My father, who is a narcissist/antisocial mix, and I have not talked for many years. Because we are both aging and I know that any unresolved issues you have with your parents when they die plague you for the rest of your life, I've decided to allow him to re-enter my life. Navigating these treacherous waters will either destroy me, or give me a hell of an education on how to identify, deal with and avoid narcissists. It may also help me understand how I got to be the way I am. I also hope to see things more clearly having aged 20 years since last interacting with him.
So this came up. My first interpretation of what was happening was: "He wants to be really close to me and I just don't know how to do that. I can't give him what he wants." I inferred from this that there was something wrong or lacking in me.
But today I had an epiphany. He doesn't want to be close to me. He wants to be enmeshed with me. He's intrusive, pushes boundaries and is invasive. One of the things narcissists/antisocials do is move in very close very fast. They get you to reveal a lot about yourself so they can use it to manipulate you. They create a feeling of intensity of feelings because they idealize you when they first meet you and they are "in love" with you because they hope you are going to be their new source of narcissistic supply. He is hoping I will make him happy, fill him up, meet all his needs. He is not hoping that he will make me happy, fill me up, or meet all my needs. An important difference. He is hoping to feed off of me.
In response, my instincts are screaming, "He is going too fast!", "He is asking too much!", "He is pushing too far!", "He is overstepping our boundaries!".
But I dismissed this and wrote it off as something being wrong with me. This is something startling I noticed about my narcissistic friend. She attributes any problem between herself and someone else as something being wrong with the other person; they misunderstood, they are purposefully getting it wrong, they are trying to manipulate her, they are ignoring her, etc. I attribute any problem myself and someone else as something being wrong with me. And I usually attribute it to the same things my parents convinced me were my "problems"; I'm in a mood, I'm an angry person, my perceptions are flawed, my opinions are "off", I'm too sensitive, I don't know how to act, etc.
I was trained by my narcissistic parents to beleive that they were never wrong (because narcissistics are never wrong) and that if anything is wrong is must be me. Because of this I discount my emotions, my perceptions, my opinions and my instincts.
Sigh. Cleaning up this mess is going to be a lot of work.