If You Were Raised by Narcissists
My narcissistic friend is faking empathy

How to Protect Yourself from a Narcissist's Manipulation

Two techniques for dealing with narcissists which people have shared with me and I have found helpful are "Medium Chill" and "Robot Mode".   There is a lot of overlap in the two concepts.  I present them both because most people identify more easily with one than the other.  Take what you like.

Medium Chill

I cannot find a good description of Medium Chill on the web which is openly accessible.  Basically, Medium Chill is a technique for dealing with narcissists.  Some people advocate it for life in general.  That is not my recommendation.  I only recommend this as a strategy for dealing with narcissistic abuse.

Basically, Medium Chill is  something you utilize to allow the narcissist's attempts to get inside your head to flow over you without effect.  You want to wall off your emotional responses and protect them from manipulation.  Maintain a flat expression, or perhaps even a vaguely pleasant expression and block off your emotions so they have no way of telling that they're having an effect - and chill.

The theory behind Medium Chill is that a narcissist's goal is to provoke an emotional response from you.   They crave having power over you and seeing the disruption to your mind that they're able to exercise.  They emotionally manipulate you to get an emotional response from you.  And it doesn't matter what the emotional response is.  A fight is as good as a cheer of encouragement, a screaming curse as good as a flowery compliment.   They just want a reaction.  They just want attention.  And they do not care how much it upsets you or affects you because they have no empathy.  It's all about them.  

Provoking an outburst from you also allows them to write you off - to themselves and others - as the crazy one.  You are the one behaving badly.  All they said was...    and you just went off!

However, give them no outward sign that you're affected by their manipulations and they move on to someone more easily manipulated.

Robot Mode

Robot Mode works much the same.  I do not advocate the use of either method as a way of manipulating narcissists or as an offensive move, only as a defense.   The best thing is to get away from them.  If you can't, Robot Mode may be helpful to protect yourself.

It consists primarily of locking away your emotions and intellectualizing about what is happening between you and the narcissist - instead of feeling it.  You must realize that the narcissist is reading your emotions and calculating responses based upon what they read.  If you stop thinking about what your feeling and block off your emotions from the predatory narcissist, then you are free to analyze what is happening with a cool and detached mind and make better decisions about how to respond - or not to respond. 

Remember, the narcissist is an emotional manipulator whose goal is to provoke you to react, or even better, overreact.  Then they can derail you from the point you were trying to make, or the bad behavior which you were confronting them about, or the boundary you were trying to set.  If they can provoke you to behave badly enough, they can cast you as the crazy one.  

Also remember that a narcissist's emotions are very limited and very shallow.  They feel no empathy and no remorse.  (I have been told they only experience fear and anger.  I have not seen this disproven yet.)  Given that they experience no empathy and no remorse, trying to "connect" with them is futile.  If someone feels no remorse and no empathy, what is there to connect with???   Because their emotions are extremely limited, or non-existent, they view people who have emotions as being "weak" and easily manipulated.  They resent the fact that you feel and realize there is something missing in them because they do not.  But they will never own this, nor are most of them even conscious of it themselves.  This is what is happening on the subconscious level. Consciously, they just sneer at you for being so "weak" and get off on exerting their power over you by manipulating your emotions.

Also, because they experience no remorse, they are not bound by conscience, morality, ideals, principles or "doing the right thing".  They are not loyal friends, lovers or parents.  They are not fair bosses.  The right thing for a narcissist is whatever suits them at the moment.  What effect that will have on others is absolutely unimportant to the narcissist.  It's all about them and what they want.  How do you interact with someone like that?  Robot Mode.

By putting your emotions out of reach and blocking them off you take away their ammunition against you.  They are unable to "read" you.  By cutting off your emotions, you are now on the same playing field with them.  You can coldly calculate your next move,  just as they do.  You are now talking to a Robot as a Robot.  Robots don't emote.  They don't react.  Robots don't care.  Robots can't be guilted, or shamed, or bullied.  

It's important to point out that Robot Mode is not about dissociation, spacing out, tuning out or "leaving the room" mentally.  It's about being more present, more aware, more in the moment.  You have to stay with your body and in your mind in order to protect yourself.  It's about walling off your emotions so they are protected, not disconnected.  It's about staying on guard.  It's about putting up your defenses and protecting the sensitive, caring, empathic part of yourself the narcissist seeks to manipulate.  
 

Comments

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Ruby

I opted for no contact, complete absence. I told myself that she can only "burn my ears" now by trashing me to others or talking ill about me. Even though this can find its way to be very damaging, people should be able to see through, as I am genuine and she is fake. But, I now know that I will never know.
Her golden child is different though, when confronted with the truth she becomes "snibly" and everyone is against her. but far more scary is her golden child who when confronted becomes violent. I'm not real sure how vengeful they are together. I'm sure I will find out.
I read somewhere that the only people who know what narcissists really are, are their victims or their scapegoats. I think this is true a I have found no-one sympathetic or understanding.

exposure

The only one successful in exposing a narcissistic is Chef Ramsey! He comes pretty close to publicly exposing one.

Kellen

Hi Ruby,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I think you're right, only their victims or scapegoats really know them. Even therapists aren't adequately trained in recognizing them or knowing how to deal with them.

I also agree that people are not sympathetic, because they can't understand what you're really dealing with. So they give you advice like, "just sit down and talk to them and tell them how you feel" or "but he's you're parent/sibling/partner, you should give him another chance".

Both of these are really bad advice. Telling a narcissist how you feel just gives them ammunition to manipulate you. Likewise, the narcissist may be a family member or your partner, but they are also emotionally manipulative, emotionally abusive and toxic.

Please take care of yourself and hang in there.

Kellen

Hi Exposure,

I think you may be right. I've seen him do that myself!

Danielle

I am in a relationship with a narcissist. We have been together for almost 5 years now and he has destroyed me from the inside out. He makes me feel worthless and afraid. My boyfriend is the narcissist and I am the HSP (Highly sensitive person) When we first started dating I told him everything about myself and my past. I didn't come from the best family, and he loves to stick his claws in me and use my past to hurt me more now than it did before. I am trying to leave. We have a three year old son, so I am trying to leave the best way possible without this greatly affecting our child. Do any of you think my boyfriend became this way because one of his parents is a narcissist as well? I have a feeling his mother is, they act very similar sometimes.

JE

Yes this rings true. This person in my life claims to be wrecked inside and emotionally deep, is constantly the victim but never responsible ... I've tried to help and am at my wits end after many years suffering. Why can't I get their voice out of my head ?
I am trying to make a break and lately he has been nicer and seems like a different person and claims wanting to improve himself etc... So I'm seeing the pattern where I respond with listening and advice etc and it's hard for me to not care ! But I see the pattern - he is nice awhile and interested and talks the talk and I respond and if I show faith in him and belief he gets a certain smug look. If I trust him or accept this as truth, inevitably I notice this leads to him somehow pulling the rug out from under us again. The smirk on his face won't leave my mind. My daughter and I are exhausted.
Fear and anger seem to be the only expressions apart from a smug look, a hyper attention seeking act, a smirk of a smile, and a disregarding holier than thou coldness.
When I asked him if he could imagine feeling differently in the future, he went into a "monologue" about panic and feeling panic. With him " emotion " is always fear based, unless he is criticised or finds out someone thinks less of him ( less than he imagines what they should think ?) - then it's acting out in anger or a kind of anger that is terrifying to witness.
Sorry to ramble. In the midst of trying to figure out who I am again. Thanks to those who are helping us get through this and best wishes to all who need them !

Heather

I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a person who is still a complete stranger to me. The funny thing is, is that throughout the entire relationship, I have known, "It's not me".....there is something fundamentally WRONG with this person.. I use to think what every partner of a Narc thinks..."If I just do this, If I just change that about myself, If I just respond this way, If I just......The reality is, there is nothing that I can do that will ever be enough, ever.....I saw a post where a poster stated that Narcs don't actually have a Grandiose view of themselves, its actually the opposite, AND I AGREE.....I think that they are the most Insecure Human Beings inside, which reflects on the outside through their rage, hurtful words and actions, lack of empathy towards those that love them most... After 4 years, the best advice that I could give to someone that is questioning their own relationship with a Narc...is...RUN...RUN LIKE HELL....They will bleed you dry in every aspect of your life....that is no joke....and they will feel nothing...they will not miss you, they will only miss what you no longer do for them.. or provide for them...as you are an object to them, not a person..they will slander your name behind your back, all the while saying those famous words "I Love You" ...making you look crazy to EVERYONE, and making themselves out to be the victim....They lie on a daily basis, even about things that don't matter...I have come to think it's more to do with power, as if they feel power by using and abusing the trust you give them, as if they have "gotten one over on you"...It's all a game....The only thing that you can do is establish "NO CONTACT"....AND TRUST ME, they will try to get back in your life, to once again try and destroy it...DO NOT LET THEM BACK....They do not operate or function as a NORMAL person would....this is a cat and mouse game to them...and you are nothing but their prey... it has taken me this long to finally let it sink in....the best thing that I can suggest is to arm yourself with as much information & knowledge about Narcissism as you possibly can....(Because Knowledge is Power)..that is the key....it's not reading to beat them at their own game ..it's to give YOU the piece of mind that you deserve... and to know that you are not alone....that is what I feel....I am currently arming myself with as much Power as I can, so that I can walk away for good this time....

BelieveInMiracles

Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts and advice. I am trying to feel empowered as I have begin my own journey to save myself and children.

I have come to the recently realization that I am married to a narcissistic abuser. I have known him for almost twenty years and have been married to him for 17 years. I honestly feel so blind and stupid for not being so emotionally intelligent to have realized this early on in our relationship.

I have struggled and come to use the same versions of the helpful strategies described in order to preserve myself over the last couple of years. I know he was an emotional abuser. That even took me the last few years to confirm. (I had speculated for years before.) (My dad was similar and I guess I associated it as normal and/or cultural.) I have spent so many years suffering in mental anguish...being belittled, intimidated, controlled, threatened and talked down to....even to the height of being beaten and having my sacrum dislocate. Then, for it to be explained that it was all my fault because I tried to verbal defend myself when he was verbally attacking me.

That physical attack nearly three years ago was my first real awakening. My life was in danger and I have no doubt that it can happen again.

My most recent metal attack happened as a result of this weekend, which even though I can write a long narrative about it, I will keep it short. The narcissist did not get his way because things did not work out the way he wanted to control it and, of course, it was my fault, so, in his eyes, I deserve to suffer. We coldly ate dinner and then he took off to his best friend's house for a get together. We had made plans for a night out. He got upset with me earlier in the day with his inability to control my time (or shall I say, my inability) due to extra errands that I was instructed to add to my list. I was also held on the phone in lengthy conversation for an extensive amount of time to detail points for him to pin point my wrongs, then of course blamed for wasting time. Over the years, I have become more and more intellectually aware of what was going on, so by the time he arrived to get ready, I think he could sense my defense and dissatisfaction and treated me with knit picking criticism. I know he abandoned me to go where he felt he could get approval. And I was left in tears every chance I got to be alone.

This, by all means is a mild case, yet, I cried and prayed on the floor...not understanding why he felt I deserve to be treated like this, not just this day...but all the others combined. Am I selfish to believe I deserve to be served once in a while...have dinner cooked for me...have help with chores, not just what he make the kids do.... do the things the kids enjoy with them...to be treated like a treasured princess...I will even take... at least human?

The focus is slowly coming in for me to see...that all the hurt from over the years can be tied to these examples of narcissism. I know in my heart that I am not a horrible person...I am just a sensitive, empathetic, patient and loving one that serves as a feast for a predator, who himself, is a sick little puppy, once deprived of enough love and attention. I now comprehend that nothing I do will never be enough for him...for I will destroy myself and not even save him if I continue till the end of my days. I have to save myself and children.

The points that were made are quite accurate. It honesty hurts to believe that I have not been truly loved and that all of my love, blood, sweat, tears, pain and dedication were solely to use me for his selfish needs and create an image to the world of what he wants to be perceived as. It is hard for me to write this, but...I deserve better.

Thank you so very much for allowing this forum of sharing...I feel I really have no one to help me, but me, because I am so afraid.

Heather

(BelieveInMiracles)> For me, it has been a long road in a few short years....I have gone through the motions of anger, sadness and becoming completely numb inside. Many times in the beginning, I couldn't understand where all of this was coming from, why he was valuing me one minute and devaluing me the next ...while I was still the same person I had always been (THE ONE HE FELL IN LOVE WITH.>:)I use to try and search for answers, to make everything better...change things about myself that I was constantly berated & belittled for...and once I would change one thing, out came something new that was wrong WITH ME...the list he has is never ending....He will always victimize, yet claim to be the victim to his family, friends etc. (anyone who does not see or know this side of him)...they always have 2 faces (one for you, the one that YOU DESERVE and one for family and friends, the happy go lucky good person)....they are Master Manipulators....they have perfected their tactics to deceive,lie,cheat..etc; the reason that I feel Knowledge is Power when dealing with a Narc., is that it helps me to no longer doubt myself...to know, that I am still a Good Decent Human Being.. I have much to offer...I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE SICKNESS...I just sit back now, with the knowledge I have silently gathered, and watch him....it can be quite amusing now...his words anymore, that use to devastate me, no longer affect me...his silly antics of gaslighting...his picking apart my entire existence and finding fault, I just laugh at it inside...(it almost makes me feel sorry for him, his very existence, as he goes through life everyday with such a negativity)...I asked him a long time ago a simple question, after I armed myself with some great reading...(was an article on narcissism)...I asked him what kind of person he thinks he is, to describe himself?....Honest to God, he could not answer it...you could see that he was uncomfortable in the mere thought of even having to think about it...that is the honest truth...I was floored....most people, if you ask that question, they can answer you with good things,quirky things, things that might need improvement and so on...HE CAN'T ANSWER THAT SIMPLE QUESTION, BECAUSE HE DOES NOT IDENTIFY WITH HIMSELF!!...He is completely disconnected from himself, an empty shell inside, and a false façade on the outside...That moment of clarity was one of the first clues...that really sunk in...I would be curious to see if any one else has asked that question to their Narc and what the reply is??...I can't imagine it being very different....Thank You for letting me share

Ellen

@BelieveInMiracles DAMN! You Obviously KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER! Its all right there in your own words. I keep coming up with the movie "Gaslight". Older movie starring Ingrid Bergman(!!!), Charles Boyer as the narcissist (1890's - No one! knew then) and they havok he wreaked. Here it would seem to be about money... but its called Gaslight for a reason... hint about these Soul-less (it may very well be a reality.. ) -they are usually really rather stupid actually, because they're so convinced of their "power" ("they cannot take what you do not give"), and they can only use the "ammunition" you give them. ("Do not take her kindness for weakness", emotional vulnerability, etc. You DO KNOW HOW they operate. One clear clue i have noticed soon first meeting one -they always "seem to know" Exactly what to say to you to get you hooked -How? -they've already got a psychic hook in you. Read uo on Archons in Dead Sea Scrolls for BASIC ANSWERS. Also "Not in His Image" by John Lamb Lash. (no, not in"religious" -History. It explains Everything. One last thing: When you honestly LOVE SOMEONE -you put the Beloved first -and NOT because you think yiulk get into trouble uf you don't.

Brittany

My husband is a. Narcisist. He truly believes he is the sun and the rest of us are planets surrounding him. I have slowly realized over time that the chaotic behavior the co dependency he insisted on , even the set up s to cause me to be guilt ridden and thus more vulnerable are all so ingrained in his personality that here is no help for him. I'm choosing to get out. And arming myself with knowledge because we have two children I have to consider.

Kellen


Your children are lucky you have realized this.  You can help them know how to deal with him as adults.  Im so sorry this is your situation, but pleased you have found out what the problem is.  I wish you all the best.

Donna

I nave a narcissistic nephew. I could him out of my life a year ago. Just yesterday I got a request to follow him on on FB. I was thinking has he changed or is this a trick? Then I read this article and things shaped me.in the face and I remembered how it was when he was in my life. The article says they want to be in your life to make it hell and deem you the nut. Me checking out with no contact is killing him. And I'm happy. HELL NO YOU CAN'T COME IN. DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN.

Kellen


Hi Donna,


Im very pleased this was of help to you.  Youre absolutely right about him not changing.  Though its possible for narcissists to change, they first have to admit there is something wrong with them, which they very rarely do.  It then takes many years of therapy and very hard work for them to change.  


Initiating No Contact bothers them greatly and they will go to great ends to re-establish contact.  His Facebook request is a good example.  Im glad you were able to see through it and hold your ground.  


Nicely done,


Kellen

meaghen

I am living with one as well known for 6 years he is homeless i took him in to HELP him and hes abused me every way possible and wont leave me he spits in my face and yells when we are in the car he throws things at me like im trash he says everything is my fault and says he loves me... i am not allowed to have my phone hes doesnt have any money or phone he uses mine to control my life i tried to call the police he put me in a head lock and blackmailed me bc he knows my past and that im a recovering addict as well as he is but hes not as bad as me... so he says. he hooked me on pills and i confused my love with the medication he hurts my mom who is taking care of us and says hes going to tell the cops that i had used medication. he has dirty pictures of me and threatens to post them if i leave him. i had a house fire in 2014 he claims to have cared but he didnt lift a finger to help me clean up. i had to have an abortion in 2012 because i cant find a job im 26 now i have a learning disability and very vulnerable he told me to get it and claims it wasnt his that im a cheater ... he also uses it against me every chance he gets with fights but cant remember any of his wrong doings. hes drained my money and i cant begin to heal ... im lost and my dad got diagnosed with lung cancer this year and it broke my heart he told me to ask my father for money since he has nothing to help our household which i will not do no matter what he uses this against me when we fight he says its my fault that i havent been able to support our family cause of my lack of employment. i question my every move lost my friends because everyone hates him and he makes me look bad in public and threatens me if i make a new friend he scares them off.. im so exhausted that i wanted to kill myself i feel guilty just telling my story on this form he tells me he loves me then can hurt me worse than anyone on this planet ive never cheated on him but he pretends i do with my childhood guy friends, ive lost my sense of self .. hes thrown me on my own car hood hard and hes slammed me into his chest hes a big guy. im scared and have nowhere to go because he lives with me and pays rent says he needs notice to move out. please dont walk run if you have a relationship like this. use me as an example of what not to do it just gets worse. Everyday will be a nightmare and pointless becaues you will NEVER get anything through this person it will get worse by far and you will lose your voice i usually quit talking in the car he uses it to control me his emotions and yelling ... he spit yells at me and threatens to kill himself if i say i want to leave him... nothing is ever his fault and everyday i repeat myself its so annoying hes very particular with his clothes and ocd he blames everyone else for his problems. im his favorite victim.

Yvonne najum

About 6 times now i have found myself trying to get out of this 14 yr so called relationship , marriage . Whatever it is and every time i pi k myself up and get on my feet to then be thrown down to feel like ive crashed and burnt and i always at this point seem to made to feel jelous . I always seem to think hes with someone else and i freak out cause i do love him and i have this over whelming feeling of jelousy . We have a 2 yr old little girl which he trapped me with and ime 49 yrs old . Also he always says to her , daddy loves you soo much and doesnt say that to me also . I feel alone in this and would love to actually speak to someone who can advise me on how to protect myself from him i feel like ime drained and ime having bad anxiety now and have drove myself mad over thinking . Ime an emotional wreck . Help ahahaha

Yvonne najum

Its like ime being puniched and made to feel jelous

Kellen

Hi Yvonne,

That sounds so very hurtful. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find a counselor or a support group in your area to talk to. I think it would really help to have someone on your side.

Heather

I have been with a narcissist for almost 9 years now. I'm a very emotional soul, very empathetic. He is not, and he tries at nothing but to break me down. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and he will always find something to pick on me for. It's draining, and disenheartening. It's always me, never him. I'm this and that, and the crazy one. I assure you i am not, and I always look to better myself as a person. I have been a runner for 13 years, it's a passion. I lost myself for about a year and a half, suffered depression and anxiety. I had no empathy from him, and he would continue to make comments to make me sink deeper into depression. One day, I let go, allowed the universe to work it out. I took the positive opportunities that peeked through the rain clouds. One was Pole fitness, I have been doing it for 3 months now, and I'm passionate about it. It made me stronger mentally and physically, and it bothers him. It's a beautiful sport, and one he said I was just a stripper in training. It broke my heart. That's when I realized that I need to protect myself. He never betters himself. He must be envious. I lost someone I loved deeply in 2007 to the Iraq war, and he is always with me, and will always be in my heart. Michael (the narcissist) went out for a drink with a friend. I stayed home, had a few drinks, listened to music, and was looking at photos of my deceased loved one...remembering good times. I never through it in Michaels face, but when he got home and saw me looking at the pictures he went into rage mode. He acts like he is jealous, or in competition with a dead man. And there is no reason to be. He threw his horrible words at me, made me cry. When you defend yourself, they get more angry. He bit my nipple and would not let go. Yes, you read that right. I have become stronger, I asked him to let go twice, and he wouldn't so I punched him in the head. He then punched me hard in my arm. My arm has been black and blue for two weeks. He then pried my phone from me when I told him I was leaving and threw it to the ground destroying it. I slept at a good friends that night....heartbroken. someone I thought loved me, I realised does not love me or. They would not do those things. The next morning, I saw him. I told him his phone was mine until he bought me a new one. He did buy me a new one. He told me he felt bad about what he did, but I do not believe that lie. AT ALL. I'm working my way out. I don't deserve this. I feel bad for the next person he finds to manipulate because I won't be there to do it to, but I will be ok. It's true, run from narcissists, get away because it gets worse. Once you let go of the negativity, one day you will have someone who treats you positively and equally. No fighting, just peace and happy. All Michael is is fear and anger, a constant time bomb waiting to go off again. I can't live like that anymore. He refuses to see someone for help since he thinks he is fine, there is nothing to fix. That's none of my business anymore. I got me, and what I have is beautiful. I will evolve my soul, not de evolve. Sorry to ramble. I had to get it all out.

Julie

I am the adult child of 2 narcs, a overt and covert. I am also the scapegoat. I have always seen the overt narc clearly, though I didn't know the term narcissist. I knew that all conversations must revolve around the overt narc and one better not disagree...else she will go into a rage.

I thought the covert narc was a co-dependent and "just" a mouth piece for the overt narc. Boy, did I get proved wrong! The covert narc tried to triangulate me and I said a gentle "no" and all hell broke loose. I was told they were a family of predators and will devour me. Just for saying no I would not be dragged into someone else's fight.

I thought family members know who I am, I am a authentic person. I refused to defend myself and so far not one single family member is speaking to me.

What I have learned so far, is if you hear yourself or some one else say...He's just this or that....the word "just" is an enabling term. No just about being abused!

Also, I have been stuck in my pain for 10 months and what really helped me was to feel my anger. Anger was my flashlight out of the dark pit I sunk into. I still have so much work to do to heal, and articles like these are helping me!

Troy A Ginzer

I have been in a relationship with a narc for 16 years. Throughout our 10 year marriage, she threatened divorce several times. That damaged me after awhile. Three times I attempted to move on because she told me she didn't want to be married, didn't want to be with me. Immediately after seeing me actually happy, she runs back to me promising me the moon and stars. Three times I agree to take her back mainly to try and provide a somewhat normal upbringing to our two boys. After running my credit and her credit I noticed 100k of cc debt that I was unaware of. (Yes, 100,000). She kept this from me by utilizing P.O. Box rentals, her parent's address, and online statements under her passwords, etc. When I approached her about it, she screamed that there was nothing to talk about and she did not want to be married anymore. I said, fine by me and consulted a divorce attorney. She begged me to give her a chance to work on paying down the debt and working on improving the marriage. I agreed. Two months later I was served divorce papers at my work. The never next day I receive an instant message from her stating she will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. We sludge through a year of trying to make it work, but I eventually go through with finalizing the divorce because she continued to lie and spend money frivolously. We continued to spend time together after the divorce was final, then she had a lapse, deleted all my pictures from her FakeBook account which caused me to react by moving on. Once she found out I was with someone else, same story, she begged me back, called my Grandma and mom daily, along with my girlfriend at the time! Same old story, I agree to get back with her, we were together for the past two years and then she has another lapse, I check her credit, and after having her parents and me basically bail her out of the 100k, it is back up to 40k and the countless lies continue. It is true what they say about insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I am at my wits end and have told her over and over that if I see her in whomever I am dating bushes like the last one, I will be calling the authorities.
Narc's can change, but only for the worse, not better. She has constantly made me feel like I am worthless, that I am the crazy one and that I couldn't live without her. Projection to the nth degree.

Molly McIntire

My mom was a narc and created a narc out of my 'golden child' younger sister. Of course I was the scapegoat. My mom had a stroke a few years back and now her personality has completely changed...she's also on anti-psychotic meds for bi-polar and schizophrenia. I have learned through much therapy and speaking with her doctors that she was most likely mentally ill her whole life and should have been on these meds for a long time. The stroke brought the worst out in my sister...claimed she wanted to do everything for my mom, criticized everything I did, but when she had a 'task' she couldn't do it, or twisted my mom's emotions so she would have an outburst, then blamed me. I have (thankfully) gone no contact with my sister, who constantly tries to weasel her way in to my and my children's lives, and runs a huge smear campaign against me through social media, but I'm the only one taking care of my mom and all her medical, finances, etc. It's hard to stay silent and also take care of someone who was physically and emotionally abusive to me my whole life, but through therapy and talking with other family members, I see now that she was also abused. I cannot stand by and do nothing for her.

Heidi Q.

I'm the first child of a very damaging NPD father. I didn't know all this terminology while growing up but since my earliest memories I've witnessed my father's abusive behaviour towards both me and my late mother and always knew it was truly wrong without anybody having to explain it to me. He threw my beloved turtle in front of me from the balcony when I was barely 5 years old. He used me as some sort of therapist telling me for hours even at night the worse things about my mother, all of his rage, I was always extremely scared around him. At age 7 he told me he killed a man who had disrespected him, I wasn't sure if he was telling me just to scare me into even more obedience, maybe he never did such thing, but mostly I was just scared in general because anything I could potentially say or do, even the wrong smile would trigger his disproportioned rage. He's ask me to calculate astronomical distances when I was six and called me stupid the rest of my life 'cause I couldn't do it. I have a very high IQ on tests but he still thinks I'm stupid and never allowed me in any of his board of directors for any of his companies -I'm 38 now. I've always seen thru him but had to behave and only cry in my room in order not to make the situation worse, never say no, never say what you like or don't, never do anything: exactly the robot behaviour you describe in this post. It was very hard to do because I am hypersensitive even to animal suffering, ofc the scapegoat all of my life while my younger step-sister is the golden child and had a similar abusive behaviour towards me as well as my step-mother, someone I initially trusted but later realised she was the covert one while my father is all out and even managed to manipulate him to believe I was not worth it even more that he originally had in mind. My earliest memory of life is me in a corridor being shaken so violently while my mother screamed at him to stop. I was 3 years old. Other memories include my sweet and loving mother jumping out of an office window where my father had locked her into and many many more. He is a powerful and successful businessman who, emotionally speaking, only leaves burnt ground wherever he goes. He also behaves badly outside of the family but nowhere near the same extent I've witnessed him acting inside the house. He divorced my mother when I was 6 years old and from that point on until age 13 he had also a loving side with me and spoiled me quite a bit, I thought it was his way to show love but later I learned it is part of his pathology and only does it to own people. I would have to write a book in order to explain the psychological and sometimes even physical abuse I've had to endure from my earliest teens. I'm already tired and crying as I'm writing. I left home at age 25 because of him as well as the way my stepmother and her children were treating me in my own house that was so appalling and they were doing all they could in order to get their hands on my father companies while pushing me out of the way as much as they could . I so desperately seeked a serene life away from all the chaos I've known. I moved the farthest away I could, from Europe to Australia and whenever I talk to him on the phone he seems very nice to me most times, it's like a different person. I am happy away fgrom my whole paternal side of the family, even his sisters. I've read somewhere that they are called "the black sun" and I cannot but confirm that this sentence describes them perfectly. There should be more awareness on thisd condition whether psychological or not we all deserve to be able to defend ourselves from these predatory people in the world because even though they make us feel we are the wrong one, if there was more awareness we'd experience significantly less trauma and move on with our lives with the people who truly deserve our love. My mother saved me, she loved me, she was the best in every possible way, but what happens to those who didn't have at least one normal parent? I know I've had it bad but there are people out there who've had it much worse than me and both child protective services and therapists need to wake up in order to pinpoint the psycho in a family and take action to protect the children who are defenseless because they have not yet developed their mind. It is a damage that as a society we MUST prevent at all costs: NO EXCUSES.

Joseph

I had been in a relationship with a narcissist the for past two years. Fortunately, I was able to come to the conclusion of where her problem(s) stemmed from. So I went my separate way recently trying the no contact method.
She was devastated that I was going to abandon her. I also believe that it momentarily scared her, that finally, one of her significant others had figured her out.
So after the breakup, she would start to show up at places that only I frequent with her latest boyfriends trying to manipulate me into some type of response using triangulation. Unfortunately, the last time – very recently – I did respond creating a temporary source of narcissistic supply for her.
Obviously, she has no intention of trying to address any of her behavior. The three consecutive words “I am sorry” is not in her vernacular.
So I have since decided that I need to relocate to be as far away from this person as I possibly can be.

MamtaNarang

Hi Heidi Q, I got to know about my mom (a covert narc) only in 2019. I knew something was not right but I didn't know anything about NPD and HSP/empaths. Since April 2019 and till date I'm just learning and learning. I wish my school had taught me about NPD as a subject just like science and drawing. Your points are valid. Never knew about the Dark Sun. Thank you for sharing.

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