask themselves, "why do I stay?", "what is it that keeps sucking me back in?" Many times it can be the "courting behavior" that follows the abuse. In domestic violence, this is illustrated in the Circle of Abuse. The abuser becomes violent and lashes out at the victim. Afterward, he or she engages in the courting behavior they originally used when dating the victim. They are charming, caring, attentive. They lavish the victim with compliments and gifts. A victim who has low self esteem may tolerate the abuse to get the courting behavior. The pain of being hurt is overridden by the kindness and attention that are lavished on them after it is over.
In less abusive relationships a more subtle form of this behavior may exist. If someone is in a relationship with a narcissist or a sociopath, they may experience a constant stream of unloving treatment. Their partner may be uncaring, callous, accusatory, jealous, cold, distant, hostile, selfish, critical, demanding, demeaning, etc. They may heap insults on them or demean them with a constant stream of disparaging remarks. They may constantly accuse them of cheating. Or they may be dismissive and condescending. The relationship may be totally devoid of empathic, nurturing, caring, loving behavior. So why do they stay?
It may be that they are totally taken for granted, until they attempt to leave or start to pull away. When the emotional manipulator reailizes they've gone too far, they may engage in courting behavior to reel the partner back into the relationship. If their partner's self esteem is low enough this may go on for years and years. If their self esteem is somewhat higher, they may eventually realize that, "One compliment negates a thousand slights."
A while back I wrote about emotions as weapons. Unfortunately, I have witnessed a great deal of anger as a form of bullying in the past several months.
Hello loyal readers. I apologize for my absence, but I had to get some things straight in my own life. So I quit my job working for an abusive boss and asked myself what kind of counseling I would do if I could any kind at all. I've seen a lot of violence and I've learned that there is only so much I can do to stop it. Though I can't change the entire world, I can create a safe place in my little corner of it. And if there are two things I want most in this world, it is to save children and animals from violence. So I created a nonprofit organization which rescues animals, rehabilitates them and works with them to provide animal assisted therapy to children who have experienced violence. We are small, but growing and you can visit the website for my new organization, TherapyWorks.
As for this blog, I shall now take up my "pen" and try to return to regular posts. I am reading all of your comments during this past year (I'll try to catch up on responding to them) and appreciate your patience.
"If you don't live what you sing about your mirror is going to find out." Ani DiFranco, "The Million You Never Made"
... that is the question. A veteran of Vietnam was talking about his experiences in Vietnam, about coming home and about the trauma he experienced and about how others believed he should react to that trauma. The mental health professionals, the V.A., his family and his friends all wanted him to "heal". But what they meant by "heal" was to forget, to stop talking about it, to move forward as if nothing happened. But he disagrees. He doesn't want to "heal". He wants to remember.
I listened to this veteran of the "war" in Iraq and understood what he meant. I've seen this with abused children and victims of domestic violence. It's a curious feeling - unless you've been there.
I really have a problem with the recent surge in diagnosing children with Bipolar Disorder. The children I see with this diagnosis are often the victims of serious issues at home, issues which may even include abuse. Some struggle with PTSD and the mood swings which are inherent in a traumatized individual are attributed to "Bipolar Disorder" and medicated.